My wife suddenly wants to be a stay-at-home mom, but we aren't financially able to do this. What should we do?

Question

My wife and I have been happily married for about 6 years. We recently had a baby, and now she's suddenly saying that being a stay-at-home mom is her primary goal in life. She's acting like it's essential to her happiness. I never knew it was this important to her when we were dating or even after we got married, but once the baby came along, she's completely focused on him and doesn't want anything to do with work or anything else.

It's never been my dream to have a stay-at-home wife, and we never planned for this. In fact, I helped support her while she got her Master's degree, because we were planning on her always working. But when the baby came along, she wants to spend 100% of her time with him and she cries when she thinks about going back to work.

I also didn't know this would be an issue back when we were looking at houses, or we wouldn't have got such an expensive house. I don't earn enough to pay for the house, cars, groceries, etc on just my income.

The obvious solution might seem like just selling our house. The problem is that right now is a really bad time to sell, and we'd take a big loss if we did that. Another option might be if I worked a second job. But if I did that, I'd never see my family and my son would grow up not knowing who his father is. I know I should be a "real man" who earns enough to support his family, but I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Part of the problem here is your wife just had a baby - the first I assume. Her hormones are probably out of whack and she is experiencing a lot of mixed emotions over leaving her son. She probably feels she is doing the wrong thing. You really need to talk to her - more than once - when she is in a reasonable mood. Discuss with her you can't afford the bills alone. Discuss her possibly finding a way to work out of the house or even part time to help cover some of the expenses (it can be done - I do it myself - it is matter of finding the right type of job). Discuss the fact that her being a stay at home mother was never discussed. Don't rush to sell your home if you will be taking a huge loss - that is not a good idea. Perhaps you can look at your bills and find a way to cut out some of the unnecessary expenses to save money. Get some books from the local library about how people cope with a stay at home parent - you and her BOTH read them, make lists, and talk a lot about how this can work. Just remember though she might not quite be thinking straight from just having a baby. Give her a break, but don't hide or skirt around the issues going on here. I bet in a couple of years, she will be ready to go back to work but for now you really have to communicate and find some way to make this work. Good luck!!!

Answer 2

Tough spot to be in...What you are experiencing with your wife is not an uncommon phenomenon. You wife has carried and given birth to a baby and you need to understand that she has also become a mother and not just a wife with a masters degree. If you attempt to force her to go back to work, you will no doubt create a great deal of tension. She also knows in her heart that there is nobody out there that will love and care for your son like she will, so you will have a very hard time convincing her that anyone is good enough to take her place while she is at work.

You said she has her masters degree, is there not something she can do from home to earn an income that will not take her away from the baby. Something she can control the schedule with and make up the difference? I am sure that if you talk with her and show her the money shortfall and ask her to look into doing some consulting on the side or counseling or something that she can use her degree in, you will find that she will be much more responsive. That way you can share your financial concerns with her and she will also see that you do care about her desire to stay home with your son.

Answer 3

I had the exact same problem.You have to make an effort to understand how your wife is feeling. You didn't mention how old he is, but I'll bet he's under 6 months. Your wife is thinking of things like missing his first steps, birthdays, etc, plus you have to remember that hormones are still a huge factor in her life. You have other options than selling your house. If she had gone back to work, how was day-care being paid for? If she stays home there won't be a day care cost, there won't be travelling expenses (gas, parking, insurance etc) Why not consider selling one of the cars? Maybe your wife could work from home or maybe she could watch 1 or 2 other children so she's still at home and she has an income. If not before, chances are when he starts school she may change her mind.You should actually consider yourself lucky since there aren't that many women who will actually put their careers on hold to stay home in this day and age. Babies who are cared for in their own home are not sick as often as kids who are in pre-school. I don't think it makes any difference if you dreamed of having your wife be a stay-at-home Mom and I think it's a fairly selfish way to think. You baby is only a baby once; it's not like you can go back and re-live this time later. You asked what you should do. I say re-examine your priorities, cut-back on houshold expenses for a year or so and agree to not fight her on staying home. I'll bet you can find a way to trim so that it's not that difficult. PS I just had to add that I have a huge problem with the statement "..I helped support her while she got her Master's because we were planning on her always working" You sound like a two-year old throwing a tantrum.Just because she wants to spend more time with the baby does not mean she'll never work again. I think you sound jealous and resentful of the fact that she wants to be with the baby, what I don't understand is how you can find it so hard to understand how and why your wife feels like she does. Best of luck to three of you .

Answer 4

I'm sure this is hard for you, especially when you have been depending on two incomes and the other spouse doesn't make enough to pay the bills by him/herself. I believe this is the mistake that most of us make when purchasing large items like homes, cars, etc. We must consider that one spouse could lose their job,(people do everyday) or become ill which prevents them from working. When this happens all hell breaks loose. Will the other spouse still be able to maintain the household expenses, etc?

Excuse me for asking this question but do I detect some type of resentment or jealously that your wife is spending too much time with the baby, etc? I'm not saying that you don't love your son but I think..I could be wrong... that you feel that everything your wife does/thinks about is focus around your baby, which mean less for you, etc. Am I right, be honest?
Perhaps your wife can use her skills/work experience to start her own business and work from home?
Or may sit your wife down and talk to her about planning a time that would be best for her to stay at home with the baby.

