How many times have you forgiven/taken back a cheating spouse? Did they ever change?

Question

I gave my husband a second chance and he cheated on me again. I left him...tonight he came over to my family's house and started crying...and told me that he would change...

I believe in forgiving...we have all fallen short and we all have sinned...

I know that adultery is grounds for divorce...

But...I wanted to know if your spouse has cheated (twice or more) how many times have you taken them back/forgiven them? And did they ever change? Or was it a never ending cycle?

Answer 1

I have dealt with so much bs from my now EX-husband that I should write a book. My husband and I were married young (18) and also divorced young, this year at the age of 23. Prior to being married, I knew that he habit of being pretty much a compulsive liar but nothing was ever that big in my eyes that would compromise our relationship or my leaving him. I figured that it was maturity issue and that things would be different once we were married. I should've known better and realized that those were ultimately warning signs that predicted our fate. He cheated on me and lied about it, first the girl was coming on to him and then as more of the story accidently leaked out and his lies weren't matching up, he admitted to cheating (but never slept with her...yeah right.). I moved out to Germany to be with him while he was on active duty with the Army and you would smack me in the head for stupidity for the things that I put up with there. He would constantly lie to me about having over night guard duty (sometimes he would say that oh we dont have to wear our uniform and then once I was getting on him about that, he started wearing his uniform and would keep a change of clothes in a bag and change once he got to his friends barracks) and then our babysitter would never be around on Friday nights when he went out with his friends so I could never go...One of his friends that he used to drag home to actually hang out with me so he could pass out actually fessed up to me about what was really going on...At my husband's decision, he rounded up all of the guys and would take them first to the strip club and then to the Red Light District all while I was sitting at home watching our lil baby girl. I left him at that point (although he only admits to going there and not doing anything...once again yeah right)...Oh and while I was pregnant and he was overseas, I found out that he was on a military dating website too...But we continued to talk while I was back home in NY and he was still in Germany and for some dumb reason he promised that things were going to change once he got out of the military and even reasoned that the military was what influenced him to be such an a*shole to me. I know it sounds like stupid reasoning but I was naive and thinking with my heart when I shouldve been thinking with my head. I wanted to keep our family together for the sake of my daughter and I always wanted to believe his biggest lie, that he loved me and that he would change. I never had the actual hard proof that he had cheated beyond hearsay so although my trust was pretty much non-existent for him, I stayed. Needless to say we lived together back in NY for a lil over a year and this past March, I finally got the proof that I needed to make me realize that this man was way too selfish and immature to ever change. He went out one night and came home drunk and with a hickey on his neck. He even tried to lie that it wasn't a hickey and that he had no idea how it happened...I kept him around for a few days and then just out of pure suspicion, I checked his wallet and found a note saying "Hey sexy, hope you have a good night and think of me:)"..That was it, I kicked him out right there and then and am so happy now that I did...I checked his cell phone bill and he was having an affair or at least talking to this skank since a lil before Valentine's day. I knew that he was being secretive but I really wanted to believe it this time and that he would forfeit his child and daughter for some immediate gratification from some chick. Perhaps, he thought that he would just get away with it again and that I would stay with him just as I had before because it was only after finding all of the hard proof of the hickey, cell phone bill, and letter that he admitted to it but once again he said that he didn't sleep with her...yeah right...When I first kicked him out, he didnt seem to care bc I guess he still had the skank pining away for his affection but a few weeks later and then again a few months later, he tried to reconcile claiming that he it took this much for him to realize what he has lost and that he can't be without me..blah blah blah...I started to reconsider the divorce bc I did care about him on some level but thank god I actually used my head for once and kept reminding myself of what had brought us to where we were...words are just words if there is no action behind them and at that point I didnt even care if there was...I would not subject myself to anymore pain and I would not subject my daughter to ever seeing our marriage as the basis of a relationship bc I dont ever want her to endure what I have. Well our divorce was finalized a few weeks ago and I am so happy that it is...and you know what he hasn't changed...hes dating this chick Kristin and guess what prior to me knowing about it but knowing now that they are together...we had slept together...If I had known it would never have happened but I was lonely and Ill leave it at that...The point of my telling that is that he never changed, he's just doing it someone else and hopefully that chick will wisen up to his bs a lot soon then I did...I think that people have the capacity to change if they really want to but if they dont do it for themselves, they will never change and Im sorry people cannot change for the sake of someone else. If you really believe that he is sorry for his wrongs and is wanting to change bc HE realizes that he was wrong (not that he got caught or will lose you) make him prove it by separating for a while and make him go to counseling...If he demonstrates that he devoted to changing himself to be a better person then perhaps you two could have a future together. If not, then you know what you have to do..No one should have to endure this esp more then once, it was one of the most painful and hurtful things anyone has ever done to me...esp bc he was the person closest to me...and you can't allow him to get away with it by forgiving him so easily. If you do just forgive, you most certainly wont be able to forget and counseling is going to be necessary for him alone as well as for both of you as a couple. Life is too short to sit around allowing someone to disrespect and break your trust all for some selfish momentary gratification..It shows where his priorities are at and at this point it doesnt seem to be with you...Good luck in whatever decision that you make but please dont base your decision to stay on his words, only his actions. You have to be strong right now and you also need to differentiate your emotions from ur good reasoning...Emotions can be very decieving as you have seen with my following my heart constantly only to get hurt time and time again...and the best advice to give you is to think with your head and really contemplate what staying married to someone like this could entail and what will make you happy. Good luck and I sincerely hope that whatever decision you come to will make bring you happiness and keep you from being hurt.

