She told me last night that she may not be made for a relationship and that she loves me but may not be IN love with me. She says that this cycle of destructive relationship has happened with all her past partners. It's not the first time that she's said this but she married me so I'm lost!!! Am I being taken for a fool? Is my life going to end up with me bouncing from her one extreme emotion to the next? Am I going to spend my life separating with her and getting back together over and over?
2006-10-24 04:08:46 · 12 answers · asked by GOSUN 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I was married for 17 yrs and I was not in love with my husband for 15 of those yrs.
Listen to her, go to counseling to see if you two can rekindle what you had. If not, move on it will be a miserable life for the both of you.
I am in love with my b/f now and it is the most beautiful thing you can experience with another adult.
2006-10-24 04:21:50 · answer #1 · answered by Bubbles 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a newly remarried guy, what I can tell you is that you don't want to be part of a cycle of "destructive relationships".
You need to decide what is acceptable behavior in your relationship with your wife and perhaps work with a counselor to get a more positive definition of what a healthy relationship requires to survive and then thrive.
With this in mind you will be in a position to offer her only one of two outcomes:
Either she sticks to the rules which make for a happy relationship and can result in the two of you falling in love again. Sticking to the rules for her will probably require that she evaluated both psychologically and medically to determine if medications are necessary, by the way, because without outside intervention and support the chances of her following through are effectively zero.
OR
She chooses to exit. If she chooses to exit, then she as an adult has made that decision, and you cannot control her, nor do you want to send the mixed message that the door is always open.
It is not, or you yourself will be trapped in her destructive cycle for much of the rest of your life.
(Pop me a reply if any of this doesn't make sense to you.)
2006-10-24 11:44:57 · answer #2 · answered by HeartSpeaker 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to take that kind of behavior from her - you are not a pawn. However, it sounds like she is scared of commitment.
Lots of people confuse the feeling of being "in love" with real love and long-term commitment. The feeling of being "in love" is merely infatuation and it never lasts - it comes and goes. Any long-lasting marriage is based on commitment, and communicating to each other what our needs are.
Lots of people base marriage solely on how good it will make them feel. I think this is part of the reason that so many people divorce nowadays - they think it's going to be like what they see in the movies - that is totally false. "In love" feelings will come and go, but if you love someone, you will make sacrifices and work on the relationship. Love is doing and action steps that show people we care.
She sounds confused and scared. Tell her that she will keep repeating the same mistakes over and over that from her past until she figures out WHY she is doing the same thing.
Ask yourself what you can do to make it better, and then ask her what she is willing to do to change - the two of you have to work on it together. Good luck to you.
2006-10-24 11:47:06 · answer #3 · answered by mrschrisc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uh-oh dude sounds like the end of another relationship, or maybe is she sending you signals about something else, i really believe you should ask her straight up ``what can i do to help, so that you don't feel like this`` take her to a cabin by the lake, build a fire show her you love here. You know all the pansy stuff we do when are guy friends aren't around well you got a whole lot of that to do....so i hope it works out and that was my opinion......ty
2006-10-24 11:16:16 · answer #4 · answered by dillutedjuice 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you don't stop the cycle, and you allow things to continue, your life may be that very cycle. I suggest couples counseling. If she isn't willing to try, then you need to go ahead and work through the fact that you need to move on. Either you're in this thing together, or you're not. Good luck.
2006-10-24 11:13:06 · answer #5 · answered by sassybree1979 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, calm down.
Women say lots of things, all the time. They think and plan out-loud, and sometimes this terrifies men, when the women are actually just considering their options.
If she wants to be there, she will. If she doesn't, she won't.
Keep your mouth shut and let her talk.
Then say: "I love you. I know you will make the right decision."
Then, wait for her to do something. She may be testing you verbally for years to come. Women battle with words and ideas, so don't get pulled into the fight. But if she wants to leave, she'll leave, and that's it, so accept it.
2006-10-24 11:16:52 · answer #6 · answered by papyrusbtl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you stay in a relationship that you described then yes you are a mug.
2006-10-24 11:55:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
find a relationship counsellor to determine what she is really trying to say, then make some decisions on the result...
2006-10-24 11:16:54 · answer #8 · answered by The walker 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She doesn't mean it...She is probly just going through some depressing times. Just forgive her and wait, things will be fine. She loves you.
2006-10-24 11:21:29 · answer #9 · answered by Ellyn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would make a decision and stick to it. good luck!
2006-10-24 11:25:28 · answer #10 · answered by supermomma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