I do understand your wife...Becoming a mother changes most mothers. You are now responsible for another person. etc.

Answer 5

Obviously if you don't have the finances you can't. But make sure you are doing everything you can. Why? Because it is important that your baby have the primary caregiver being his or her parent. Practice living off one income. Make sure you cut out anything you don't need. Excessive eat out, fancy cable, golf outings, trade in expensive cars. DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO!

Please take a look at this site for help: http://www.clubmom.com/display/253433?fromModule=related_links&fromPage=/index.jsp

Believe me it will be the best decision you will ever make. You should be happy and thrilled that you wife is completely focused on the baby. Some women could care less about sticking a baby in daycare. There are always the option of her working part-time as well or working from home. GOOD LUCK!

Remember sometimes our dreams change especially when we have the life of a child in our hands. She didn't waste anything getting her master's degree. She is making herself a well rounded. It would be a waste not seeing your baby grow and bloosom and allowing someone else to witness it all. You are giving your wife a beautiful gift by helping what should be both of your dreams come true.

Answer 6

This is a very hard dilemma you are going through right now. I am a stay at home mom, for many reasons. I used to work, for about a year. Our children were neglected when both their parents were working. I can see your wife's point on the matter. But I see your point as well. It is not that you don't want to be the full supporter of the family, you just don't earn enough. It is our responsibilities as parents to care for our children, and we need to make sure that we spend time with our kids, but balance is needed. They do need food, clothing, and shelter, as well.
Your child cannot be happy if you lose your home because of financial problems. Your wife needs to see the pro's and con's of her decision. Is there any way she can at least work a few hours a day, a few days a week. That way she won't miss out on to much time with your child? Maybe she will have to work nights, when you are at home. This way your child is with you, and not a babysitter. Sacrifices need to be made, from both sides. Is it possible for her to work at home, she is educated?
It is only for now, when your child goes to school, this will be a different thing all together. Just be patient with her, being a new mother changes women. We get more emotional, and hormonal. God made woman more sensitive, and men as thinkers. I hope you can sit down and communicate. As the family head, you need to make the final decisions in a respectful way. With the feelings of your wife in view. In a loving way, even when she does not agree.

Answer 7

I was kind of in the same situation as you, except it was my husband who wanted me to stay with our child and not work. I wanted to find someone to (like my mom) to take care of our child, while I helped put foot on the table. So my suggestion to you is that you should sit down with your wife and make a list of other options and see what you both can agree with. The baby is less than a year, correct? In that case, give her time to really think about it. Ask yourselves if you both can afford your wife to stay at home with the baby. Then go back to work while your child's in school. No? It's hard to support a family when it's just one person in the household working. If you're not earning much, you either have to get a degree or training of something that'll help you find a better pay job. Or convince your wife one way or another that she has to work to help support the family. Try talking by listening to one another, without arguing/fighting. You want this relationship to last. Try to understand eachother's opinions. Couples don't always agree with eachother, but do try to respect eachother's decisions. Good luck.

Answer 8

Hey, don't put yourself down, you are a real man. This happens alot of times. With my second child, I had a great job, every intention of going back to it too, then I gave birth and that was it. I just couldn't leave her. I needed to be home with her and I didn't care how we did it but I wasn't going back. I'll never regret that decision. Life is short and kids grow fast. They do need a parent with them - it is very important. I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband probably felt the exact same way. I left him no choice, I said this is the way it is and we will have to just deal with it. That was like the only time I ever stood up for what I believed in.
Believe me honey, there are ways to make it. You may be eating alot of peanut butter and hot dogs but somehow it will work. Is there any help from your parents that you could get? Try to take some time and really think about this situation ( I know you probably have quite a bit). I'm sure your wife didn't plan for this to happen or she'd never had agreed with the expensive house. I really hope things can work out for your family. There has to be some way for it to work. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Oh and btw, this just happened to me and my current husband as I became disabled and cannot work now. Same situation, expensive house....... he's pulling it off, its been very stressful for him but he does the best that he can and our credit is still good. Take care and write me if it helps.

Answer 9

O dear, this is a terrible dillema. The trouble is when women have a baby they feel differently to how they did before, and it is not something you can plan for because she has no idea how differently she will feel.

You need to sit down with your wife and consider all your options. Think outside the box. Maybe get trusted friends to help you find solutions.

Maybe she could work at home. From your word 'mom', i assume you are in the USA., so as i am in the UK i dont know what options there would be for her to do this.

You are not a NOT a real man just because you can't totally financial look after your wife and baby.

I hope you can work out a solution that suits everyone.

Answer 10

I would discuss compromise with her...possibly you could look at your finances and decide where some changes could be made, such as selling cars that have car payments attached and purchase cars that are used and you can pay cash for. Possibly she could return to work part time to help with the household expenses, but you would both need to be realistic about how this will change your lifestyles. I was a stay at home mom, but I also had to balance the checkbook. We made a choice to sacrifice many material things, in trade for me being home to raise 3 kids. Now the kids are raised and I did return to work, and we are now enjoying the extra income. Good Luck! and Congratulations on the baby...i bet he/she is priceless!