Am I expecting too much?

Question

My gf and I had a preemie in July and were able to bring the baby home in August. My gf was up and about a week after giving birth but now that the baby home all she does is sleep. I'm at work all day and when i come home i help with the baby. i had expected her to tidy up around the house but now expect nothing except for her to take care of the baby. So her only responsiblity is to make sure that the baby is taken care of in all aspects. (ie: food, clothing, bathing, diapers). I come home and make her dinner, vacum, clean house, clean kitchen (she helps clean the kitches sometimes) and help out with the baby. Am i out of line to be upset if the baby runs out of diapers, low on wipes, she leaves me with not enough milk to feed him while shes gone, she yelled at the baby to shut up cause he was crying and she was tired (only once)?????????? I know that taking care of the baby alone is a HUGE job and do give credit for it.

i leave to work and she is sleeping, i come home for lunch and she is sleeping, sometimes i come home from work and she is still asleep. I dont know if she is lazy or if her job is really that tough. i know women have done and continue to do it til this day. women even do it on their own, with jobs, and other children?? am i out of line to expect more or nothing less than 100% of her effort in taking care of the baby?? i just want him to have, diapers, wipes, clean clothes, to be fed when hungry, and the basics. even if it means just asking me to go to the store to get these items. i also participate and offer to participate even more if she cant do it. please let me know what i should do and if im out of line.

she isnt depressed. or at least thats what she tells me when i tell her that something can be wrong. she tells me that everybody is like this the first few months. its continual. keep in mind the baby was in the hospital for a month so she had that time to recover her physical health.

not sure if this adds to the question but she will also leave with the baby and not let me know where she is or if plans have changed. for like 5 hours.

she also invited her ex bf over to my apartment while i was gone at work


i dont think she is cheating and dont believe that the two have anything to do with each other theyre just two other things that contribute to me questioning what the hell is going on. and she is not horrible or from a horrible family. she is a great girl who you probably would make your friend as well. i also encourage her to get out and have fun too.

Answer 1

Taking care of the baby is first priority. But also telling the baby to shut up because he was crying isn't good at all. Your baby will cry if it needs something- diaper change, food, attention, etc. Sounds like your gf is too focused on herself right now. I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. Let her know that you need to know if there is something that's running out-like diapers, etc. so you can get some more before it's too late. Just tell her how you feel, and ask her to compromise with you. I stay at home most of the time with my son, and I also try to tidy our house. In the beginning it was too hard to get anything done- even a shower for myself- our son was very colicky, and would cry non-stop so I had to constantly hold him and rock him. now that he is older, and takes an hour or two nap twice a day, I have that time to take a nap the first time, then clean the next time. Or I'll put him in the room that i'm in and clean that room a little if I can. Now, your gf could be doing this if she doesn't have any time to herself too... try to make sure she has a little time to herself, to shower, take a bath, relax, whatever it may be... set that time each day, and maybe that will help.

And keep in mind, not every day will she be able to get a chore done in the house... I try to each day, but some days, my son is too fussy that I can't do anything until my partner comes home.

Goodluck, and please talk to her!

you sound like a great Dad! No, I do not think you are asking too much at all when you want her to let you know if the baby's diapers, wipes, food, is running out!!!! And does she sleep at night? Because if not, that could be why she sleeps all day.... she should try to sleep as much as possible at night, and one nap during the day.... but not all day, and definitely not put her needs before the baby's. I have to wait to take showers until my husband comes home sometimes because I don't have time during the day- because I make sure my baby is taken care of 1st!

Answer 2

She could be depressed. Most women don't want to admit that being a new mom is tough on them. I know when I had my second son, I had some problems adjusting, and eventually had to be put on medication. I slept alot, but it felt like I hadn't slept at all. It's very tiring work. And really, it's great that you help out, some husbands don't at all. It is hard tidying up sometimes, babies don't always cooperate. But, if you have him when you get home, she could tidy up then. It would also give her a little break to calm down(if he's been fussy).

Just try to be as patient as you can. Maybe, if she's having problems, she'll tell you. But some women(not many, but SOME), take having a baby as a pass from doing other work. I felt like crap the 6 weeks I wasn't allowed to lift/clean much. My husband works 8-12 hours a day, and he shouldn't have to do everything once he gets home. When he gets home, if I've had a rough day, I go do something to relax while he spends time with the baby. Then, if it needs it, I tidy up the house. If the baby goes to sleep, my husband helps me.

