Husband secretly visiting strippers for 2 1/2 years?

Question

I am a first timer posting a blog. I need some advice. I recently discovered that my husband has been visiting the same 3 strippers for over 2 1/2 years. I grew suspicious of his late hours at work and I discovered this information by checking his cell phone records. It appears that he was calling these strippers compulsively. He has spent thousands of dollars at the strip joints. He claims that he never had sex with these women, but only got lap dances in which he ejaculated into his pants. He has expressed that he is very sorry and that he will not continue these activities. He says that he did this in order to escape from his worries at work and in life. I am an attractive women, but since discovering this infidelity, i have felt very low in self-esteem. I want to forgive him, but I don't think that I can get past this. I know that he didn't cheat on me emotionally, however, his addiction to strip bars made him emotionally and sexually unavailable. What should I do?

Answer 1

First, after two and a half years and thousands of dollars I doubt he was only getting a lap dance! But if you think that he is a good man and that you want to get through this as a couple that you should get some couples therapy. He was obviously dealing with stress and did not feel that he could talk to you about the level of stress in his life. This will mean nothing to hear this from me but I would not let the strippers change how you feel about yourself. This is not an easy situation but if you want your marriage to continue then start by rebuilding the trust and intimacy of your relationship... hopefully soon when he has a bad day at work he can just come home and talk through it with you, like most husbands do... and then maybe you two can learn to be there for each other again... and he will come home for his lap dance :) best of luck to you... take it slow and allow things to heal... at your pace, not his.

Answer 2

Great question and worthy of a genuine response.
I am a 30-year-old straight male and have gone to strip clubs in the past. It's more for the show and the fact that there are completely nude women in front of me whose job it is to make me, ahem, excited. But I'm not married and not even dating.
My personal response to my behavior is "no harm no foul." The urge strikes me every few months or so and I indulge it - there seems to be no shortage of very attractive women who are willing to do almost anything for money. And that's the thing. Most of these women are in it for nothing more than the money and many are very, very good actresses - they make you believe you are the most attractive, well-hung or sexiest man alive. What many forget is this is their job - and they're well paid to do it.
My opinion is this: if you can't forgive it, then you can't - and there's no shame in that. I know married couples who frequent strip clubs together - but that's not for everyone. If you're willing to forgive his physical transgressions and focus on the emotional fidelity, then great. But that's your choice, and either way you go is correct.
Just a question in response - what is it exactly that bothers you? Is it your husband being aroused by another woman? Is it his apparent disinterst in you, sexually? The answer to that question will probably shed some light on the whole situation.

Answer 3

As a spouse, he's not keeping his responsibility of being honest w/ you. What else is he hiding from you? Honey, I strongly feel that any man willing to spend money on another woman no matter what circumstances is WRONG. And in my book, it's still considered cheating because if he feels that he ain't getting it at home and the only resort is going to strip clubs, I mean, it's pretty self explanatory. He's probably a porn addict as well and probably looks at other chicks right in front of you. I feel you girl, but in the end, you need to do what's beneficial for you and your needs. Obviously he's not giving you the support of a husband and you feel deserted. If your as pretty as you say than it's not looks that will keep your man faithful. It's him and even though it may sound harsh, but don't feel sorry for yourself because deep down inside you knew for awhile. Good luck sweetie, and give us all an update......

Answer 4

Yeah, he would be full of the BS. You are deluding yourself if you think he will stop, just like that. This has become a lifestyle for him. It is not likely it will stop on your watch.

Make him make the effort. He is the one who needs to display how important your relationship is. Tell him you both need to go to counseling, or you're leaving. Make sure he follows through with whatever the counselor recommends. If he does it halfheartedly or not at all, you'll know he will never change. Only if he sincerely and consistently shows he is trying is it worth considering staying in the marriage.

Answer 5

Awww, falling for that line. Many strip clubs...say there is a no touch policy...been in many and they do touch and sometimes get away with more if U know what I mean. Girl...he is a cheater. The excuse to go there to get away from his worries at work and in life...lol he's playing U and U fell for it. That is a silly excuse to go to such a sleazy place. And to top it off...he has 3 strippers #'s in his cell that he calls...hummmmmm... think about it.

Answer 6

If you want to forgive him because you love him, well..that decition is just yours, just make sure you MAKE him get tested for any STD's and you should do the same, what makes you think he is telling you the truth when he says he didn't have sex with them, he lied to you for 2 1/2 years right?? ...

Answer 7

What he did pissed me off. I can understand yr feeling. But he can't use this reason to relax himself. He is married with an attractive wife. He should tell u his worries etc so u can "share" his load. I suggest both of you go for counselling. It's not easy for u to forget what he has been doing for past 2 1/2 yrs. If u did not question him will he stop doing it? So, best is go for counselling. If he really can't release his stress counselling may help him on that too.

Answer 8

Your question here has nothing to do with a blog, but to answer it, I suggest y'all get counseling...I'd be troubled too if I knew my partner had been hiding something from me that long...

You need to learn to trust him again...get your self esteem back...and forgive...he needs to get over the "addiction" and put his mind back on his marriage...and learn that lies or secrets aren't what builds or keeps a relationship worth being in...

Answer 9

I would be hard pressed to believe he jacked in his pants
for 2 1/2 years. Men are pigs, this is not a reflection on you.

Answer 10

This is sickening! Get away from that man! He is a disgusting man-whore! Don't buy into his bull. He wants his cake and the other stuff too. Oh my gosh. That really sucks too hear you are going through this!