I need your advice!?

Question

I have been married for 7 years, we got married young (22yrs. old) 2 years ago my husband had an affair and I agreed to stay with him. Now 2 years later I still cant get over it, I see her all of the time driving her car. I lost all of my cofidence and faith. We argue alot just about everything. He told me today that hes sick of me always trying to accuse him of stuff. He says it's not going to work out because I can't forget about what happened. He says that Im making him hate me. The problem with him is he does somethng wrong and he doesnt like talking about it he just wants to sweep it under the carpet and put it behind and expect me to do the same. The thing with him is hes never wrong always finds my faults and doesnt look at his part.
I love my husband but I can't do this anymore. We have 2 kids together. I don't know what to do........

Answer 1

Okay, it is like this. When a spouse cheats on you, it kills things inside of you. Trust, confidence, security, self respect, hope, joy and sometimes love. These are a lot of things to get back in two years. Think about how long it took you to build that stuff up in the beginning. When someone cheats on you it is like experiencing the death of a loved one. The person you used to know, the one who would never step on you or devastate you in any way suddenly does and you have to live with it. It is like an emotional atomic bomb. When an atomic bomb is set off, it takes a lot of time and serious care to repair the damage. The same for trust, love, and respect that has been shattered. It takes lots of time to recover from that. You are not the one to blame here. He is. He is the one who went outside of the marriage. He was the one who lied (because to pull something like that off, there are always a lot of lies) and cheated. You stayed faithful, even when you guys were going through problems. What gives him the right to share the body that belongs to you with someone else? That sharing is sacred. He gave away things that should have only gone to you. That special smile he has when he is doing the wooing, those kisses, those touches...those are yours. He gave it to someone who has not been there for him the way you have. That is just wrong. He was the one who cheated, he is the one who needs to make it right. No matter how long it takes. He should not be the one to get angry. This is the bed he has made and this is the bed he has to lie in if he wants to get the marriage back on track. He cannot tell you when or how to get over the atomic bomb he set loose in your life. It does not matter that he only did it once; it is the fact that he did it. Period. It is hard not to be suspicious of someone who stabs you in the back with a 12 inch hunting knife and that is what he did. If he had really picked up a knife and stabbed you with it, he or others would not tell you to just get over it. Well that is what he did to you figuratively. It is easier to place the blame on the innocent party when you have wronged someone. It stops you from having to look at yourself. It stops you from having to take responsibility. That is what he is doing. He should be apologizing every day, even after you tell him to stop, he still should apologize until he knows you get how sorry he is. Until you know that he really understands the devastation he has caused. He should be living his life like an open book. He should allow you to go through his e-mails and personal items if that is what it takes to prove to you that he is being faithful. He should tell you where he is going and be there if you call. Whatever it takes as long as it takes to make up for what he did. He should be spending the rest of his life making feel like you can always trust him. This is what he caused, not you. He was the one that went outside the marriage, not you. He is the one who needs to do the making up. I urge you to go to www.marriagebuilders.com and read the articles about rebuilding a marriage after infidelity. You both should read the information there together. There is still hope for your relationship, but there will be hard work and a lot of honesty on both sides. I wish you the best. :-)

Answer 2

Me and you are in the same boat...My husband had an affair on me for almost a whole year behind my back. I had suspision's but never had any hard evidence...But how I found out the girl called my job and told me..To make matter's worse she told me she was pregnant..But she said it was her husband's baby. I felt so betrayed and so upset..I couldn't think at that time. So I kicked him out..He tried to tell me the reason why she told me is cause he ended it with her and she got mad..whatever..

So to make a long story short... after 2 years I took him back..almost everyday all he would do is beg me to take him back and give him another chance...Since then we've had another child..But I tell you it haunt's me everyday too...wondering if he's being faithful or lieing..Or even wondering if that really is his kids and later in our life she'll try to contact us for a perternity test...

I have no trust in him..even though he's been different, But I'm afraid to let my guard down, and I think you have every right to feel that way. It's not gonna go away, just because...They always say once a cheater always a cheater, But I do belive that people will change. I am real strict on him... one thing I've learned when they get real mad and don't want to talk about hteir faults..they can't be trusted...Well I wish you the best good luck!!!

Answer 3

When you made the decision to stay with him then you should of realized that it was to also leave behind the fact that he did sleep with someone else.....
If there is always going to be that doubt in your mind and that hatred when you see the other woman, you just might need to reconsider your decision.
I understand there are kids involved but fighting all the time isn't much better of an atmosphere to raise them in. If he is honest enough to let you know that all this arguing is getting him to start hating you then you need to either stick with your decision and put the past in the past... or you need to move on and get a divorce.
The type of situation you are in can cause someone to hate their partner. You don't want that to happen. You have in fact tried to stay together and work out the mistakes that have happened. Many people will not do this anymore. Divorce comes to easy for them. I do give you props for that! But to make it work you have to sweep it under the rug, learn to live with the past, and get on with the future. If you cannot do that then there is no point in trying to fight a losing battle. If you love him then you need to talk to him. Get it out of your system. See if he can understand what you are going through and how its driving you crazy. (I have been cheated on before and I know the feeling). I couldn't get over it and I moved on. I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we have a 7 month old son. I wish you the best in your journeys.

