I want to ferberize my 11 m old and my husband doesnt. he likes rocking our son to sleep. what should we do?

Question

Me and my husband are struggling with my sons sleeping habits. My husband works during the day and enjoys coming home and allowing our son to sleep with us. I on the other hand, I have to deal with those reprocostions. I have to rock our son to sleep for every nap and to put him to bed. He will sleep in his crib for about 3-4 hours and then wakes up crying. My husband then will get up and put him in our bed. My husband snores and is a bed hog, my son is just like his father. It's so bad I've even threatened to sleep on the floor in my sons nursry! I have heard great things about the ferber method but my husband cant stand hearing my son cry. I'm at a loss with what to do. please help!

I have a hard time hearing him cry too I do have to admit that. It is just hard and I respect my husbands wish for more time, but I am the one who deals with it most of the time. Doing both is not really an option because I honestly feel it might reverse the work I;ve put into it...

If I do ferberize him, and I go in to soote him after however long of crying, how long do I stay in his room to soothe him? Until he falls asleep? Or should that have a time limit too?

I'm a little upset with the way some people took this. First of all, no parent who lets their child cry is a bad parent and it is NOT the easy way out. Any parent who has had a child who has cried knows that hearing it is never easy. If I do follow through with this, he will Not be crying for hours! I would never do anything to hurt my son. I love him more then anything. I am still at a loss with what to do. I suppose this is a subject of much controversy...Again, at a loss

Answer 1

Every child and every family is different. What works for one family may not work for another. My daughter will not sleep as long as there is stimulation (light of any kind or music) or people in her room. The only way my daughter will sleep is if we put her in the crib and turn off all lights and shut the door. Even if she is in bed with us, she will not sleep. (My other daughter is completely opposite and likes soft music playing and lights on to go to sleep). The first couple of nights I she cried a little. But I didn't go back in to pick her up. Now, after story time, we put her in the crib and she lays right down (no crying at all) and goes to sleep. She's so easy to put to bed. She gets the sleep she needs and I get the sleep I need so I am rested enough to be energetic the next day for my two kids. I wish you the best of luck. Like I said, everyone has a different opinion when it comes to how to raise a child but every kid and every family is different and you have to decide what is right for your child and your family.

Answer 2

First thing to address. CIO is cruel. And no, Mommyof4, I'm not ignorant. I've read the studies. A child left to CIO has the vital signs of a person having a stroke. Now how is that healthy? Oh, it isn't.

There is a happy medium in this. You don't have to Ferberize and you don't have to cosleep. No Cry Sleep Solution is a good book.

If you have a chair in his room, bring in a book when you put him down for a nap. Rock him for 5 minutes. Put him in his crib with a soft toy. Tell him "it's nap time, buddy." Sit back down in the rocking chair and read. He'll see you and it should be easier for him to fall asleep.

It will take a while, yes. Remember, though, you are teaching him a life skill. He didn't sit up for long the first time he tried. He didn't crawl the first time he tried. Sleeping independently is a milestone that should be achieved with the same loving attention all the others are.

And the last thing to address. A child sleeping in your bed doesn't mean no more sex. There are other rooms in the house to have sex in. ;o)

Answer 3

Okay 1. you have to understand that they are still little. and they are at the age where they begin to lie because they dont want to get into trouble. A 4 and 6 year old may know some rights from wrongs but they don't know everything. 2. dont put stuff like that in a place where a 4 year old can get a hold of it. Its a pain in the *** i know but you need to probably move stuff like that to another place or better locked place as they get older until they understand better. Look Im with you on the fact that kids that age do understand a lot...but there is a lot they dont often know how to express....and youre right that there is a lot of knew change and that will upset them. Try to encourage your husband to spend more time with them so they will know that he still cares about them too and not just the new baby(s). Try also to spend some time separatly with them. They need to know that youre not there to take any parents away or replace any parents but want to know and love them as well. Get someone to watch the baby and take the kids out together or separatly. You may be right that the kids need some guidance but i would recommend family counselling over separate couselling for them. when kids act out theres a reason and really, everyone needs to be involved in the solution or it isnt a solution. And yeah they probably are jealous. The best way to help that though is to try and involve them with the new baby(s). Ask them to help you pick out what they baby should wear or keep the baby distracted while you change him/her. Ask them whether they are hoping for a new brother or sister and what they think are good names for the new family member (even if they are too radical to consider). If you involve them they realise they are important and needed and wanted. I dont think its the moving back and forth too much though...I know many kids who did the same thing and adjusted well after awhile. They just might need some help and encouragement. And really please consider the family counselling. Its something I wish my father and step-mother would have seriously considered for us instead of discarding so that we could have had better relationships growing up.

Answer 4

I say let dad bond and rock him at night but do so in the child nursery and place him in his bed/crib so the child becomes accustom to his bed and surroundings. If a mom can sit up and soothe a child to sleep in the child's room and bed so can dad. Make it a rule. As for the crying part I would let my kid cry for 7 or 8 minutes and go in and assure them or change them as needed spending at first about 15 minutes and start to decrease the time I stay with them over the next 3 weeks by a minute or two every few days. Once put to bed try to avoid picking up and cuddling the child instead calm them to lay down and talk softly and rub the child's back, head, feet or chest for comfort to find out which works fastest (kids very with this some don't need it or want it at all). Also try leaving a night light on in or just outside the room as comfort and security for small ones.

