Give him another chance?

Question

Am married for 4 years & found out hb have a more than 6 mth long office affair + internet girfriends 3mths ago & probably had been having affairs on and off for the pass 3 yrs. I filed for divorce & he ask me to reconsider when the lawyers's letter reach him, for our 1 year old son. He agreed to see a consellor and claim he is no longer having the affair. Problem is, he lied about the duration of the affair and is wishy washy on when it started/ end. I know for a fact it is still going on 3 weeks ago. He has since put a password on his hand phone so I can't verify whether he is telling the truth.

Shd I still go ahead and try conselling to see if the marriage can be salvage or is it just gonna to be a waste of time? we have loads of other problems beside the affair, including his tendency to be verbally and emotionally abusive. (in fact, that have reduced after he started having affairs - his lover seems to be getting quite a bit of that) My son adore him, hence my dilema.

We have conselling scheduled for next week, and I am asking my lawyer to hold proceeding for a month or 2. Maybe I shd just cancell the conselling?

Answer 1

Your husband is pathetic. But I do understand your dilemma. There is only one thing to consider. And that is trust.

If he wants to regain your trust then he has to open all his private secrets to you. For example the phone situation where it is locked and any internet passwords, if he wants your trust back he has to earn it by being open and see through. Basically whatever it would take for you to trust him again. And no matter what you are asking he will need to prove what he is saying as truth.

If he has decided that he would like to continue the marriage but under his terms, meaning that he is still secretive, then you can expect that his behaviour will not change. I suggest you go to counselling not for the reason of trying to salvage the marriage but to see if it is worth continuing this relationship. If you think it is worth it then seek to salvage the marriage.

The counsellor will tell your husband all about the need to be completely truthful and open, but be prepared to have your husband declare that part of this is your fault. Often he will try to shift some blame, but no matter what reason is offered there is no way to justify the way he has betrayed you and your son.

I would recommend that you keep him in his sons life no matter your situation or relationship with your husband. He will need to understand his fathers mistake in his life. Never lie to your son and he will appreciate this when he is older. Do not stay with this man just to keep your sons family together. He has already torn that apart and destroyed the trust foundation which should exist in a family. Tell him in no uncertain terms that things are going to change one way or the other. He is to obey you when you ask for things (i mean knowledge), and he is to provide proof where possible (make this abundantly clear!). Please do not simply believe that he has changed, rather be sceptical for quite some time until he has satisfied at least some of your trust requirements.

I hope it all turns out better than you see it turning out now. Good luck with everything, I cant imagine what you're going through, so please stay healthy and handle it better than i would have :)

Answer 2

First of all, he needs to prove to u that he's ready to be a real man and own up to his vows and his responsibilities, me personally id put him on a 6 month probation period.. make him court u again, make him go to counseling with u, and let him know that u dont need proof of an affair if he is caught in anything that is even seemingly looking like he's cheating during this 6 months that ur seperated.. that ur going ahead with the divorce.. your son, although its hard that he'd have to live with out his father if he cant get his act together, it would be alot easier on him for it to happen now, then say 3 years or so down the road.. so if its going to work it needs to work now if not ur better off and ur son is better off if he leaves now rather then trying to hold it together just so it can happen again, but he needs to be taught a lesson that this is not tolerated, that he needs to be in this marriage every sec of the day for the rest of his life.. and not just when its convient to him..

Answer 3

Three options:

If u are bothered about the marriage you need to first understand the causes of him having an affair outside marriage. Ask him what he wants from you n why is he having any affairs. u could tell a good friend of yours to watch on him.

If u are only bothered about your son being fatherless once u leave, don't leave him but if u are dead sure he is having an affair WITH PROOFS, u can have an affair too!

If u don't bother about anything take a divorce, your son can meet up his father now n then or keep your son with him, if he is so attached to him!