Answer 2

I have never had my husband cheat on me (Thank God), and I hope I never have to go through what you are going through. But I have seen many cheating spouses. And they very rarely change. My best friend from high school married the first guy she ever dated and had sex with. He cheated on her several times, and each time he said he was sorry and did the whole crying, groveling bit. And she would forgive him and take him back. The last time he gave her a STD that he got from sleeping around. That finally woke her up to the fact that he was not going to change. Thank God she did before he slept around and gave her some thing more serious like Aids.
I have just seen so many situations like yours that I don't believe he will change. Remember the saying a leopard can not change his spots!
I hope this helps you. Please get rid of him, move on. And find some one who will love and cherish you for the person you are. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Good Luck & God Bless

I also want to add that now days you don't have to use adultery as a reason for divorce, it can some times be hard to prove. you can just file for divorce on the grounds of incompateability.

Answer 3

A cheat is a cheat, and they always do it again . Reason is because they belive that you are not able to be strong , you took them back one didnt you. Another thing; God would not have put it in the bible as grounds for a divorce if he too did not belive it was very serious. This is a sacred bond between a you , him and God. When it happened to me, i never thought twice about it. I left and never went back. Funny thing is that the very person i caught my ex with he married, not even a year passed and he caught her with one one the contractors that was building their house, actually he had a recorder taped to the back of their headboard and i guess they were gettin it on so good the darn thing fell off and they found it. The contractor screamed into the recorder that obviously she didnt want him anylonger and to go away. then threw it out the bedroom window where my ex found it on the ground. KARMA it bites back 2 fold i tell ya.

Answer 4

I forgave mine- but did not take him back-= he went and married the other woman and cheated on her- he had been a cheater before I married him- so- there still is hope -couple counseling is needed and true repentance on his part and getting to the root of the problem- you do have biblical grounds for divorce- you can forgive him but that does not mean you have to stay married to him- adultery puts your life at risk-- d

Answer 5

My father..(...God bless hi soul..). I never knew it until I started finding photos of him and other women in old shoe boxes, while digging for dropped coins in my parents closet. I questioned my mom about it. She always told me that he just loved to be kind to women and that some women repaid him by being very kind to him in return. But he feels very bad about it. I asked her if that ever bothered her. As I looked in her eyes while she replied, I saw an empty feeling. A feeling of sorrow, yet convincingly covered up with a smile. I am now 30, this was over 20 years ago when I interrogated mom. My father passed in '96 at age 60. To this day I asked her why she stayed with him. She mentioned that she would not be able to care for 8 children on her own. I understand. She also mentioned that he would have never changed if she would have left or not. She added that they did try marital counceling, it only worked for a year. It's sad because my mom is now suffering from so many STD's and HIV. It hurt all of us, because we all had to go in and get checked, too. But deep inside my heart, I feel that she wanted out so bad. But I remember my dad come crying many times when she would take us to stay with auntie. Moms heart would melt for dad, and sooner than you know we'd be driving in the family station wagon headed home. If she only thought abou the future for herself, she would have taken us kids and left. I love him because he was my father, but as a husband, well you an be the judge of that...God Bless you, and may your situation become more stable.....

Answer 6

Sweetie, it's pretty much once a cheater, always a cheater.... You will never get those years back. Staying with such a guy will take therapy on both of your parts, with no guarantees, but one --- lots of heartaches. You gave him one chance. If you give him another, do so only in therapy. He's a sex addict, hon. You did nothing wrong. There's an old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I didn't give mine a second chance. I was outttaaaa there, moved to another state.... and found the prince. What happened to my ex? The girl flushed him......She caught on too......

Answer 7

Honestly you gave him all the chances he needed in my opinion if he did it once and you forgave him he hid it again, once a cheater always a cheater, my ex cheated on me once and I dumped her then been with a cheater before that and she took advantage of me when I gave her a second chance the third time just killed me, my advice cut it now you'll just get more hurt in the end...I'm not saying the he can't change cut chances are if he did it twice why not again?
Best of luck I know it's tough

Answer 8

Without therapy they rarely do. It depends on why the spouse cheated. I recommend that you check out Marriagebuilders.com website for more information on this topic.

Answer 9

maximum possibly, he's an authority lire. we've been jointly over 2 an prolonged time. I in basic terms found out he has intercourse with transvestites he ideas from the porn sites on the information superhighway. He would not decide for to have intercourse with me.... no longer geared up I left him...