Getting a 13 year old girl to listen.?

Question

How can I get my 13 year old daughter to be more considerate of her brother and my feelings. She is always fighting with him and calling him names. She does not care if she hurts his feelings and laughs when he tells her she does. Her brother is not much smaller than she is and i am concerned that they may really hurt one another physically. we have stairs and i am worried that one day one of them will push the other down them when fighting. I have told her I will take her to the police for abuse and she just says "whatever, it wont bother me if I go to jail" She has never been this rude and we are having a hard time trying to find the right punishment for her age. She does not have a cell phone, she does not get on the internet for fun, she does not have a gaming system or t.v in her room. Nothing to take away except her freedom to go outside and family time.Somebody please help me before it gets any worse. Any 13 yr. old girls , I would welcome your answers too.

After thinking about, telling her I will take her the police was harsh. I wont do that again.Also I do punish her brother, who is 9, when he starts with her. I let them go at hoping they will stop on their own and when they don't and it starts getting too violent I step in and send them to their rooms. Also I have a 3 yr old daughter that witnesses this behavior and gets upset. Thanks to all who have answered, it is a big help to me. Please keep them coming.

After thinking about, telling her I will take her the police was harsh. I wont do that again.Also I do punish her brother, who is 9, when he starts with her. I let them go at hoping they will stop on their own and when they don't and it starts getting too violent I step in and send them to their rooms. Also I have a 3 yr old daughter that witnesses this behavior and gets upset. Thanks to all who have answered, it is a big help to me. Please keep them coming.

Answer 1

For a start, how old is her brother? And does HE show HER any respect, or consideration? It may well be that if he's younger, you're not concentrating on whether he's starting the arguments or not, and your daughter may be becoming a scapegoat for situations he's caused in the first place simpler for being older, and therefore ostensibly more responsible. He seems to be giving as good as he's getting, so maybe you should look into this. If she's not showing respect, you need to think about whether she's learning this from her surroundings - it's possible that she may be being bullied at school, and that she's taking out her fear and hurt on her family. You need to make sure that you respect her too - if she's done nothing wrong, allow her to have time out with friends, and give her small priviledges to show that you trust her.

I think you need to be more understanding of her - sibling rivalry happens in every family and household, and there's nothing you can really do about it except ignoring it. Trivial arguments, like those over the remote control or possession of the computer will always happen, and it's very difficult to figure out who started the argument in the first place. By ignoring the pair of them, they will eventually come to a conclusion and will settle down. More serious arguments should be abruptly halted with the minimum of fuss possible, to prevent things from getting nasty. Try not to take sides, but call one or the other away to tidy their bedroom/help with cooking/turn off the TV etc to put a stop to the argument. I know you said that there is nothing to take away from her as a punishment, but time with friends is valuable to teenagers, and grounding her will be effective.

It sounds as though your relationship with her is strained, and you need to get things back on track - teenagers look up to their parents to provide support and love, and you need to show her that you are capable of this. One weekend go out for the day, just the two of you and go clothes shopping, have your nails done, go out for dinner at a snazzy restaurant. When there is the proper amount of respect shown between the two of you, you will both be much happier.

Hope I've been able to help! Best wishes to you and your family.

Answer 2

Maybe there is something else going on with her and this is how she is dealing with it. We have always had a very strict "no hitting" rule in our house. Talk with your son, find out how this is affecting him. Ask if he has any ideas about how/when it started. Open up the lines of communication first between you and your son, then between you and your daughter. I would recommend starting with grounding her - not just to punish her but to bring resolution to this matter. Use this grounding as a time to spend some quality time talking with her, most girls do care if they go to jail. If things do not improve, contact a local family counseling center. Make resolving this a priority, so you don't have to deal with consequences involving the stairs or something worse.
Best wishes to you, it's a hard spot to be in.
Additional after your add
on the other hand you are "waiting" to see if they will stop????!!! THIS IS WRONG!!
You are the adult.
Stop acting like an innocent bystander.
This is not a WWF match.
Take Control of the situation IMMEDIATELY.
What exactly is it... that you are "waiting" for?

Answer 3

Start treating her the exact way she treats you! And stop doing things for her. My youngest daughter did the same thing. For a while it appeared as though she thought she was a goddess and we were her slaves. So we started talking to her the same way she talked to us. I stopped giving her money and told her by law all I am required to provide for her is Food and shelter and a couple changes of clothes, if she wants something more get a job!. I even refused to cook her meals or do her laundry, It only took a couple of weeks till she was crying and saying "I'm sorry" and she has been a wonderful daughter since then. This happened when she was 14. She is now 21 I shutter at the thought of what the past 7 yrs would have been like if we hadn't changed her attitude!

Tough love is the hardest love to give but the most benificial!

Answer 4

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Answer 5

I would so ground this child! I have a 12 year old daughter and every once in a while...we have that "I'm the parent / your the child talk". Teenagers are hard to raise. I can't tell you how many times I have appologized to my mother for ever being a teenager and causing her this much grief! Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and she isn't that bad of a teenager, but if you are going to threaten your child, then do it and follow thru with it...don't tell her you are going to call the cops when she knows you won't do it!

Answer 6

maybe the brother provokes such arguments and fights, i mean dont get me wrong but it may not be entirely her fault, your saying herAND her brother get into fights and your afraid that someone will push the other down the stairs, so dont punish only her for such behavior, talk to him and set the same rules for him to, thats what usually happens here, one getting plammed for something the other and or both of them do. maybe she feels your un fair to her and like the brother better, show here that you love them equally, and dont bring up the jail thing, thats a little overly dramatic for a 13 year old dont you think? and yes she wouldnt want to go to jail, she just says that so you will feel sorry for her, see, everything comes back to what it think is just jealousy of her brother, by the way im 14 with a brother who is 11, been thier!

Answer 7

Thats a hard one, because to be honest I was the same way and my mom never figured out what to do, I just grew out of it. But having been like that I can tell you what will most likely work. She is 13, that is no where near to old to ground to her room. She may tell you she doesn't care if you make her stay in there, but in reality she will, I did, but I refused to show it. As long as you are letting her out to use the restroom and eat, then there is nothing illegal or abusive about it. Please don't threaten her with the police, that is more likely to make her act out more because of anger. Do not let her talk to her friends on the phone and don't let her go to their house or for them to go to yours. She is your child and you have every right to tell her what to do until she is 18. When she fights with her brother don't let her get away with it. If they both hit eachother they both need to be punished even if he was defending himself. If she sees that he gets no punishment it will infuriate her 10 times more, me and my sisters used to get furious if the other one got away with it. Does she get allowance? Or have any money? When she calls names or curses you could make her put money in a jar, many people do this, or you could just take it away. If she can't behave properly then she doesn't deserve money to buy things she wants. As long as you provide her with necessities then she doesn't need anything.

Answer 8

Well... I'm 15, but anyway... at 13 I don't think that she will care if she hurts ur feelings or not, I mean she's 13, but in a few moths or years she'll get over it so... just get use, it won't last 4 ever trust me, and about ur son, he'll become a teenager 2, he'll know what she's going trug right now... so... there's not hing to worry about.

Good luck anyway!

Answer 9

you should ask around like to the police to see if there is a program for disturbed and out of control children and see if there is anything like boot camp, some type of discipline that maybe someone else may give to her. look in to that and give it a try it may work but you wont find out unless you try. best of luck

Answer 10

I think putting her in a program like a type of boot camp for out of control kids would help her to see what she has and appreciate it. Even counseling is good. She is 13 so i dont think making her do anything is wrong. You are her mom and she does not know what is best for her yet.