Answer 4

If he wants another chance from you than he should have nothing to hide from you. Him putting a security code on his phone already tells you he is still hiding something from him. I know that you are thinking for your son to consider giving him a chance but your husband really doesn't sound like he deserve the chance.... He is not a good husband but yet can still be a good father... No woman deserve to be treated the way you do. If your husband truely love you or care for the 4 yrs of marriage with you he would never hurt you by cheating on you. Just remember taht he has a change of heart.

Answer 5

Your chat friendship may be allowing you to revel in a fantasy life that is rich with rewards. A chat friendship has absolutely no bearing on life in the real word. Via the Internet, a person can present himself or herself as they wish, with no accountability. You have absolutely no guarantees that your chat friendship would withstand even one week of a real-life relationship.

The fact that children are involved needs to be considered seriously. There is no doubt that divorce is very hard on kids, and most studies show that it is better for kids to grow up with both a mom and a dad, even if their marriage isn't a bed of roses.

Now that your husband is cooperating with court ordered counseling it would seem to me that your energies and efforts would be better spent dealing with the real issues of your relationship and marriage. As long as your chat friendship continues, you will not be emotionally available for a serious marriage encounter. I would not belittle your husband's willingness to go for counseling, despite it being court ordered.

Look at this as an opportunity for change.

I would agree with you that there are red lines in any relationship. Physical abuse is one of those red lines. Change, however is possible, and giving your husband a chance to prove this change may be the beginning of building a new relationship within your marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I am truly sorry to hear that you are in this situation. There is no excuse or justification for cheating on you, you don't deserve that. I don't get why men or women fail to see the importance of commitment in marriage. I am a guy and call me atypical, but I really do cherish the ideals of marriage, and these days a lot of foolish people think that they abuse their significant other in marriage. I know we can't shut off the part of us that will acknowledge other people's beauty/appearance, but I really do believe that when I get married, I will love my wife with all that I am.

I hope that you will find someone who will love you, not just romantically, because even romantic love can fade, but I hope whoever it is that deserves you will be someone who will love you in a very innocent and genuine way.

Answer 7

Skip the counseling. Good thing that you went with your first intuition and filed for the divorce. He hasn't respected you for almost your entire marriage so why give him a second chance? And especially if the's verbally and emotionally abusive....do you want your son to grow up learning that behaviour from his dad? Much better that the two of you leave and live a better, healthier life.

Answer 8

he put a password on his phone,it is most certinly a waste of time dear, he is still hiding something. actions speak for themselves. somehow we never quite feel the same once we learn that we have been betrayed and cheated on. once trust is lost it is lost forever, save yourself from more heartache and pain and just go on with the divorce. sometimes it is just easier to end a bad marriage and not be disrespected like that. cheating is not your only problem here. if it were me i would just move on with the divorce. has he once shown any remorse for it?we always want to believe it won't happen again, and we can trust again, but in the back of our minds it continues to linger, reminding us every day. it's even hard to sit across the room and have a conversation with someone who has hurt you like this. this was a hurt you did not deserve, his choices caused this, not anything you did, it isn't about you it's about the other woman. if i had to share my husband i would just divorce him first.

Answer 9

Deep down inside, you already know the answer to your question...the thing that keeps tugging at your heart is your son, he loves his daddy. He can still love his daddy. He is young enough right now to adapt to you two not being together, which by what you wrote, you shouldn't put up with that for another second, that is BS...be alot better to end it now, while he is one, than when he is 15 and you have more kids with this guy, who if he is having sex with other women, what kinds of diseases is he exposing you to. That my dear you do not deserve, at all...anyone would tell you he's not the man you should be with.

Answer 10

I agree Scoundrel. you provides a minute or 2 for a poorly wound watch, yet 7 minutes in no longer suitable. And your good judgment is nice on aim. by the 4th date it is going to ba an hour you would be waiting finding like the twerp. sturdy call my pal. I even tend to be very stingy while it consists of 2d possibilities. If it became substantial to her she could have been there 10 minutes early, no longer 7 minutes late. i does no longer supply this lady yet another risk to depart you status there. depart her the place she is.... dumped.