How do i force myself to love my step son?

Question

He's coming to live with us permanently in a day school
He is nine
The few times he was with us on holidays i just couldn't stand that annoying little boy he realy got into my nerves.

He (my husband) expects me to be resposible of the boy(his eating, sleeping, going to the toilet) thing is if i was ready to be resposible for anyone id have a child of my own i dont have a child because i dont want the resposibility or committment
He translates my being less concerned as hate for the boy
i dont hate the boy i just dont like him n cant stand his silly little demands
Ive never been the type to like kids they've always hated me too
How do i cope with this situation?

He poops n does not flash the toilet when i insist he should do that he is old enough his dad says that im hating the boy that i should do it
for heavens sake i think the boy is old enough to flash the loo
when isay i wont flash the loo now i really hate the boy

Answer 1

You cant force love,its impossable.If you dont like him , you dont like him end of,Tell your husband how you feel about him making you take responsability and if your step son is 9 he should see to himself a little more..x

Answer 2

You can't force yourself to love anyone but you can try to get on well with him. He is only a child, he may be nine and yeah old enough to flash the loo but try to be a little tolerating at least in the beginning. Children can be very difficult to cope with sometimes and all you need is patience and willingness to make things better for everyone in the house. I understand you don't like having the responsibility for a child but since you are married to a guy who already has a child you should just give it a go! Maybe the child is just not ready to accept having a step mum, he is not old enough yet to understand fully who you are and why you are with his dad and why his mum is not there. He is probably seeing you as an invader to his family and his trying to give you a hard time. Approach him, show him that even though you are not his mum, you are nice as well and that you could have a good time when together. Once you achieve that you'll be surprised how many things the presence of a child can offer...Good luck!

Answer 3

First of all, can i just say, being a step-mother is never easy. You are almost always the enemy of some kind. But don't be discouraged. Nine year old boys are by nature quite irritating. If you are a career woman- just remember what it was like when you first joined your office and there was probably one person who always really irritating. Undoubtedly you would have had to deal with it- and you probably found a very effective way to do so.
Remember what you were ike when you were 9? If not then start trying a little harder.
You need to make it clear to your husband (without causing a fight), that you are willing to help out with his son, and to help make his envronment stable- BUT you aren't his mother- and you will not try to take her place by doing all the things he expects you to. If you explain it that way you are less likely to cause an argument.
Your stepson, is more than likely aware that he gets on your nerves. Guess what? He probably doesn't like you too much- but he's a child, you need to be more patient but firm with him. Try and bond with him- take him somewhere you would like to go (maybe a theme park, or museum) and while you are there inevitably you will see a side of him that you will find endearing.
Kids aren't angels- they can be extremely obnoxious, and this may not work immediately, but its a start.

I hope this helps.

Answer 4

If you don't like children than why would you marry someone with children. I respect the fact that you didn't have children because you don't feel ready for the responsibility but you should have never married someone with a child because there is always the possibility that the child may come to live with you. have you ever thought that maybe it isn't the child but that it is you. Now I do agree that he should flush the toilet behind himself, that is something that he should have been taught as a young boy. However I just don't believe that you should be in a marriage or a relationship for that matter with anyone who has a child since you have such harsh feelings about them. I honestly don't think that it is the boy, I believe that it is you.

Answer 5

I think your feelings are normal. Your body is going through a lot of hormonal changes right now and adjusting to having a child that you carried and brought into this world. I think once things settle down and you get into a new routine to include the new baby and your stepson you will find that you love your stepson as much as you ever did. I would just try right now to include him as much as possible in things with the baby so he does not feel left out. It is hard to go from being the only child to suddenly having to share the time. If for some reason things do not improve after a little bit of time you might want to find someone to talk to on a professional level. It would be really unfair and possibly damaging to your stepson if he picks up on these feeling. Good Luck and I am almost positive that it will all even out with a little time for adjustment.

