My husband wants to stay married, I want to leave. What should I do?

Question

We've been married for 13 years and separated once 8 years ago. He says he still loves me and wants to stay together for the sake of our child. But he's one of those men that never talks, doesn't like to go out with us and rarely ever speaks to his child.

I'm tired an I don't love him as a man anymore. All I feel is aprofound friendship towards him. I haven't worked outside of the house for a long time though. I'm in college and I know I could get a half-decent job maybe.

I'm scared but I don't want to go back to him again and go through it all once more.

What should I do? Ladies, if you have been through something similar, please let me know how to handle something like this.

By the way, we just had a talk and he says that he'll do WHATEVER I want as long as we all stay together. What in the world should I do? Follow my heart and be free and let HIM be free or, as he says, stay together for the sake of our child? I'm lost... I'm completely lost right now...

Hi again...

yes, I've suggested counseling in the past but he is completely opposed to the idea of it.

Answer 1

You cannot live your life through the feelings of another person. It is unfair to you and unfair to him. You have to do what is right for you and staying in your marriage if you do not love him is wrong. What will your future be if you stay? You will be unhappy and you will always be living in the shadow of his feelings and not yours. You have to be true to yourself. I know its hard because most of us dont like hurting anyone. Unfortunately though, hurt is a process we all must face at least once in our life...it makes us stronger. If I were you, I would leave him....it will hurt for sure, but with time he will learn to live with it and eventually he will find someone that will love him like he wants you to love him....but you cant. Im sure you have tried to get your feelings back for him, but it just hasnt happened. You are the only one who knows how you feel...you would have a pretty good idea if there was a way you could get your feelings back for him and Im sure if you thought there was a way then you would do it.

Your child will adapt and no child has ever been able to keep a marriage happy, no matter how good the intentions. Your child would be picking up on your unhappiness, so staying for the sake of the child is really defeating the purpose because if you are unhappy then the child will be unhappy.

The hardest thing for anyone is to actually make the move, but once you do it will be a lot easier. You have to decide firstly if you trully do want to leave and it sounds to me like you do. Then you have to put a time frame on it, e.g. say you will give it 2 months to get everything in order...find accommodation, etc. Once you have it firmly fixed in your mind that you are leaving, then you wont go back. You are scared to leave in case you do go back to him. I think that in itself shows that if you make a decision this time to leave him then you wont go back.

Dont let him make you feel guilty and responsible, he has to own his own feelings and you have to own yours. You cannot be responsible for his feelings and you should not stay with him out of guilt or anything else. He is a grown man and he should not want a wife who is only there because she feels sorry for him. He will be fine, and even if he isnt, you cannot be responsible for how another person feels and behaves.....they are all his responsibilities.

You want to leave, you are only there because of his feelings and pleadings. Of course you are feeling sorry for him, it is a sad thing to see someone you care about hurting, but is certainly no basis for a good solid relationship. The only way you are going to lose this lost feeling is to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzel back into their right place. The bottom line is you cannot be responsible for how another person feels. You cannot feel responsible for what another person wants. You cannot live your life through the needs of another person. It is unfair for everyone involved...your husband included. He may not see it like this, but he will eventually. Whilever you care more about his feelings than you do about your own the end result will only be bitterness because with time you will start to resent the fact that he "made" you stay because of how he was feeling. Your feelings are just as important as his are...you have to understand, accept and believe that to be the truth. Once you place importance on your own feelings and put his into the background, you will know what to do.

All the luck in the world.

Answer 2

Was your husband ever a talker and is that the only problem you have right now? If so, I think it is workable; but only if somewhere deep inside you can say there are still things about him now that were some of the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. My husband and I went to counseling because I am very very emotional and will talk something to death and he on the hand is very very non emotional and doesn't really care to talk. The counselor told him that sometimes I need to talk just to talk and I don't need him to fix it or even feel anyway about it but just to listen and give input as requested. Now, if I just need to talk without him trying to fix it for me I tell him that up front and he just lets me talk and answers only what I want him to. Also, if I tell him that I need to know how he feels about a specific thing or that I am interested in him in general and how his day and life are at that point and time, I tell him and he talks for a prescribed amount of time. Usually ten minutes. I know it sounds a little odd but after practicing it for awhile it comes naturally now. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

You say he'll do WHATEVER you want in order to stay together. Counseling - at least 6 mos. and he has to help choose the counselor. Even if he is opposed at first he will warm up to the idea so long as you have a competent therapist/counselor that can put you both at ease and not make either of you feel 'ganged' up on. Tell him that's the deal. Period. And you have to be open to trying, also. Love is a decision, dear.