But to answer your question. You're not out of line to expect there to be enough wipes,diapers, and milk to take care of him while she's gone. Even when I would just go in the other room, I made sure everything he needed was there.

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your little man.

Answer 3

First of all I do not think you are out of line or expecting too much from her.
Second, it really sounds as if she may be suffering from post-partum depression. Even though she may not feel depressed the other signs are sleeping (fatigue) and not bonding with the baby. If she allows wipe, diapers, etc, to run out she is not concerned with the overall well being of the baby. Take he to a doctor. Talk to them about both your concerns and ask for help. The medicines they use are safe even if she is breastfeeding. And if that is the problem in about one weeks time you will notice a different girlfriend.
Also try to talk to her. Tell her your feelings and thoughts. I applaud you for knowing that taking care of a baby is a lot of work and there will be days that the house won't get cleaned, or dinner won't get cooked. Some days you just feel overwhelmed. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

She is probably overwhelmed or has post partum depressing maybe. It is a hard job, but I dont think people will sleep that much. There is too much to be done. I have 3 kids and one on the way ( my 3rd was a preemie) and I am constantly on the go and always have been since the first baby. I dont work, just stay with the kids. Even if she says she is not depressed. she really could be.

Answer 5

It sounds a lot like post partum. She may be overwhelmed with being a new mother- which is upsetting considering she is missing out on something amazing.
Be gentle with her and tell her you want her to talk to someone. Point out the obvious things that you stated above about the baby being clothed, fed, and nutured.
Don't yell it only makes a depressed woman feel even more inadequate, she hasn't had time to really bond with the child yet with it being in the hospital and all. Maternal love isnt always instant.

Keep being a great dad.

Answer 6

I don't feel that you are expecting too much. I also had a premature baby, but that doesn't really make a difference. I mean if the baby is normal with no special needs, then it shouldn't really matter. What is happening is she is milking you for all it's worth. I mean it was okay the first couple of months but it's going on 4 now, so you need to buck up and tell her she has other responsibilities and with that baby so small it is actually easier now than it will be later. And there is no excuse for that baby to be running out of anything!

Answer 7

It is a HUGE job and if it's her first she probably feels very overwhelmed. I am 20 and have a four month old...I had a fairly easy delivery but the recovery was long. I didn;t realize how much it had drained me and all I wanted to do was sleep. Thankfully I had people to help out the first few weeks. Your GF may have a bit of postpardum depression that she may need to talk to her doctor about....Dont get mad at her about running out of wipes or milk etc....She has to think of so many things each and every second that she forgets half of them. Just give her a few months to get used to being a mommy and help out as much as you can. One good rule is...while the baby is little, dont obsess about housework...the house will never grow to love you for all the time you spend caring for it, but a baby will..just remeber that and in a few months you guys will feel more like yourselves. Congratulations and good luck!

Answer 8

I cannot be sure but I am a nurse and I believe that she may be suffering from post partum depression. You have to remember that this is a major changing point for her in which she has to get accustomed to her changing hormones and body.

A pre-mature baby can also contribute to this illness because of the extreme anxiety she went through during that period, she may be blaming herself secretly for that happening to the baby.

Also, was the pregnancy unplanned? If so, remember she is adjusting to a new lifestyle.

You should notify your health care provider since it is affecting her normal health and could contribute to an unhappy and unstable home.

You can also call the National Association of Postpartum Care Services at (800) 45-DOULA

It may or may not be post partum either way your family needs you. Try the above number, somebody will be there to help you.

Answer 9

This is a real toughy...my guess is that no matter what she says she is depressed. She is in denial about her depression though....I am not too sure how to fix it if she won't at least admit it. All moms get frusterated....the shut up thing is not a good thing but I would not worry too much about it....unless it is a repeated thing over and over

There are so many dumb questions on here that my brain is on over load for this one....lol.

Help her and support her in every way that you can. Get her to a doctor. And if for some reason you can't get thru to her you might want to try spliting up from her for a little bit to show her what she would be missing out on if she doesn't start doing better around the house. Enforce that you love her and you don't want to split up , but if you have to do it adn make sure your boy is with you because if she is off balance she might unintentionally hurt him. I am sorry for your situation and I hope it works out for you quickly and well. God Bless the 3 of you!!

Answer 10

after going threw a thing like giving birth a women can fall into depression. This sounds like what is going on. I suggest talking to her about how she feels. Ask her if she feels depressed. Be sensative. I would think that by now she would be doing more around the house. But everyone heals different. And a baby is hard to take care of, but not that hard.