Would like your honest opinion if you have the time? Poem about my daughter?

Question

In my mind I think of her,
A soldier standing alone
Rifle by her side.
Wind blowing sand and dirt
Around her pretty face
Her light brown hair whipping about
My daughter the Marine.
It does not seem that long ago
A young girl full of pride and optimism
Signed the line to be one of America’s few
She became one of America’s proud
She did her very best, became the very best.
She stood tall in the worst of times.
Her body and mind fighting fatigue
Some of those times with
Tears rolling down her cheeks.
I think war does that
To the strongest of all of us.
Even to My daughter the Marine.
At home I cry
I admit I’m scared
Scared for her, scared for me.
I miss her, I miss our talks.
Now everything is “classified”
Or “You don’t want to know….”
And maybe I don’t
My daughter has changed.
In good ways…
She has matured in ways
I never thought she would
And bad…she is bitter
My daughter the Marine.
She hates the media
As far as she is concerned
She is just doing her job
And she wants to be left alone
Nevertheless you can see the hurt in her eyes
In her demeanor, in her spirit.
She will not be “re-upping”
She’s tired
My daughter the Marine
For the few who are ignorant
Who base their opinions on what is trendy.
There are still those who understand
Who are not ignorant
Who base their decisions on information
And well thought-out ideas.
I need not agree with the war
To support America, to support our soldiers
To hurt for our country…
To cry for our soldiers.
Just like My daughter the Marine.
It is my duty to look a little deeper.
A little deeper at my daughter.
Yes, she has changed
However, the fundamentals never will.
Watch her when the pledge
Of allegiance is spoken
You will find she stand straighter
Than any person in the room.
When the Star Spangled banner is sung
You will hear her voice sing louder,
Above all others.
She loves this country.
She has shown me by
Serving through blood, sweat and tears.
By volunteering six years of her life to protect me.
You may not consider her great.
And the world knows little of its greatest heroes…
Tonight I honor and salute my hero
My daughter the Marine.

It was mentioned above that it reads more like prose and they are correct. I am working on presenting this as a piece of prose to a group of peers this weekend, therefore, "tonight" I salute...

Answer 1

It sounds like you have strong emotions about your daughter, your country, and this war.

This poem seems like a great place to explore those emotions and begin to express them.

It reads like a beginner's poem - on a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate it around 2 or 3, maybe higher, because there seems to be some very rich material in there somewhere, but it doesn't seem to come out in a way that evokes the same emotions it describes.

If you wanted to take it up a notch or two, I would suggest taking a creative writing class and reading a lot of poetry.

Answer 2

Way too long, for starters. Also, it reads more like a letter or a statement and doesn't really have any "iambic pentameter" which is basically the tempo used for poetry. (you can look it up if you want.)
Also, it lacks atmosphere for the reader to immerse him/herself in; not enough descriptive words, but simply you going down memory lane. We realize you're proud of your daughter, but most readers aren't going to be moved by this. It's a bit stilted as well.
I give it a 3.5 on a scale of ten. Your local newspaper, if you live in a real small town, might print it, though.

Answer 3

Semper Fi!

I once offered my life for my country. I know where she is. She is sacrificing herself so that others may be free. Though I don't believe in War any more, I believe in honoring those who fight for our freedom. What I don't like is the reason we are at war. There is a struggle throughout time against oppression, agression and terrorism. There is a song by Joan Baez - One Tin Soldier...

So, I ask this... Can we have peace? Can there be people who sit on a Gold Mine who can just choose to not mine it without outsiders wanting to come and put their greedy hands upon it?

I, myself, can not stand idle while someone is looting my storehouse (though I am not materialistic - it is the representation of the idea that someone can infringe upon my rights)

Answer 4

This is truly a wonderful poem; war changes everything, causes suffering from every perspective. As for advice for your poem, perhaps use indentation and spacing, breaking up "ideas" to interact with the reader on an even more personal level. Thank you for sharing.

Answer 5

Made me tear up. May God bring your daughter home safely to you, and thank her for Dawn Smith-Thornton who lives in PA with two young daughters herself. We owe her a lot whether we believe in this war or not.

Answer 6

After the first few lines I stopped reading. No I know poetry i work in a bookshop, I go into book shops to buy poetry books I am a memeber of a poetry book library. This was not good poetry it was'nt poetry.
Thats all

Answer 7

Awe.. That was so cute. It kind of reminds me more of prose instead of poetry though, like it should be in one big paragraph. But very well done!

Answer 8

Please ignore anybody who says anything negative about what you have written. It may be "poetry", it may be "prose", but either way you have expressed your thoughts, feelings, and emotions in a very clear and touching way, and all you need to worry about it how YOU feel about it.

Answer 9

Beautiful. Your love for her is evident...I hope you'll send her a copy. I'm from Canada but I'm grateful for her service just the same.
Take care.

Answer 10

let me put in this way ok i say is good but what do you mean
by tonight i honor and salutemy hero my daughter the marine