Should I forgive an Affair?

Question

I recently found out what I had expected for the last year. That my fiance whom I have a child with and been together with for the last 5 years had been having an affair with a guy she used to work with. She claims that it is over between them and that I am the one she wants to be with forever. 6 months ago she wanted to leave and get her own place, we worked things out only for me to find this out now. Her own place was going to be paid for by this other guy, who is married, with 2 kids, one just born recently. I am at a loss on what to do, I love her but am scared of being hurt again. Should I forgive and forget knowing what they have done together? Should I put him through the same stuff he has put me through over the last year by letting his wife know what is going on? He came off as a friend to the family, we have done our kids bday parties together so that just makes it worse. Knowing the two of them were sneaking around behind my back. Please advise. Thank you.

Answer 1

No. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. She's not mature enough to handle being married. I'm sorry. I know you love her, and I know you made a baby together, but she can't handle it. Tell her it's over, offer to pay child support, and be careful with who you make a baby with next time. Your a man sweetheart, use your logic to think this one out...

Answer 2

no go with the old saying of 2 wrongs don't make a right . you are the bigger person. She is stupid for 1 by getting together with a married man with a family. IS SHE CRAZY?! Once a cheater always a cheater. you should leave and yes you do have a child but you need to go file for child support and custody even if it is joint. if you stay it may turn out for the worst and your child will see nothing but the parent's fighting all the time. I would tell his wife to get back at both of them only after or just as you have situated yourself with a new place and all. sorry to hear about the situation:(

Answer 3

Tell you fiance that you understand and that you want to work it out. However, you have no attachment to this man and need to feel that she is 100% on your side now.

Now for part two: Tell your fiance that you feel you need a sense of closure on this so you want both of you to tell the wife, of the other man, of the affair and that you want a paternity test to confirm who the father is to her daughter AND for her to get check for STDs because if this man cheated on his wife with you then who know who else he's cheated with. The point is to close the door on the past and also let her know that her behavior requires some major repair work on her side. Her actions caused pain and she needs to see how many people she hurt. If she's not willing to pay the price then tell her fine, but your letting the wife know any way because you still need that sense of closure.

Think of it this way, the sooner the wife know the sooner they can truly work on their marriage. You're helping them out in the long run. If they stay together or not is their decision, just like it was his to cheat or not. Don't take away this great chance of personal growth from them!!! Plus it will feel so good to get back at the jerk.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, your faith in her will not come back soon. Don't try hurting anyone else, it won't make matters better. Just make up your mind on if you want to still stay with her which won't be easy after the trust is gone. Things will happen to both of them without your spearheading any of it because of the things they have done to others including you. Just decide where your happiness will stem from and go from there.

Answer 5

I think you need to spend some time on your own...at least enough to make sense of all that has happened, and needs to happen.
This time will give you a chance to really figure things out, with a clearer mind, you will be able to make a better choice.
Remember, that whatever decision you make,it should be something that you have thought through, and are able to live with regardless of the outcome.

Answer 6

Ya know what...actions speak louder than words. I say forgive (this part is for you) but let her actions show you if you should stay or not. Is she remorseful? Has she acknowledged that pain she has caused you? Is she trying to make ammends?
I wouldn't tell the other guys wife, she just had a baby and probably knows anyways.

Answer 7

use your common sense! who else does she want to be with forever?....... you will never forget and it will take it's toll on you....the trust is out the window .... their is no marriage without trust! How can she put the health of a child in danger? this other woman was pregnant and having sex with her husband and unbeknown-st to her ...she was also exposed to what ever infections you and your wife had at that time.( and you them) it just dont come off with soap and water.... and what if your wife got pregnant? then everyones life would be turned upside down......it could still happen!

Answer 8

i can only speak for myself, but i wouldn't even think twice about leaving. i have a strong pet peeve that if i found out any woman i was dating cheated on me, it would be over. that i cannot forgive. i know you love her from being with her and having a child, but if she's cheating on you already with someone you know, then that shows she doesn't have much respect for you. why stay with her and go through that pain of knowing she cheated and may do it again? it is so hard when children are involved, but you can always see your kids with joint custody. cut her loose now and the pain will eventually subside, especially when you find someone who will be faithful.

Answer 9

take a break. it sounds like a bad situation. your friend has a missing moral compass--otherwise she wouldn't cheat on you with a married man. You have to decide if you want a temporary remission--or do you want a cure. If the answer is CURE, then I suggest you two go in for couples therapy. If she is unwilling, she is telling you loud and clear she does not want to repair the damage she has caused and accept responsiibility. If you jsut want things to be "alright" for now, say and do nothing. But be warned, she will hurt you AGAIN!

Answer 10

knowing the sneaky way it all went down, and the plotting and planning would be enough to make me avoid taking her back. she claims it is over, must be trouble in paradise, but how will you feel the next time when she does it again. she wants you back because it did not work out with him, sometimes we love someone and we don't set boundaries with them, so they run all over us, and use our good heart against us.we don't set boundaries because we fear being abandoned, so we take on alot more than what we should, we forgive things we shouldn't forgive. it did not work out for them so she wants you again, and you are overjoyed she picked you, you think it's because she really loves you and wants you, but it's just because things aren't working out as she expected, i would move on.