Is this normal to feel like I HATE my stepson sometimes (most of the time) He's trying to split me & hubby up

Question

He's 12 and I've been with my Hubby who's 30 for 5 years - we have a baby daughter everything would be wonderful if it weren't for my stepson who makes my life a living HELL
He constantly does things to redicule me & treats me like he thinks I'm stupid - he undermines my authority and plays little mind games all the time - Plus he like to pretend that he's DUMB or stupid so he can get away with not having to do stuff
Like when I ask him to throw something away for me he looks at me and says "I dont now how to do that" & he will seriously argue with us over stupid stuff like that - He breaks stuff around the house on purpose & tries to say its an accident or has even said that I did it !!!!! - I caught him breaking the shelf in the refridgerator intentionally he was yanking it & laughing & he told his dad that I was imagining things & that it was already broken - & he had an evil grin on his face - I've gotten to the point were I feel I hate him & he is the reason I have a temper

Please give me some advise - I just dont know what to do anymore - he's cruel to my daughter - I've even caught him pinching her legs really hard !!! HIs grandmother wants him to come live with her out of state - & so do I but his father is not ready for him to leave yet - he hopes that his son will change - I dont think it will ever happen - He even stole my wallet & threw it in the trash & told me about it - I had my SS card in there & had to get a new one along with a new liscence - then he got ahold of my new liscence & tried to put it in our paper shredder - I heard the loud racket & was able to save it cause it got stuck !!! This child seriously has it out for me - his mom is no where to be found - she ran off with some guy & never returned over 3 years ago - every once in a while we get a phone call from her to tell him she's ok - but she never wants to talk to him - every time we tell him she called he gets WORSE with me !! Like the last time she called he urinated in my shoes!

HE EVEN ACTS LIKE THIS TOWARD HIS OWN FATHER ALOT OF TIMES !!!!
HE'S SUCH A BEAST OF A CHILD !!!

Answer 1

He is insecure bc of his moms abandonment...Not easy stuff to deal with at that age. Being rejected is not easy for an adult let alone a child.
I had alot of problems with my stepchildren...All I could do is PRAY! Only God can intervene and change. What may seem impossible to you, is not impossible with God. All you need is Faith!
See if you can go to a Christian church and talk to the pastor there. The church can also pray for your situation. Trust me it is worth it bc I saw big time changes in me and my circumstances.
I felt peace, that I had never felt before etc...I had joy and love that was unexplainable. So simple.
I also read the book "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. Awesome. It will help you alot on your attitude and behavior etc...
Your stepson wants love and attention. Try doing fun things with him. Always include him, do not exclude him. Start slowly.
Make his fav dessert. You will see major changes once you start showing love to him. Try not to lose your temper in front of him. Go to the bathroom or your bedroom for a time out.
This will not change overnight but slowly and surely, it will. Oh and it will help your stepson too to go to church and be involved with youth activities. Really! You really will see changes BIG time.

Trust me, it happened to me.
I pray the good Lord directs you to a good church and that you find peace and happiness with your stepson.

Answer 2

This is clearly a child with a lot of emotional (abandonment issues, fear of being replaced, unfocused anger) issues with no idea on how to channel his feelings in a healthy way. The first thing that has to be done is to find an experienced therapist and get this child in therapy. He will probably refuse to go, but this is where you have to insist your husband stand up and take charge. Without professional help, your home life is not going to improve and you will most likely start to see his behavior away from home escalate as well. Be blunt and tell your husband either the child goes into therapy (and you all will be asked to join him at some point, so make it clear you are willing to participate and demand no less of your husband) and stays there or you will take your daughter and leave. Make it clear your husband is the responsible party for getting the son to and fromt therapy. Then find a marital therapist for the two of you and again, make it clear that unless he goes to sessions, you will leave, It is clear that the situation in the house is not safe for your daughter, so do not leave her alone with the 12 yr. old, even for a few moments. Give it six months of therapy for the son and for you and your husband. If nothing has changed, then you will have to decide weather to issue the ultimatum that his son leaves or for you to leave with your child, keeping in mind that if he does send away the son, there will be other issues from that. Good luck..

Answer 3

I feel for you! I have the same problem with my stepson (age 11). It doesn't help that his mother encourages this kind of behavior. We have a son (4 months) from our marriage and his daughter (age 6 years) from his previous marriage. I had a long talk with our family doctor when I was pregnant and told him of my fears that our oldest son would hurt the baby and our doctor told us that if I ever brought either of the kids to him with injuries (anything that left a mark) from the oldest that he would have to report it. I would like to say that I am fearful of having child services in my home as I don't think they're the best agency in the world but I do feel I have to protect the youngest children from the oldest.

