Who is the problem me or my wife? Please help!!?

Question

When we first met she seemed unhappy and lost so i started to get to know her better. So with time we got together and now we are married. She had been raped about 5 years ago. So thats why she looked like that when i met her. I rember her saying she might never be able to love me, and i know it because what happened 5 years ago. We are together for a year now and we argue alot. All because I love her a lot i know that becase i took her under my arm with the hope to make het happy! Why cant she love me or feel something for me?. I know that we have to get help somewhere, but who? i need honest opinions please i dont want to loose her she is the best part of my life.

Answer 1

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if the same turn of events happened to you? What happened is a horrid thing and she should seek some major counsiling for that. The best thing you can do is be supportive and patient.

Answer 2

First off a problem takes 2 so it can not be either you or your wife. Second, get into some type of counselling. Take the initiative yourself to talk to her about it and also to make the appointment. Doing that will show her that you really do care and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. When an argument starts, stop for a minute and rate it on a scale from 1 to 10. If it's something that ranks an 8 or higher then it should be discussed at a later time after you have calmed down. Anything below that, really think about whether it is important enough to argue about in the first place. My husband and I have gone through really rough times in our 5 year marriage and these are some of the things that we started doing. For the last 2 years, I have had a perfect marriage (minus the normal bickering of course)

Answer 3

You sound very supportive.Your wife has been through a rough time with being raped. Has your wife had professional help to deal with the effects this ordeal has had on her life. Do you feel as though you cant help her any more or is she pushing you away when you try?I think that she does love you but with what you are saying maybe its not the kind of love you crave. You haven't said what the arguments are about but there might be a clue as to what has changed in your marriage hidden in these arguments.I would agree with others who have answered your question you both need to discuss and reach a conclusion and yes counselling will help either as a couple (for the marriage) or your wife on her own to face her horrible past and be taught the skills to deal with it.Take your time with her but dont give up not until you have completely exhausted every other avenue.

Answer 4

You're definitely not the problem. She had a bad experience and she may have not gotten over it. "I remember her saying she might never be able to love me" means it's her own defense against getting hurt again. She may also have lost her confidence and may be assuming a repeat of her bad experience but in another or different way. Thus, the becoming often argument between yourselves. Sometimes, arguments can be an instrument to test a person's patience and true feelings towards ones self. In other words, your wife has a reservation about your relationship.

My advice: make her feel the "I don't want to lose her she is the best part of my life" part. You will not obtain it in an instant... but it will in the long run. You have to be patient and bare in mind that you have not fully gained her trust. Allow her to get to know you better. For example, date her or go some places (like parks where there are less crowd) where you can converse about nothing at all (intimate conversations if you want to) -- as if you're courting her anew -- and make it as often as possible. Not because you're already married you won't court her anymore. Let her identify what's inside you. Assume that you're calming a wild beast; hence, be careful, be gentle and be patient.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Like everyone else here I really think you should both seek professional help. But I also think you should sit down with her and tell her your fears. Explain that you are in no way blaming her and tell her how deeply you love her and how much you always have. When you do go to see a counsellor, be patient and supportive of her, but remember to make time for your own feelings as well - the process may be long and difficult so talk to someone you can trust if you feel stressed at any time. Hopefully with time and the right help she'll be able to move on from the tragic event that's blighted her life and will realise what a real gem of a guy she has. Best of luck! x

Answer 6

First she needs a rape counselor. Try taking her to a rape crisis center. Even though its been a long time if she has never been to counseling it will still be like yesterday because she hasn't been able to work through it. That's the first place to start. She can't give to you what someone took from her. It might take a while . Then maybe get couple counseling to work on the rest. She just can't feel for you the way you want because she can't feel that way at this time. I'm sure she wants to. She has been hurt and needs time to heal. Stick by her side and work through this with her. Be patient. Good things happen to those who wait. Good Luck

Answer 7

You need to realize that you are not going to be able to help her. She has had something so devistating in her life that it may keep her from ever being too close to anyone. You shouldnt have jumped into a relationship with her with all of these issues she has. The only way for her to move is seeking some professional help otherwise this will haunt her for the rest of her life. She needs to be at peace with it and with herself before she will be able to be in a relationship. I know that you love her but sometimes you just need to take a step back and let her do what she needs to do to work out these issues on her own you cannot help her with these type of events. Just be there for her dont critize or push her let her go at her own pace. Encourage her to seek help and just be there for support and thats it. Just take a step back and dont argure about her not loving you your not being fair she has a lot of issues and it sounds like you are putting an excessive amount of pressure on her. Just encourage her to go seek professional help and be there to support her. Thats going to be the best thing for her and the two of you. Good Luck I hope you guys can get through this.

Answer 8

Talking is the only answer. Many people find it hard to talk.A problem in the past or a lost trust will make this very difficult.
You have to keep trying.Be open and honest ant talk about your feelings.Eventually you will help her to feel comfortable to do the same. You must take it slowly and if the answers you finally realise means she does not love you then you have to accept this.you will have become a special friend and there will be a bond from this but be careful how you use it and take things slowly.

Answer 9

Give the poor girl time and support to get through her horrible ordeal and with time you will gain not only her love but her trust as well. You say you have been together for about a year now but that is not a long time and certainly not long enough for her to get over that sort of thing. Us guys are lucky really because although there is such a thing as male rape, not many of us have to endure it and it is probably only the few that have who will fully understand the trauma the women go through after it has happened to them. Hope they caught the person that did it and strung him up as that is what he deserves. R.

Answer 10

Hi Drummania! Am sorry you and your wife are going through such a bad episode in your life. I do think it is normal to argue but, as you said, maybe she has not been able to "cope" yet with what happened to her five years ago. Think she must get help from a counsellor or psychologist as she went through such an awful trauma. Has she ever really talked to someone about it? What are your fights about? I think it would also be helpful if you placed this question in "Mental health". None of you is a problem. She went through horror. You and her will need to give her time to be able to cope with it better... All the best to you and your wife! If you love her and care so much about her as is apparent here, I think you will manage just fine.

Answer 11

The best thing is to seek help together as a couple and maybe for her to seek help individually.

You seem a good guy to accept her past and try to help her with it.

But, there are so many issues for her to get to terms with - time can not be a factor and the love you show her will not help her (nor will it hinder her!)

She needs to heal first before she can move on in her life. This will take time.

If you truly love her, give her the space and time to heal.

Be patient, don't push, and try to think how you would feel in her position.

I wish you both the best of luck and if your girlfriend ever wants to talk to someone with similar experience, please contact me via Yahoo....