Answer 4

First of all i give you props for staying with him! My thoughts on this is even if you take him back your relationship is shattered! How can you get that trust back? Ecspecially when you see the lady often it just brings back those memories, and for him to be turning it on you what a uncompassionate man! He should be kissing your feet and trying his hardest to be making things better. I think you need to do what you feel in your heart. Honestly, you deserve a guy that will treat you like the queen you are and not just toss you off to the side for an AFFAIR! Its absolutely horrible that now adays men think affairs are just casual and that everything will be ok. News flash men women have feelings believe it or not! Your kids will get through it, it will be tough for them but do not stay together for the kids! You don't need to put yourself through that just to make it better for the kids. And i'm sorry but the comment he makes that your making him hate you? Honestly if my husband ever said that to me i'd be gone! I hate when this happens because women just kick themselves down and down, like you said you lost all of your confidence! Dont let him do this to you! You deserve better and just go with whatever you truly feel. Like the saying goes once a cheater always a cheater, that may not be true in all of the cases but your husband sounds pretty much like he could go back to his ways cause he's hating you. Its tough when you think the person you love the most and trust the most hurts you this way, but everyone deserves another shot at life and here's yours. Good luck with making your decision!

Answer 5

Well Once you break trust in any relationship it is hard to trust again, no matter what they say, woman are sensitive that way they need to know they are wanted, and by your husband cheating i am sure that doesn't make you feel wanted or sexy..I think if you can't get over it stop wasting each others time, move on...Your children will be happy no matter what decisions the two of you make, but they don't need to see the fighting and arguing..Live your life for you and be happy I know it is hard to give up on all that time, but sounds like he did 2 years ago. So time to accept it and move on...It will get better.

Answer 6

Man are you living my life. Honey listen, if you chose to stay with him then you have to learn to forget as well as forgiving. He broke your trust and I know it's hard to deal with, but if you chose to stay in it, you gotta let it go. I just got divorced because I couldn't get over it. But this was several offenses not just one. The first time I decided to stay and I let it go. After the second and third, it wasn't so easy. Only you can make the decision of what you will and will not deal with. If you decide to keep him around, you gotta let the past go or it won't ever work. The one thing I did learn was not to let him destroy me and how I felt about myself. He is the one who had a problem. Not me. Take some time for you. Go out. Buy some new clothes. Get your hair done. There is nothing wrong with you. Get your confidence back

Answer 7

We were married for 6 years when my husband had his affair with a lady at his work. We were married at age 20/21. We tried to work it out thru a therapist, but the therapist(because of her own personal problems) ended up making things worse. We divorced after 8 years of marriage. We should have sought another therapist. Now, after years and years, I love him as if the day I met him at the altar. He loves me, too. But, life moved on, and so came another wife and another baby. My emotional state has never been the same. My son has suffered immensely. I would try to seek professional counseling. The grass is not greener on the other side. It is quite lonely, tedious, and depressing. Good luck.

Answer 8

The problem is that is something very serious. Just because you choose to stay with the man doesn't mean you'll never forget what happened. The fact that he cheated on you shows what kind of man he is. Would he liked if you did it to him? I mean marriage takes a lot of giving and recieving. That would be something hard to let go of. I don't fault you if you can't forgive him or maybe can't even trust him. Because if you can't trust your man then who can you trust. You need to seriously consider where the marriage is going. If you find yourself continuely not trusting your mate and can't put that out of your head then you need to consider what's the next step. Talk w/ him w/o arguing find out deep inside his heart and talk to him too that you can't forget this stuff and that it hurts. Talk things out!

Answer 9

In my opinion, you are both right, yes he had an affair, but has he given you any reason not to trust him since? There has to come a time when you forgive and forget. Not saying by any means that it was right, but we all make mistakes. On the other hand, you will always wonder if its gonna happen again, he needs to somewhat understand that too. You both need to sit down together and decide what your next steps are, if you can let it go, divorce may be it. I kept some things from my wife, and she was very hurt, but she has gotten past it and our relationship is pretty good now! Good luck!!!!

Answer 10

First of all; no affairs are permitted; ever. have you ever heard the saying f--- me once shame on you, f--- me twice shame on me? think about it. Now if you feel he may be cheating again you can always contact that tv show Cheaters and let them investigate. Or, ask him to take a lie detector test; that would resolve all your questions. As for the other women; remenber this; he came back to you. However; maybe that is because he could not afford to pay child support and make it on his own so now he is being extra careful. There is more walfare avail to women with childern than you can guess. how long you going to postpone the enevable?