I would seriously recommend some counseling, individually and as a family. You have to do something. In our case, we don't have the two oldest kids long enough for counseling to do us any good and their mother encourages the oldest's outbreaks but in your case, you're where it may make a difference. If he's hurting the baby, it's a sign of serious issues ahead. Sit down and talk with your husband openly and honestly about your concerns and the two of you need to decide on a course of action before his behavior escalated and someone gets hurt.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Are you sure you don't hate him for some other reason? Maybe he senses it and treats you accordingly. The kids tend to follow their parents sentiments. Does his mother hate you? I think you need to understand that your husband is his FATHER and you are NOT his mother. He is not obligated to like you at all. You surely don't have to like him, but if you want to remain married to HIS father, than you have to learn to deal with him. He is at a hormonal age where kids test their parents.He clearly has no respect for you, so asking him to do things for you is useless. He sees you as a powerless extra on the set, and he is running the show. Unless your husband acts, than there is really nothing you can do. You don't count. You came into there lives, he didn't come into yours. You need to understand your the new kid in school, five years or not.He probably likes your reactions to his evil deeds. Try not to give him orders, but choices and maybe he'll cut you some slack. It may have nothing to do with you, just the age and changes he is going thru. Maybe one day when he is older and more mature, you both will look back and laugh at the whole situation. In the mean time, stop competing and trying to parent the boy. Treat him how adults treat kids that are not their own, with respect. If he senses resentment or weakness, he will strike and continue to make your life a living hell. Have a talk with your husband, but remeber that first he is this kids father,so if you don't get the answer you want, don't over react. Imagine your daughter treating your next husband the way you are treated. Self Reflect.

Answer 5

LISTEN TO ME.........I am a father of five children....two with my X, and three with my "improved model" wife......What I'm telling you is VERY important, so listen up......Your husband should NEVER feel like he should have to choose between the two of you....because his son is his flesh and blood and will always come first, even if your husband makes you feel different about "who's side he's on".......Your step son misses his mother and no matter what you think.....he needs LOVE from you.....not HATE......He is entering his teenage years and will be rebellious, especially toward "the woman who's trying to take his mothers place"...(not that you are trying to take her place, but look at the situation through his eyes)....Don't try to buy or force his respect....EARN IT....you are the adult....you really need to act like an adult and take action as an adult should (asking this question is a good first step)....OK....nobody is perfect, so forget about the past and deal with the future....Your son needs to see his father being affectionate with you more often....in other words...if YOUR SON (think of him as your own, because if you don't, then do you really love your husband???) sees the two of you kissing in the kitchen, or holding hands on the couch....after he realizes his dad is happy, then it would only be natural for him to "let you into the family".....on the other hand......if you scream at him or his father, or do hateful things, then the problem is your own fault, not the child’s (you mentioned you had a temper....we all have tempers, we just have to control them, especially in front of children.. who learn from us).....As you can see, LOVE is the key to success with your step child......please take my advise.....if my new wife didn't change when she did....I would have divorced her because of her jealousy towards my children...think about that......and good luck!

Answer 6

hi there i do i start this one ......right there is this step son that you cant stand the sight of and that youre convinced that he is out to destroy youre life wth youre husband and youre daughter.............lets put it this way ....are you really suprized this lad has had his mother walk out of his life and not get in contct with him let alone talk to him this boy is so angry with the world that hes now so scared that you are going to leave him and his dad could be next to leave him and the thing with youre daughter is really simple to understand you are giving her cuddles and full attention and nothing in his direction ......and why should you i can here you say .......thats simple you are the only female thing thats near him and if you believe me or not that wee lad needs a lot of love and attention ,i feel so sorry he is just reacting to whats happened and with him being so young he has no idea of how to deal with it he doesnt understand why this has happened ,....what makes me mad is that you can say that he is responsible for it all for god sake he is the child here you are the adult .......waken up and have a good look how would you like someone to say these things about youre daughter .......and while im at this dont ever blame a child or any one for youre temper that is a emotion that is youres and youres alone to use nd do with what you want ......it is not the step son that loses it it is you .......that wee boy has a lot to deal with and could do with a lot of love and attention ......not hatered .......i realise that living with him is not easy but it wont get better if you and his dad dont satrt tackling this problem and that is whats happened to him and not the boy himself because if you where to sak him if he wanted this to happen he say what ????? no he just wants it all to stop and all the hurt that he is felling to go away ,i feel so sorry for you and even more sorry for this wee boy that is so huert and confused what a shame for him to see his wee sister get all the love and attention in the world put in her direction and not one drop put in his world ....but when something goes wrong then holy hell breaks lose around him .....and that is the only way he see how to get attention from both you and his dad ......good luck and i hope this has wakened you up a bit ......that is if you have read the whole thing that you asked for a point of view