Answer 6

You don't force yourself, just let time take its course. You never know he may just grow on you.
As with his silly little demands, its his way of seeing how far he can push you. Once you set some boundaries, hopefully the child
will respect them & if not make sure that the husband supports &
stands behind you with any decisions/choices about your boundaries. If you love your husband stay, if not leave. If you stay,
make sure to communicate all your concerns with your husband,
including everything regarding this child. This child did not ask to be put in this relationship, he really doesn't have any choice.

This boy maybe jealous of you.
He may think that you are trying to take his mom's place. Even if
thats not the case, just tell him in a really nice & sensitive way that you would never dream of doing that. This may stop his silly little demands or may not.
Being a step parent has got to be one of the hardest jobs out there. This is evident in my own relationship. We have been together for 8 yrs now & the beginning was the hardest. As time went on my kids began to understand my husbands role.

If this childs mom is still in his/your life, try to have a positive relationship with her even if its just to say hello. This boy will see that his mother is saying hi to you, so the boy may see this as a sign of acceptance & he may start to accept you & your boundaries.

Just think of this boy as a little person with feeling just like you & I. He may be very nice once you get to know him.

P.S. Boys at nine are rambuncious, messy, & loud! This stage will pass soon. Good luck!

If you need anymore idea's, hints or advice just email me.
Nicole & Chris

Answer 7

Look at the situation in reverse, like it was your litttle boy and your husband didnt like him, all kids can me a pain, even your own, I have a 3 year old daughter that makes me wonna pull my hair out at times, but you just have to remember that is an innocent child, that needs you. In order to learn the right things and to have disipline they have to be taught, if they dont have any you cant blame a child blame who they were raised by the majority of the time, work with him and show alot of love and he will come around, I think this will be a major test of your marriage.

Answer 8

Only difference between me and you is that I also have 2 kids. As for the step-son, mine is spoiled rotten (9 year old and only child), whiny, NO is by far his favorite word to me, his father and also to his mother. He is totally disrespectful and as far as he is concerned neither his father or I have a right to give him orders. And nothing pisses me off more than the boy getting in trouble and rather than discipline, my hubby asks to "snuggle on couch" rather than beat the little **** like he actually desrves. I can't stand it, but it's deal with him or lose my hubby over this. Trust me, I've been tempted to just leave and gain my sense of self again.

Only way to cope is knowing full well that as a wife to someone with a child, you have no choice but to deal with the situation as best you can. But, when it comes to responsiblities, tell your husband that you were not there during pregnancy, birth and shouldn't be the only one who is responsible for his upbringing. If hubby doesn't stand up and be a father, do what I do, go on "Step-mom's Strike" and refuse to do anything with child, for child, or around child.

Trust me, in my mixed-up family, this works. Lots of fighting occurs, but works in the end. Stick to your guns, you don't deserve this at all and the father should be the one to look after the boy, not you.

Answer 9

in the first place if u dont like kids why would you even be with someone who has a child in the first place. It sounds pretty selfish on your part.

I guess there is no hope because you cant force yourself to love or care about anyone. If you was a nice person it would come naturally to love and care for someone.

I see in the boys future physical abuse from you if in the least emotional abuse,. The boy did not pick you to be in his life as his step mom you chose to be in that life.

Answer 10

Did you know he had a son when you married him? People who do not like children should never marry someone who has children. Many things can happen that bring the children to that parent.

You can't force yourself to love the child, but if you love your husband, you had best learn to control your actions and words towards the child. Ultimately your husband is responsible for his son, and he should not put it all on you but if you can't share in his responsibilities, your marriage may end up over. Is this boy handicapped?
Hope you get it worked out.

Answer 11

well, what can I tell is to try to get used to this if you still want your marriage. I´m in the same problem only that I have too kid´s to take care my partner has too kids and I´m living with them but it´s wonder full,because I have to learn more all my life and they give me this possibility. You have to think about this as a good experience and not like this is a bad thing to do. You have to grow up to the situation and be very patient with him and everything it´s gonna be OK. And of course you have to talk to your husband about this and together you can do everything you want. good luck