Help Me, I want out of my marriage.?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have been married for 5 years. We have two children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I feel like the reason I married him was so I would not be alone and my family hated him. They tired to tell me but I wouldnt listen. He will not keep a job to support us. In the last 9 years the longest he has kept a job is 8 months. I think he has worked every place in our town. He also used to be very selfish. Well there is more to this, long story short, I have fallen out of love with him. We have been trying to fix it, and I have been trying to find my feelings for him but they just aren't coming back to me. He wants me to just forget about all the hurt and pain he has put me through because he is trying to change for the better. And he is changing but I am thinking it is too late to find that love again. I had given up on him. I shut my heart down to keep it from being hurt again.

Answer 1

try counseling to get behind all of this and try to figure out what is happening. If after this you still feel the same way then you tried and get out.

Answer 2

Lived together for four....married for 5...total 9. In the meantime...he's never held a steady job in almost a decade?

Wow....you DID dig your own grave. Should have listened to the family. I would have thought any person with intellegence would have taken one look at this guy, his responsibility when it came to gainful employment and ran in the opposite direction.

By the way....what's this "There is more to this" comment? How can you love someone...especially bringing in YOUR kid and then having more when he's clearly shown he's immature or at the very least irresponsible? What were you thinking? Was the sex that good? Don't say that it had nothing to do with it or very little because there isn't anything else that can be construed from this mess. You've not only placed your own daughter into this mess you've created but added two more to the mix with nary a thought about them.
"And he's changing"...Ha! How nice. After 9 years? here's my advice...take it or leave it. Next time...if there is a next time because a woman with three kids isn't as marketable as you may think, try thinking with your head and be logical instead of thinking with your heart and groin.

Good luck to you and the kids.

Answer 3

I have been there 11 years in a relationship with a man similar to what you described your husband to be with a few added extras, he was abusive and cheated... so I've heard the story I'm changing constantly throughout my marriage..... saw some changes, still see changes everytime he takes the kids (3) for his weekend. Still 2 years after our divorce he is still job hopping, not paying child support, etc... He even had to relocate because he couldn't get a job in the town he lived in.

You are right the saying it's a little too late is so true because your defenses are up and you've already have it in your head to move on.

Truthfully, that may be the best for you and the children, once you stop loving it's hard to rekindle that.

Answer 4

Honey if you really love someone, no matter what they do you will still love them. At times you might even hate the fact that you do love them , but in the end you still do. So if you tell me that he is making steps to change but you still are not pleased maybe you never loved him to begin with. Lets start with your first comment: You married him because you did not want to be alone. I am not here to judge you but honestly do you think that is right. The ONLY reason you should marry someone is because you love them. If you have to explain why you married someone, there is a problem.As far as your family not liking him, in the end who cares. They are not the ones that have to be with him. True enough you should value family and friends opinions but in the end your final choice should come from your heart not other people's opinions. Question, you said that he was selfish, I can't argue with that because I know neither of you, but you only married him for conveince isn't that selfish also? It is NEVER too late for a person to change. If he is making steps to change that is great, but if you no longer want to be with him, please don't do him a favor by staying with him. I think you have issues of your own that you should evaluate before you even attempt to evaluate your marriage.(that's ok though we all have things to work on) Pray and think about what it is that you truly want and will make you truly happy. Hint: We can't expect other people to make us happy!! I pray you make the right decision. Best of Luck!!

Answer 5

For the sake of the children give him some time to prove himself. Why don't you try to rekindle the flame, by doing more things together, with out the kids, and all the hustle and bustle of life. No one is perfect. Marriage is a serious arrangement. We all need to try to work our problems out before we discard it. Try to remember why you married this man in the first place. If you can't come to love him again, or he does not live up to his responsibilities, then try just separating for a while. God hates a divorcing. But if it is what you really want, and he is still not supporting you all, or he is abusive, or he has cheated, then it is up to the hurt party {you} to decide what to do.

Answer 6

I don't think there was any love to start with. You said you married him so you wouldn't be alone. Now here comes the reality check: You have three kids by two different men. Do you believe you are gonna find somebody better than your current husband? If not you need to find the love for him, because you may be able to find many men to Shag you but very few are gonna love you. However, your husband do need to grow up and get and keep a job.

Answer 7

You can't fix him. I would apologize to him though, for marrying him for the wrong reasons. Just because he is wrong for how he acts, doesn't mean that you are blameless. For the kids, I would give it one good try. Make sure . Try a weekend away without kids or something. I would take one last serious stab at it. I suggest you look deep inside of your self too. A child from a previous relationship ( no details ? ) and now a failed marriage ? You need to break this pattern. It does affect more than just you. The kids are affected more than you will ever know. Kids see so much, they will have a skewed view of marriage and parenting. The easy choice is to walk away. The harder one is fighting for it and forgiving. I have stepped off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

Answer 8

So you dump him, then what? Will anything really change for the better? Your kids will be traumatized, they won't see as much of their father, your financial position won't improve, and you'll be dealing with even more issues alone. Get some help, try to make it work for the kids. You've been together for nine years, you've got 3 kids from two relationships, think about that and what awaits you as a single mom. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 9

Wow,
It sounds like you two have been thru a lot. Maybe you should file for legal separation first. Divorce is very final. The legal separation will give you time to sort your feelings and give you a true sense of how it will be to live without him. You should start preparing yourself to live apart from him. Ask him to leave since you'll probably have the children. If not, then you have to be prepared to find a new residence. You will never sort your feelings under the same roof.
Good Luck

Answer 10

Like half the rest of the country, you have forgotten that you took a vow, made a promise, made a commitment. And now you want out of it, simple as pie, right? Wrong, it will leave a lasting image on you, him, and your children. You won't be getting rid of him, it will only be WORSE! He'll be there the rest of your life because you have children together. So you really aren't getting a better deal, just a harder one. I hope you seriously consider this and perhaps go to a marriage counselor or pastor who can help you.
I see from the other answers that no one values the marriage vow anymore. Very saddening.

Answer 11

The part that he can't stay in his job is really bad. It will sure affect you and your family. Sometimes, even if you are not in love, if everything else (mainly financially) is okay, you can still be together, but not the other way. Since your financial situation is unstable and you don't even like the guy, I would say you need to find a divorce lawyer.