Help me! My wife hits me, tells me she hates me, and threatens to leave me. What should I do?

Question

My wife has always been very loving. We met about 8 years ago, she moved to be near me about 2 weeks after we met. We fell in love the first time we met and have been together since that day. neither of us had a thing when we met financially and we have been through hard times. She has stuck with me through alot, and was always loving about it. The majority of the time she is now, but when we argue she demonstrates such incredible rage and says such hateful things and treats me like she honestly hates me. My fear is that while she loved me when she was younger (she was 20 when we met) that now as she is getting to her late twenties, she is seeing how much better her life could have been. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, and this is another factor that I think she is sick of. This past does not leave me emotionally prepared to loose the person I love and who's always been on my side. It is almost too emotionally hard to bare just my realizations.

Answer 1

To Survivor of child sexual abuse, from a well balanced, happy, loving, careing, person who also experience a childhood of sexual abuse. the difference between you and me is that I refused to by into the idea that some how it was my fault. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!! It was an action that was done to us , not by us. So in my book you are INNOCENT, as I am innocent. Let your self off the hook. You are an incredable person, you are sweet and kind, and I think you are adorable. Now I want you to say these things to yourself. I am adorable, I am kind, I am sweet, I love myself, I love my wife, I love my life Do not bring yesterday into today, and do not take today into tomorrow. Live this day moment by moment, A another way of looking at it is you don't own your neighbors car, so you wouldn't bring to you house, so don't bring your thoughts of abuse into today, leave them with who they belong the abusers. Realize that you are allowing the abuse to continue by bring it into your thoughts of today. You were a precious innocent child,now youi are a precious innocent adult, your wife is also an precious and innocent. I can feel the love you two have for each other, create more of that feeling between you both, and forget about your arguments. Sit down and write all the good things you know about your wife, and all the good things in your life right now and see how much better you feel. REMEMBER , IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, STOP FEEL GUILTY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IN FACT SAY THAT TO YOURSELF 10 TIMES A DAY OUT LOUD.
From a precious innocent survivor of child sexual abuse. BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Answer 2

I feel for you... why, I was in a similar relationship. I don't know if you have kids, but we do and that really complicated things. The answer is the same though, you need to get out.

You need to get away from her. She is blaming you for her own crap and making you into her personal scapegoat and punching. You can't help her. Only a professional can possibly do that, with her co-operation and effort. Things are only going to excalate and you could even be in serious danger. There are times, like when you are sleeping or she is feeding you, you are in serious danger.

Leave her. Stand up for yourself. She will respect you. She will probably then even want to get back together. Don't... until you have both gone to marriage counselling together. But she has to be honest with the counsellor. You probably would not do well to go to a counsellor until you move out, because a counsellor may decide it is necessary to call the authorities.

I know it is hard to think about leaving. But you must. Don't waste anymore time in this situation. You deserve better, no matter how she has made you feel about yourself. Okay? Really. Understand what she has already done to your headspace, what your earlier abuse did... but that is all just an illusion. You are as valuable and worthy a person as anyone else and deserve a loving, peaceful, supportive partner.

I'll keep my fingers crossed you can find the strength to do this. When you start moving out, don't give her any notice, and have friends/family there all the time while you move. She will be particularly beligerant at that time.

Peace!

Answer 3

You need to find out the root of her anger. Why is she having incredible rage? Why now? Is she holding something in?
Maybe you both should get some counseling soon. Go to the churches for free counseling.....it won't hurt.
Being sexually abused is difficult to deal with later as an adult. I know. I have a fear of being alone. I need to feel loved and needed. I don't trust men easy. If at all. So what has changed in 8 yrs.??? How could her life have been better? Was she just using you for companionship and money and love? Now is she ready to move on due to maturity? You can't make her stay. And you wouldn't want to settle for that either. Believe me, there are plenty of women out there. But if I were you, I would try to get help for her anger issues first. Good Luck...

Answer 4

Sounds like you both could use individual and couple therapy. There are much deeper issues goin on here. 1) Why has she become physically and verbally abusive....her issues 2) recovering from Child molestation...your issues 3) trying to figure out if staying together is the best for both of you.

Has this temperatment been in cycles? Loving for a few months then you guys stop getting along then you fight horribly, then you make up and things are fine for awhile. Threats of leaving each other. If you answer yes, then you both might be suffering from 'Love Addiction' read the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody

Answer 5

Don't allow her to hit you, or abuse you in anyway. If she is unhappy, she needs to step up and tell you right out.

I'm sorry that you had to endure abuse as a child, that is horrible. But, if it still affects you - you are giving power to the abuser. and you don't want that person to have the power to make you unhappy as an adult.

Seek counseling for yourself and also to find that core of strength you have inside. You don't want a wife that pities you, or thinks you are needy.

Get some help, set some rules - no hitting! And do not allow it - seriously. You don't deserve it and it will only escalate. If you get help you will feel stronger about facing either repairing the marriage or having to leave.

Answer 6

Your past experience (victim of child abuse) is nothing to do with your present life now! It certainly affect your marriage to certain point but you have to re-direct your energy, motivation and life!
Instead, you should not depend on your wife to make yourself a happy and stable person 1st place. She has changed through the years and becoming another person. It is not your fault but it is hers. Surely she helps you a lot to cope but like wise man says, you cant love someone until you love yourself first! At this point, you should tell yourself, there is nothing you could do about your past! Be prepared and learn to be independant. Get help from professionals/counselors both of you to cope with past experience, marriage (if she still want to change and married) or else go for divorce!
Goodluck.

Answer 7

Maybe the sexual abuse is getting old for her too and she's sick of hearing about it, life still goes on, but it's something that's with you forever, not something you have to always be talking about.

Sounds like she's not happy with you anymore and is trying to push you away. You just need to get to the bottom of what's up her ***... tell her to go stay in a hotel for a few days if she thinks she's missing something out there, she will find the grass isn't greener on the other side, you might have hit it rite, she feels like she's missing out on something because she never got to be a young adult and do what she wants to. I might regret that too.

Answer 8

Your wife is not right. You need to get help because the abuse isn't healthy. She's wrong and you guys need to go to counseling or leave her. Abuse from a woman is just as wrong as a man abusing his wife. So, you need to get yourself out of that relationship. There is no exuse for her acting as she does. You need to get yourself some help for your past. Good luck! and Don't stay there. There's not enough love in the world to allow someone to abuse you emotionaly or physically. Get yourself some help sweet heart.

Answer 9

First, ask her what's wrong and why the sudden change in attitude. If she is willing to open up to you then talk about her problem and seek ways to make it better. If this does not work maybe you both should seek counseling. Also, sometimes spouses treat each other mean when they are feeling guilty about something. Talk it out first.

Answer 10

You 2 needs to go to counseling cause there should be no reason for her acting in such a way.