My friends husband just passed away this weekend. We used to be best friends but I moved away 6 years ago. We are still good friends and I want to do something for her. She has two children and now she is widowed. What should I send, what should I say?
2006-10-24 09:36:27 · 30 answers · asked by mysterious_qt 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Let her know you care and that you love and support her and will pray for her. MAybe a visit is in order.
2006-10-24 09:37:43 · answer #1 · answered by Jenyfer C 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your friend is "busy" right now dealing with the funeral and coping with the friends and family dropping by. She may feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done. If you are going to come to the funeral, you can help with the preparations or giving her some quiet time by taking care of the kids.
After the funeral, try to call her frequently and drop her a line, especially during the first few weeks and months after his death. That's when it hits widows the hardest. The flurry of activity immediately after the funeral has died down, and that is when she finally has time to really think about what has happened. That's when the full impact of the death will hit her. That would be a good time to drop in for a visit...when she is by herself and starting to feel lonely. There may be some things to be done at that time you can help with...things like clearing out her husband's things (which is terribly hard), contacting insurance companies, etc. You could be immensely helpful at that time.
2006-10-24 16:53:11 · answer #2 · answered by kathy_is_a_nurse 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion is to wait a few weeks. The first week or two, she will be flooded with calls, cards, offers to help...when those start to slow down is, in my opinion, the hardest time, when things really start to hit you, and you are starting to get into the routine of living without the loved one. This is a good time to offer support.
Send a card that tells her some things about him, if you knew him - some funny stories you remember about him, or what you liked about him, things like that. If you didn't know him just tell her how sorry you are and that you are thinking of her. It doesn't matter a whole lot what the card says, it matters that you sent one.
Depending on the cause of death you might want to make a memorial contribution (for example to the American Cancer Society, if he died of cancer) in his honor.
I don't recommend saying "if there's anything I can do, let me know," because so many people say this, and it puts the ball in her court as to what to ask you for. I think it's a better idea to make some specific offers...i.e., "I'd like to cook dinner for you some night...here are the nights I have free, let me know which is best." or "Enclosed is a phone card - please use it to call me anytime day or night that you want someone to talk to."
Good luck and God bless you and your friend.
p.s. the worst possible thing you could say is "you'll marry again someday" or "marry someone else." She's grieving him as the person he was, not just the role he filled.
2006-10-24 16:43:13 · answer #3 · answered by LisaT 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you are sorry for her loss and offer to help take care of anything she needs. She may not know what she needs, other than an ear and a shoulder, but offer to help her.
I usually ask the funeral director whether the family has asked for donations or will accept flowers. It saves a conversation with the bereaved that they might not feel like having.
Good luck to you. I am sure you are a good friend to her, and the depth of the friendship will come right back when the two of you start talking.
2006-10-24 16:41:19 · answer #4 · answered by Buffy Summers 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Contact a local bank in her area about setting up a trust fund for the kids. Maybe contact some other mutual friends about making a combined donation. You could maybe contact a local grocery in her area and instead of a trust fund, see about gift cards for groceries, so that is one less expense she has to be worried about for at least a little while. Of course send her a card, or as soon as you can go and see her to show your support.
2006-10-24 16:46:53 · answer #5 · answered by nanners040477 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Call now - but then in a week a two, when the funeral is over and she is probably realising how difference her life will be - seeing the gap (lonely) - go and visit her. Stay for a few days and just keep her company, and help her to start resuming her life.
2006-10-24 16:41:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ask her if you can do something, tell her what you are going to do. For example, take her car in for a tune up and a detail, or make plans for the two of you to go out and set up a sitter. If there is a task her husband used to do that she is too overwhelmed with, take care of it. Make sure you call her, don't wait for her to call and ask for something, she may never call feeling guilty asking for so much help.
2006-10-24 16:42:47 · answer #7 · answered by cschultz28 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do something to make things easier for her, cook a meal or two and take it over to her place. Offer to watch the kids while she has to deal with lawyers and estate matters. Clean her house for her. Any of the regular stuff that needs to be done but is so hard to deal with when you have had such a loss.
2006-10-24 16:46:53 · answer #8 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a simple card to let her know you are thinking of her and that you are available is all.
After some time has passed, you could send (I did this for my girlfriend who's husband hanged himself)... You could send her some stuff for her, candles, a soothing bath soak with calming herbs and oils, a cd with calm music to soothe her to sleep.
My hunch was that getting through the day was far easier owing to distractions and that the night time was terribly difficult and lonely. I was correct. She appreciated the bath products and soothing music so much.
2006-10-24 16:40:01 · answer #9 · answered by NONAME 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best thing you can do for her right now is be there for her. If there is anything she needs help her out. help her take care of her kids, babysit them, do whatever it takes to make up for the 6 years you two have missed.
2006-10-24 16:47:07 · answer #10 · answered by julygirl_101 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Call her at least once a week, let her open up to you.
If possible, ask her to visit you for a few days, or vice versa. What she needs more than anything, probably, is to talk about him, his death, his illenss (if there was one) her view of her future etc. What she does NOT need is more flowers or pre-written sympathy cards.
2006-10-24 16:40:09 · answer #11 · answered by Clarkie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