My husband of 3 years has never been particularly big on romatic gestures but has been known to send the odd bunch of flowers etc, we went througha rough patch 2 years ago when he had a short fling with a mutual friend, we worked through this and all was well, he hasn't told me he loves me for over 6 weeks now, for our recent anniversary I sent hima card telling him I loved him, he says he forgot so I got nothing in return and no response to my declaration, I have no idea what he did to the card as I never saw it again. He now says we got married to quickly although he booked the wedding so chaso the date, he chose 12 months before I was expecting! Leaving him isnt an option financially at the moment as I support us both as well as his mother, we live in her home. We havent had intercourse in 2 months although he still expects me to perform on him when he wants but will not touch me.. He doesn't work due to depression and sometimes disappears for hours on end and I have no idea where..
2006-10-26 00:14:27 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It is driving me to dispair, I have no family nearby to lean on and he makes sure I never see friends on my own.. he controls all our money, his bank account but spends what he wants to on himself without amking sure the bils are paid 1st. I dont think he is cheating, knew when he was previously but have no idea what to do now, cant talk to his mum as she nothing I do at home is good enough for her and she already tells him I am lazy and selfish.
2006-10-26 00:18:11 · update #1
When we try and sit down to chat he turns everything round to my bad points, when I try and discuss him he tells me its not relevant as its me causing the problems..
2006-10-26 00:19:18 · update #2
I cant just up and leave his mum without a source of income, she has supported us in the past and we owe her money..
2006-10-26 00:21:00 · update #3
I am really sorry to hear that this jerk treats you like shite...
Why are some men such complete and utter tossers? Why? It beats the hell out of me!
We aren't all the same... and yes... leaving is absolutely an option... ditch the moron... get yourself a decent man who cares for you and who will treat you with respect...
It saddens me the way that so many people have to tolerate such unhappiness... get rid of him [it can't help being stuck in the same house as his fan club/mother either!]... at least give him one hell of an ultimatum and make him go with you to counselling...
If he doesn't want you... and it sounds like that may be the case... then you should move on whilst you are still young enough to create a new and happy life with out him and with someone new..
If you do this then your future children will have chance for a happier life also..
2006-10-26 00:25:02 · answer #1 · answered by jonti 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I was you I would walk away before you fall prenant and then there will be no financial support from you and his mother will think even less of you. Get out while you can. Change you salary from his bank account to your own and see what his reaction is. If it is bad then you know the only reason he wants you around is for the money and that is really not enough. If you both owe his mother money then he should be getting out there and contributing to the income. Too many people use depression as an excuse not to do work.
2006-10-26 01:04:50 · answer #2 · answered by Helpless 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, if you are supporting him and his mother there IS no financial reason you cannot leave. (I believe the term is grow a pair). That said, it sounds like his depression might be causing a problem, or he is having an affair. For the first, he needs treatment, for the second you will need to do a lil investigating to find out.
If it is an affair, please please please end this as soon as possible. You do not have to be a doormat to be a good person and you will only hurt yourself more if you stay.
If it is depression, try your best to stay and help, but remember YOU should come first to you.
EDIT - I just read your additional details
The controlling and not letting you see your friends and family...that is ABUSE...honestly, that is domestic abuse. Call any hotline and they will tell you that. He is isolating you from your support system so that he can control you and 'keep' you from being strong enough to leave.
GET OUT NOW! Been there, done that, tried to hang myself with the t-shirt.
Good Luck, I hope things work out the best way possible for you.
2006-10-26 00:18:48 · answer #3 · answered by Star 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Find a new apartment. Move out and let them hang for a while.
He will come around or not but you will be clear. Clinical depression is a short term reason for unemployment.
Sadly, it sounds like you need to remove yourself from this situation. Take your next pay and set up your own bank account and give him an allowance.
If he will not return the favor, I would think sexual service is also off the list.
You need to break the cycle here. Its obvious he is using you with nothing in return. Drastic conditions require drastic actions.
Good Luck
2006-10-26 00:26:00 · answer #4 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
after reading your problem, the first thing that came to my mind is why don't you "F*** HIM OFF". HE IS TAKING THE P*** AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT .
