What should I do with my wife?

Question

She recently told me that she's not in love with me, and never has been. She doesn't want to seperate because we just moved into a new house together with our 2 kids. She doesn't want to have sex because she says it's too complicated. She leaves most of the housework to me and rarely comes home.

There was no fight, no unresolved issue, nothing. I was blindsided.

However, I seriouly doubt she's cheating - it's just not her. She is an amazingly talented person - artist, cook, dancer, writer - she is a force of nature. She's 5'3", 107 lbs, red hair - HOT!!!

I still love her, but I feel in my heart that we're over.

I don't want to leave her because she would be financially ruined, but I can't just watch her grow apart from me.

What the hell should I do?!?

Answer 1

Oh honey, my heart goes out to you. Not only have you been blinde-sided to this, but you are still walking around with that blindfold on, not wanting to look at the bigger picture. The first thing you need to do, is take it off and face reality. Then, take her off of that pedestal you put her on. She may be amazing, but if she's leaving you to care for the kids, and do the housework while she comes and goes, not only is she cheating, but she's taking advantage of you big time. You are worried about her finances, yet what is she worried about? Probably nothing. You have it all taken care of. You also need to realize that you can't make her love you. If she no longer does, ignoring the situation doesn't make it go away hon. I'ts only going to get worse. And from what I read, this seems to be her way...."let it go and have him deal with it". Marriage doesn't work that way and you are only setting yourself up for more heartache. WIth her telling you this, it's not going to be long before she finds a plan B (A way out). You needd to sit her down and ask her what her intentions are. Tell her that you aren't going to live this way and you don't wish for your children to grow up witnessing a loveless marriage. (It takes a huge toll on them that they carry into adulthood). Either you try to work out the issues through counseling, or you need to part ways until she decides what she wants out of life. I know it will be hard, but you have to stop being so accomodating to her. You are making this really easy for her to continue doing and it shouldn't be. I'm a mother of five. I'm considered a "milf" by my son's friends standards, I am super mom, I do it all, and I work, but I'm also a super wife. I know that it takes two of us to keep together what we have. And as I go on my 18th year of marriage, there is nothing in the world that could keep me away from my husband or my children. I don't know you or your wife,, but something has tempted her, something has led her heart to stray and you need to realize that. And please keep in mind that I said "her heart" is straying. That doesn't necessarily mean an affair. Granted, it honestly seems that way, but it could be anything hon. You know her better than any of us...it could be her writing, her dancing, etc. Whatever it is, it's selfish. As a wife and a mother, she should know that she gave up her luxury of putting herself first. She made the choice to make the "me" thing a "we" thing and if she no longer likes it, then she needs to deal with it, not ignore it and expect you to deal with it....that's not the way things work. Talk to her. Tell her what you aren't going to put up with. Put your foot down, get angry, demand answers...just take some sort of initiative or it's never going to change. I wish you luck, peace and a happy ending to this problem.

Answer 2

When a woman is not attracted to you it is.......for the most part.....a done deal. Most women will not be so straight forward about how they feel if home sweet home will go away......so they just keep on. The very first sign is the lack of sex.
You can bet she is not....and may never have been....attracted to you. You were a convenience she couldn't pass up. Sorry!

I have been where you are and it lasted 37 years. Sooner or later...when the time is right....you will be informed.....sounds like the time was right.

Don't kid yourself about there being no one else. Even if it is not sexual you can better believe there is someone else who gave her the ability to tell you this. As you said leaving her would financially ruin her. She very well knows that so is just hanging on.

Your future with her is grim. Oh you will share the same space....may even talk about how your day went...and work to raise the kids. But forget it ever being romantic again.

You say you were blindsided. I was too. However as I look back there were plenty of signs. She told me in so many ways of her dissatisfaction but I could not hear it.

Ask yourself this. What now is there in this marriage for you?
You do most of the housework.....and she is rarely home. How is that different than if you divorce.

If you are worried about her financially make that part of your divorce. You have to take care of the kids anyway. But at least you will be free to find someone that will be there just for you.
If you don't do this i can guarantee you that "force of nature" will mess your life up good at some point in the future.

My wife had seven affairs early in our marriage. I knew nothing of this until many years later. The pain was horrible but with help I got past it. I thought that things were okay then. Because of our life situation at the time she again sought solace elsewhere and this time I got the divorce. 37 years gone. And I was right at retirement.
I have never known that kind of pain in my life.

Do not let this happen to you.

Answer 3

I don't think she is cheating either. I think that your attitude for the last couple months must have just turned her off of men completely. You screwed up and it looks like you've been doing it so long that she has turned callus toward you. Didn't you even have a clue? Where was your head? "You know we never really appreciate the things we love till they are gone". Lesson learned. I have to give you some advice though to see if I can still snag 10 points for best answer. So.... The quote above would be the best thing to start with. Next tell her you will work on whatever she wants to try and rekindle the romance in your life. Promise to abide by her no sex wishes, don't even try! However, give her a time limit. This is for you, not her. If she doesn't feel for you at all within two months, YOU will start the divorce proceedings. This will wake her out of a mental state of paralysis. Again, I don't want you to think I believe in any way she is at fault. The blame is yours and you need to voice it, but only once. From now on if this works out, keep an eye out for the danger signs, there are always signs. You just didn't see em.