Answer 5

Check your research. Even Ferber has recanted his position on "Ferberizing." Essentially, he said a lot of parents took one sentence in his book and turned it into their Bible and he really regrets that.

Read Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution and Dr. Sears (www.askdrsears.com) for healthy sleep information. I mean, sure, you could let your son cry and it might be "easier" for you, but is it the best thing for him? He needs a healthy attachment to his parents. He needs to know you're there for him 24/7. Put the time and energy in now and you'll have a healthy, well-adjusted child later. The kids I know who were CIO'd as infants have *all* turned bedtime into a battleground as they got older.

Taking a shortcut now isn't going to help you or your precious baby in the long run. It sounds like your husband has the right idea.

Answer 6

My son is 11 months also, I ferberized him at about 6 months, now my husband or I put him to bed in his crib (say good night, turn off lights and walk out) at 8:30 every evening, and we don't hear a peep. 95% of the nights he will sleep straight through until about 7am. If he's teething that's another story! Even with nap time, I change his bum, read him a story, put him in his crib and walk out. 85% of the time I don't hear a peep. I think you really need to do it. Like most of the moms say on here, it only takes a few days, but you will be thankful and well rested next week!!! And your son will be thanking you also, this is a necessity he needs to learn!

Answer 7

Gosh as a parent up unti my daughter was about six I rocked her to sleep, it was our "good night" ritual, and it didn't hurt her a bit. As an infant I would rock her to sleep and then put her down in her crib, there was no fussing no crying, yes she would occasionally cry over loosing her pacifier, I would go in, put it back patted her on the back and went back into my bedroom. I can understand your husband's sentiments. I too worked full time outside the home and this was a good mommy/daughter bonding time. No one was hurt by it. The world didn't' come spinning to a halt. Once she was in her crib/bed that was where she was for the night though. There was no bringing her to my bed, she did go through the "night terrors" that toddlers go through but I would go in and comfort her for a few minutes and then she'd go right back to sleep. Maybe it was because I chose to raise her MY way rather than allow some "expert" who wrote a book tell me how to raise her or that I refused to listen to my mother, who didn't do all that great of a job raising her own children (including myself) with her constant criticisms and emotional abuse. I just tried to see the world through my child's eyes and went from there.

Answer 8

Allowing a child to cry at 11 months (after you're sure that he's not injured, hurt, hungry or wet) is ok. Been there-done that. The thing is you (rather your husband) is starting a precedent that will be incredibly difficult to break once he gets older and doesn't help him learn independence.

Here's what my Pediatrician had me do. The first night...I was to put a couple of toys in the crib and her favorite blanket. Then I was to close the door part way. When she cried, I was to talk to her outside the door. It's ok sweetie...go back to sleep. Mommy cannot come right now. This was torture for me. She wanted me terribly and I couldn't sleep. My husband had to essentially hold me, but he told me not to go to her at all. Just keep talking..letting her know I was here, but she had to go to sleep. The next night, I did the same thing and it was just as hard, but didn't last half as long. By the third night, she cried...I told her to go back to sleep and she played with her toys for a bit and feel asleep. It was the hardest three days of my life...but she never crawled into bed again and she's 16 now. Happy, healthy and well adjusted. Tell your husband to suck it up, be gentle with your son, if you think he can understand let him know what you're going to do, set up his routine (pre-bed) and hold fast. It will be a bumpy few nights and you may be a bit sleep deprived...but it will be worth it. Good luck.

Answer 9

I ferberized my son at around 7 months. He's 14 months old and lies down each night, around 7:00 p.m. in HIS bed, with a pacifier and a sippy cup, curls up with his soft leopard, and sleep until at least 7:00a.m., sometimes 8:00 or 9:00a.m., without a single tear. It took all of a week to go from rocking, pleading, singing, and laying down in my own bed with him, and then having to sneak out of the room, to him just lying down easily and sleeping through the night.

Children who get used to sleeping with parents, especially after they learn to walk, usually end up continuing to sleep with their parents long after it is acceptable. How on earth do you and your husband intend to further procreate??? You can't have sex with a child in your bed. Guess he's destined to be the last you'll have, hmm? Look, either fix the problem and get him used to sleeping alone before he moves to a toddler bed and can walk, or else you'll have to deal with him not only crying, but getting up at all hours and climbing into your bed by himself, or else beating on the walls and door while he screams.

Most ferberizing sessions don't last more than a few minutes, most children stop crying after 3-7 nights, and if I were you, I would explain to your husband that you simply can't live like this anymore. The child needs to sleep alone, and it's either Ferber, the No-Cry Sleep Solution, or your husband comes up with his own idea, but the baby needs to learn to self soothe. It's an important thing to know, not just for sleeping, but for everyday life. As much as it sucks to admit it, you will NOT always be there to comfort him!

Answer 10

I say go for the ferber method. Otherwise you'll be stuck rocking your son to sleep till he's 10. Or worse, older. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby, a girl, and I swear no matter what, she won't get attached to a certain way to fall asleep. it's too much work to try and change their sleeping habits. explain this to your husband and maybe he'll be more willing to try it. if he hates hearing your son cry, close the door so you're less likely to hear him. trust me, once your son learns to fall asleep on his own, he won't cry anymore. hope i helped and good luck.