Answer 7

Realize that he is a child and he's trying to exert his power because he feels powerless. I would recommend family counseling. Does your husband know everything you just mentioned. Maybe he needs to sit down with his son and have a serious talk, he is five and can rationalize. Instead of making you the enemy maybe you and your husband can come up with a plan where only daddy is disciplining him such as: your stepson breaks something or does something bad, you tell him you're writing it down, and when daddy gets home you read the list off to him in front of your stepson and daddy decides the disciplinary action (with your input of course, maybe not in front of the child). When your stepson sees that you and daddy is on your side (so to speak) he may calm down. I would also try a rewards system for when he actually does do something good. Good luck! I would really seek professional advice because I'm just guessing here.

Answer 8

I have two boys of my own, and I think it has little to do with the fact that you are the stepmom and more to do with the fact that he is a boy. Unfortunately you are at the point where you need to take some relatively extreme measurs. Many boys want to feel like they are in charge and that you cannot control them.

1.) Put him in charge of something around the house, but not just a menial chore, something that is beneficial to him in getting what he wants and is unrelated to his relationship to you or his dad.

2.) Take things away from him. I hit my kids (sparingly), but not everyone agrees with that. Probably not the right solution for a non-biological mom. Instead take things away, not temporarily . . . forever. This sometimes takes a little self sacrifice. After some problems between my boys and their mother, I took the television away. We haven't had one for almost a year.

3.) Do fun things (for him) with a group that he likes. At first, he will try to embarass you in front of his friends, but that will eventually get old for his friends, and they will scold him. Don't underestimate the positive power of peer pressure. Take the kids to the movies, bowling, to the amusement park . . . but NOT as a reward, as a scheduled event unrelated to behavior. His friends will like you, and he will as well.

4.) Change yourself. You are 90% of the problem. Remember he is the child, and you are the parent; this is regardless of whether you gave birth to him or not. Don't loose your cool, don't make faces, don't show exasperation, don't let your mouth run off. Remember, it is YOUR behavior that has enabled him to get this far. YOU are the failure; it has next to nothing to do with him. Pick up a book on how to raise boys and read it (but don't allow him to know you are or he will know you are trying to control him). You will be suprised at how many easy solutions you overlooked in your anger. YOU need to change your anger to love. Love conquers all, and it is infectious.

Remember he is nothing more than a little boy. If you continue to love him no matter what, he will eventually love you back.

Answer 9

Wow!!! That is a tough one.. I had the same problem with my stepson but the good thing is he did not leave with us. He was also evil and his mother was worse. For seven years I had to go through torture with the both of them. I would tell him to do something then he would tell me that he does not have two mothers. So I said too him, if you are coming to my house you are going to respect me. I know that I am not your mother but your are not going to treat me bad because your mother told you so.
I do have children with my husband also, and it seems like when I had my son, he was jeolous. He would say things too his mother that his dad is going to forget about him. But when we had my daughter the mother was the one that was jeolous. Because she wanted to have a girl too and she wanted to have it by my husband. That ***** was crazy... Too make a long story short, she had a big argument with my husband regarding her son. She felt that her son was number one because he was born first and he needs to acknowledge him more then his other children. The worse thing that she did was call ACS children services on my husband and myself and I told my husband that is it. I do not want nothing to do with her and her son. My husband made the choice to stay away from that crazy women, and now he pays her child support.

Getting back to you, speak to him ans make him respect you because he is living under your roof and you should not tolerate is bad behavior. You are in control, not him... Eventually my stepson started to be afraid of me because I was not playing games and he knew it. Please do not let him have the control, your the adult put your foot down. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 10

Your husband really needs to step into his place and put the pressure on his son. Tell him to get his son into some major counseling. If not, that boy is going to do some serious damage and be in and out of Juvenal Hall. As for him being cruel to your daughter, do not let him any where near her. If he is pinching her now, he will do worse in the future. If you catch him hurting her again, call the police. But the best thing would be to get him out of your house.