HE IS NOT INTERESTED , HE IS NOT INTERESTED, HE IS NOT INTERESTED,
IT MAY BE HARD BECAUSE ,MONEY , HIS MOTHER, YOUR HOME ETC ,ETC, ETC BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU ARE BEING TREATED LIKE A DOG, SO AS LONG AS YOU LET IT HAPPEN THEN IT WILL ,
PUT A STOP TO IT ALL NOW SIT DOWN WITH THEM BOTH AND SAY TO THEM "HOLD ON WHAT ARE YOU BOTH DOING ?, I AM HERE AS A WIFE AND DAUGHTER IN-LAW
NOT AS A SLAVE " I WANT CHANGES ,
THEN TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT , I THINK YOU SOUND A VERY NICE PERSON BUT I AM SORRY TO SAY " VERY WEAK" YOU NEED TO TOUGHEN UP OR NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
YOU NEED TO RE-VALUATE YOUR LIFE, IS THIS THE LIFE YOU WANT OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY? AND MAKE CHANGES ? YOU AND ONLY YOU KNOW THAT ANSWER
LIST ALL THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOUR LIFE (which are not many by the sound of things ) ON ONE SIDE, THEN THE LIST OF BAD THINGS ,
JUST BY LOOKING AT THIS LIST YOU SHOULD HAVE A GOOD IDEA WHERE YOUR LIFE IS GOING .
CHANGE IT NOW CAUSE ITS ALREADY TO LATE
GOOD LUCK
2006-10-26 02:59:24 · answer #5 · answered by bell 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not a door mat. If you want to stay with him and not ready to leave I would block the accounts and take sole control over all the money. Secondly every time he steped out of line or said something i didn't like I would verbally hit him back with everything I had - I have found that women are better are verbal combat then men. Thirdly I would not give him any phyiscal contact until he came to me. I personally would not put up with such behavour.
2006-10-26 01:48:52 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey I am going to give it to you straight he is either cheating, thinking of cheating, or thinking of ending it or atleast questioning the marriage. My advise talk to him and say I think we are having problems and I want to try counseling. If he loves you is committed and serious he will go....if not he won't. If he doesn't want to do what it takes to ensure your marriage survives get your things together (get a job and finances in order) but dont stop trying to work things out and once you having your finances in order tell him that its either now or never and if he still doesn't try then you have no choice but to leave. The biggest mistake you can make is hang onto a marriage that isn't working when your spouse isn't trying, you will just cause yourself baggage and make it harder for you to make future relationships work. I have been there.
2006-10-26 01:15:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I hope you don't mind an answer from a man!? I'm afraid to say that your situation sounds so very familiar to me. I was that man. I got married, thought I was in love unfortunately it fell apart. We both had our faults but I'm afraid it was me that was mainly to blame. I realised that I wasn't happy and I couldn't see a way out so I began to take it out on my wife, not physically I just became more and more selfish and thought only of myself, it didn't once cross my mind to think of my wife. It got to the point were it was obvious we couldn't carry on together but I still didn't have the courage to tell her, I blamed all of our faults on her. Eventually I left but the heartache I caused for both of us lasts. Still I feel ashamed about how I treated her but I honestly didn't realise it at the time. I'm afraid that what I have said is not very positive but I think you know what is going to happen anyway. My advice, however hard it maybe you need to leave him. If you are meant to be then maybe a little time apart may help if not please remember that you are the most important person here. You may be surprised you may find yourself back together you may not! Don't make a mistake I know it's hard but a choice you have to make.
Sorry and I hope in some small way I have helped.
2006-10-26 00:34:04 · answer #8 · answered by pete_ramsden 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have to ask; Why are you still there? Don't say because you love him, pleeeeze. He sounds like a user. He's the one with no job, He's the one depressed, He's the one making the calls, and your the one supporting the household. Whats wrong with this picture? Take your money and get out. His Mom sounds pretty needy too. Remember dear, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
2006-10-26 00:25:52 · answer #9 · answered by MKM 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How have you let yourself get into this situation if you are the breadwinner you have the upper hand, do not let him control the finances. Tell him to stop moping about and try to find work or you are off he should be doing the housework etc while you are at work. Sort it out girl life is too short to live so unhappily.
2006-10-26 00:23:42 · answer #10 · answered by Kirks Folley 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