Answer 4

Wow, sounds like my story. Except it turns out my husband was bipolar (undiagnosed until just before he left), suffering depression and anxiety (from new job and my bout with breast cancer), and cheating with a 21 yr. old 200 lb. coworker. We had just built a house. I was left with 1 child needing serious therapy (his dad left on father's day) and 12 1/2 yrs. of marriage down the drain.
Your wife may be suffering from depression. She may be embarrassed or confused by a low sex drive and not know how to deal with it. She might just be in a rut wondering if she's made the right decisions in life. She may not understand the difference between the 'in love' feeling you two initially had and how that feeling changes and needs nurturing. She may not be cheating - don't assume she is or accuse her of this without proof.
One thing that may work if she doesn't want to pursue counseling - show her what life would be like without you and with the kids being split shuffled back and forth. Look up the statistics on failure rates for second marriages (it's much higher than the failure rate for first marriages) and the effects divorce has on children. Possibly take a break for a little while (have her stay with a relative for awhile). Set up guidelines as to how this temporary time away would work.
Also, let her know that you would very much like to make it work. But also let her know that it has to be all or nothing. Sex is an important part of a marriage - be willing to be patient while you both get to the root of the problem. See a sex therapist - have her pick the therapist.
Don't give up without at least trying - otherwise you'll always wonder about what could have been. My ex had next to no contact with me for 8 mos. - he never offered to come help with anything, physically or financially, once he had left. Then suddenly he decided he might want to work things through. He realized he had made a mistake (his other relationship was having problems). I couldn't and wouldn't take him back. I know I made the right decision not to take him back but I still miss him. My vows had meant everything to me. Two yrs. later our house is up for sale, our son's grades dropped from all A's and B's to C's, D's, and E's.
Everyone is always very quick to say just move on. That doesn't say much for today's society. It seems that anything that takes effort isn't worthwhile.
Work on it. See a counselor - on your own and as a couple. Best of luck.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like she has moved on to someone else. What is she doing away from the house all that time? Where is she? Who is watching your kids?

I guess the only choices you have at this point are to accept living with her as a friend because it's in the best interest of your children and the best financial move OR you can let her go and move on with your life. Why should you be bound in a sex-less, love-less relationship with someone so cold and self-centered? I don't care how HOT she is! Are you really just wanting a trophy? From your question I don't think that's the case.

All that said, God can certainly restore marriages. He did mine. It certainly helps though when that's what both parties want. Pray and ask God for guidance. He will open and close doors for you to help you know the right decisions to make.

God bless you and give you strength to go through this difficult time in your life!

Answer 6

hi.
sorry to hear about your situation.
i agree with a couple of answers above, you cant make her love you if she no longer does, and it is possible that you never really had her at all.
what a dreadful shock and realisation. i dont blame you one bit for trying to not face that entirely.
i do think counselling would be great for you.
also, you could get a private detective on her, and you could see whether or not she's cheating. i hope she isnt, but kind of sounds like she is.
she probably doesnt recognise her behaviour as being selfish. she probably doesnt recognise herself much at all at the moment, as she is caught up in something.
maybe you should have some time apart, say up to six months, and then she can see what life is like without you.
this would be good for the kids also. it doesnt have to be a bomshell on them, just say, you are giving mommy some space for a while. better to be honest, they'll appreciate it.

all the best.

Answer 7

If you really want to resolve things and possibly ever make them work out, you're going to have to change your attitude. Don't be Poor Mr. Husband who feels like his wife has left him... she will get sick of you so quickly and do whatever she can to get away from you (probably why she never comes home). Instead you should try to develop a different side to a relationship with her. See if she wants to spice things up a bit by doing things that maybe traditional husband/wives don't do. Go wild. Bring up swinging, or add some interesting.. elements. This is not the sort of thing to suggest in the bedroom at night. Don't make her be scared of you. But instead go out and watch some strippers together, her choice. Do what she wants to do--what does she do when she is out and rarely comes home?

Or sort of play hard to get. Make her feel like you don't need her anymore. She might realize you might leave and decide that she really does need you.

Answer 8

Seems like you have no choice divorce leave her pay child support and be done with it. You can't make no one love you if they don't. What was she thinking when she married you and had two kids. My husband ex said the same thing to him. I'm glad he had the courage to leave because we are very happy together. Everday is an adventure and we laugh and share so much. None of this would be possible if he decided to stay with someone who didn't love him after they married and had two kids. Good luck.

Answer 9

Go see a therapist for one, to mull this around.

She is selfish to want to stay for the house and your money, don't you think? That is child's behavior. She must talk, you deserve that much.

And certainly if she does not love you, will not sleep with you, ignores you.........well, it's time for her to rely on her friends and MOVE OUT. Take a stand Man!!

Would you sit back and let someone treat your kids that way???

You are worthy and important too......mates should never walk on the other like this. It's unfair and childish. And you deserve better. Don't let her use her sexuality to confuse you. That's unfair too. Blessings!

Answer 10

Communication is the key to all relationships. First and foremost you need to get her to talk about what the problem is. Talk not fight, fighting will only make things worse not better.You need a lot more information before you can make a rational decision specially when there are children involved. I think counseling would help a lot.