What are red flags that a guy will turn abusive?

Question

The guy I date is always saying to me that sometimes he thinks he's too nice and that he should be meaner.He says he wants to come off mean especially to inmates at the prison he works for so that he don't come off as being a wuss.When I ask him could he really be mean he always says yes he could;that he just doesn't show it around me or wouldn't ever be mean to me,just other peopIe.I have done alot of accident prone things and he has never cut me down and always asks if I am okay.When I met his family he held his mother's hand and joked around alot with his younger sister.It's just I have been married before and didn't see the signs that my ex would be emotionally abusive even though he was very disrespectful to his mother and always was cutting down his sister-in-law because of her weight.My boyfriend is always getting called by all 3 of his sisters and his mom and always jokes around with them when they call.Is he just talking?Should I go by what he really does and not what he says?

Answer 1

Potential signs of an abuser

1. Disrespects women.
2. Continuously calls you names or tells you that you are stupid/no good/ no other guy would put up with you
3. Is always right, even if you show him proof he is wrong
4. Says things like "I would never work for a dumb c*nt" "Women shouldn't be bosses" "Women shouldn't vote"
5. Destroy things when angry (punches walls, breaks items, etc.)
6. Is constantly accusing you of cheating, even with no good reason
7. Doesn't want you to work or go to school because other men will be there
8. Intentionally seperates you from your family and is disrespectful to them (or you)
9. Hates all your friends and won't "let you" hang out with them
10. Convinces you to quit your job, quit school, quit your family and quit your friends
11. Tells you how to think and gets angry if you disagree with his opinion.

I could go on and on. One or two of these things and I wouldn't worry, you start saying "sounds like my man" to a lot of them, I would worry.
It sounds to me that you have a great guy, I am sorry someone else hurt you, but don't make him pay for the other guys bad behavior, it isn't fair and you might be throwing away the best thing you ever had.

Answer 2

Sweetie, being mean just isn't in some guy's nature. For instance, the man that I am with now, his father was a prison guard, and he said the same thing, that he thinks he should be meaner. Just be careful, because they can turn on you at any time for any given reason. Just re-assure him that he is fine just the way he is and that you don't want him to be meaner. If he needs to be more assertive, tell him that, don't tell him to be meaner... it will only make things worse. I really would hope that he's just playing around with his family, my brother does that all the time, but he's never been abusive to anyone of us or to his wife or children.

I think go by what he really does, because men and women both have a tendency to over-exaggerate when we say things. Just be very careful and cautious, alright? And I hope everything turns out alright.

Have a good day!

Answer 3

thats a common concern for prison guards and people working in the prisons, its very tough to make the inmates respect you enough so that they dont try and like, kill you. if he has a good relationship with his mother and sisters, chances are he's not an abusive guy. most of the men who are abused do things like your ex - disrespect their mothers, mean to people and animals for no reason, short tempers. Just look and see how he treats the other women in his family - thats always a good indicator.

Answer 4

I do not think that you need to worry about him wanting to be more tuff at work. In that line of work you need to seem mean for the inmates to take you seriously.
Very much of the time you can tell how a guy will treat you by the way he treats his mom and sisters. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you should still be aware. If it gets to the point that he is telling you all your friends are bad for you and you shouldn't hang out with them and basically makes it where you are totally dependent on him then I would start to question things. That is what happened to me. GOOD LUCK! But don't punish him for another guys mistakes! :)

Answer 5

How he treats other women is a good guide. Some of the early steps to abuse are isolating the victim- does he get mad if you see your family and friends?- controlling behavior--does he try and tell you what to wear and call you just to check up on your activities? It sounds like he's just worried about being the next victim if there's trouble at the prison.

Answer 6

You can always tell how he will treat you by the way he treats his mother (and sisters). Sounds like a great guy to me. If he has a great relationship with them, then he knows how to belong in a relationship and the give and take that is required to keep a successfull relationship in tact. Hold on to him...there's not too many out there like him.

Answer 7

If a man openly disrespects women (especially their mothers) that is a sign of trouble. If he critisizes every thing you do, if he wants to "dictate" what you do and how to do it, if he constantly "instructus" you on doing things you already know how to do (like laundry) if he insists on you doing everything HIS way, if you play a game (such as monopoly/clue/sorry) and he doesn't win he never wants to play again. If he doesn't want you seeing your friends any longer/tells you your friends are a bad influence on you. If he can't take critisizim himself.

Answer 8

LET HIM GROW UP AND COME BACK IN A FEW YEARS .
SEND HIM BACK TO HIS MAMA