Answer 4

You sound like you have done your best by staying in the marriage as you said you seperated 8 years ago... so for 8 years you have tried... I have been there and I finally had to get out... it wasn't good for the children seeing me so unhappy... once we divorced... the kids saw their dad more because of the visitation force their dad to spend time with them... when we were together he had little to do with the kids...

No one can give you good advice on this... but I will say this... when there is no doubt in your heart that it is over... than it's over... move on... it's scary but you can do it..

Another thing that kept me in the marriage was the fear of financial ability to maintain a home that my kids were use to... they say when a man and woman divorce alot of women and the kids are reduced to close to the poverty level while the man increases... and being a single parent is tough... the grass is not greener... you say you could get a half decent job... well you're going to need more than half decent... I don't want to discourage you but I won't paint it out to be a pretty picture... there were times I struggle... I hope this helped... good luck...

Answer 5

The thing is that in a good marriage there are two happy people, not just one. So it is cool he says that he loves you and will do anything to keep you... but will that make YOU happy??? You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders- even if he changed for you would that make you happy? Would he be living a lie, going against his true nature just to keep you around. Children are a great gift but you still have a right to a great relationship with your man. Does he love you? Is he there for you? Do you share small, tender moments or laughter and love? You have to decide what you need to be happy and fulfilled in life.. You can't stay just for the children's sake... You have to be a complete person in your own right.

Answer 6

First of all, you should realize that he is not 100% to blame for this. You lost yourself in your marriage and I'm guessing he did the same. I'm guessing that when you married him, you were looking for a person that would provide you with a certain type of securtiy. Not that blame is important. Learning lessons from your mistakes is important. I know exactly what you're going through and I've thought about this situation a lot. Here are the conclusions I reached for myself. Your child will most likely be a lot like you are or marry somebody a lot like you are. Can you be the person that you want your child to be or to marry and stay in that marriage? We tend to repeat the mistakes our parents make. If you honestly think that you will be a better person outside of this marriage, then you will most likely be a better mom. I'm not saying that your child will not hurt when your marriage ends. Consider that your marriage will serve as a template for your child's future marriage/relationships.

One more thing, I spent a lot of time dealing with promises to change. Its very hard to change for somebody else. If he is not changing because he wants things to be different, what makes you think he won't change back?

Answer 7

Oh My God, i know just how you feel, i recently put on a question: Thinking of having an affair? Got a good response but unfortunately still messed up in the head. I am in a similar situation, I have been married for 9 years with 3 delightful daughters, but i no longer love my husband, i feel traped. I'm only 36 and crave the love and passion of a new man. i would like to talk to you some more about this. maybe we can come up with a resolution together. email me. bernie.

Answer 8

Whatever you do, don't stay married because of the child. You will both eventually resent each other, and the child will suffer because of that. Stay with him only if you love him and want to spend your life with him. No other reason is valid. If it's as you say, and you don't love him any more, then there isn't a reason to stay. Find someone you can love and (this is important) makes you happy. If you are not happy in your marriage and you don't love him, then the marriage is already dead.

Answer 9

If you are that unhappy, then you should leave. It sounds like he has issues of being left alone. Me and my ex had a 15 year relationship and everytime I tried to cut it off he begged me to stay. But he never wanted to do anything, did not like to travel and basically had nothing to talk about with me. Then we had a kid about 12 years ago. He drove her to school and did the necessary things, but never played with her. Hell he did not even try to teach her how to ride a bike. Now I am married and my husband and I travel, we go to dinner and have long talks, we do so much together that I can't imagine why I stayed for so long with my boyfriend. Your husband does not want to be alone. My ex even told me that he just did not want to be alone since we had been together since high school. But I had to follow my heart and I did. And now I have been married for 4 years with a wonderful 2 year old little girl. And yes, the marriage has its ups and downs but I try and look at the big picture. If I would have continued to be with my ex, I would have been miserable. Follow your heart and your dreams. You already know what to do.

Answer 10

1st of all personally I dont think that staying together with somone for the sake of the kids is ever a good idea. The kid comes from you and him and just because you both don't love eachother anymore doesn't mean you don't you dont love you child. You need to make him/her that understand that first, secondly I think that you should do what your heart tells you to, if you feel like you can do more for yourself and you child alone, then do it, and if you feel like you need him in your life to succeed then stay. Whatever the case keep your head up high and pray life always gets a little easyer when you pray! GOOD LUCK..GOD BLESS!!