Leaving my ex, on sat, takin my 5 yr old daughter, we been together 10 yrs.?

Question

i have been wth my parner 10 yrs and at 1st was great but from wen my daughter was born i havent been happy, we have argued, split up, numerous times but i have always stayed because of my daughter, but few weeks ago her behaviour started to change while we were goin thru a bad patch, she wouldnt sleep, wouldnt go to school was very clingy towards me. I realised this was wen we were rowing (my partner will neva leave the arguement until she is out of the house)
i decided enough was enough, i didnt think i cud eva do it but i am leaving i am renting a flat i just i havent told my partner yet he gets very angry and i am soooo frightened by wat he will say in front of our daughter that im gona get her out of the house and either leave a letter so i can get out before he kicks off or tell him straight how it is.
He has told me that if i eva left he wud take her away and make my life hell, i know this wudnt happen as i am the carer and he works long hours just scared tho big style help

q was hows the right way to go about it concerning my daughter i only have her best interests at heart i wana protect her from this.

i will neva deny my daughter the right 2 see him she loves him as much as she loves me and i know he loves her too- i just dont want her in the middle of this mental abuse.
she will growup seein no wrong in her dad screaming at her mum for no reason.

Answer 1

Firstly congratulations, it can't be easy.

My mom did the same thing when i was little and believe me your doing the right thing. My mother hired a removal van to come when he was at work so he didn't have a clue we where moving out.

I would say that you should leave a letter. Make sure it is to the point and does not contain any accusations. Keep it simple and straight forward. Get a friend to read through it, to make sure all the emotion of the move is kept out. Keep to the facts of why you have to do it.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

Wow, This looks like a Big problem.

Do not rush into this. Speak to a lawyer. Plan ahead for your finances and where to live and your child's care when your working (you may already have that) If he is the child's father and you have been together 10 years, it sounds the same as a common law marriage. So he will have legal claims on his child.

All of the things you are going through are the reasons people should have premarital counseling to understand how challenging marriages and relationships are. I will say with the changes in your little girl, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. The fighting in the home is certainly effecting her.

You must see an attorney for a Child support claim and visitation even though your not married. Does being the "Carer" mean you don't work a job? How are you going to support yourself?

I can't say enough in secret "PLAN PLAN PLAN" Do not rush. Quietly See a Lawyer, make things legal in regard to your child and child support and visitation. Do you have a DNA test for the courts for verification of paternity? It doesn't sound like he would challenge it, but when things get UGLY and you must assume they will get NASTY,

BE PREPARED and have family or friends for support. When you get ready to move have friends lined up to help, but these must be people you can trust.

BE CAREFUL!! He defineitely sounds like he will very well be violent when you leave with his daughter.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Good luck in your new life.

Answer 3

This is so hard for you. I can totally relate. (You know if he is scary or may hit, you can have him removed - this is your and your daughter's home too. You do not have to leave.)

But otherwise, I suggest you do move out your daughter, her things, your things, and everything important to you and her first! Any important papers and documents you need to either take or copy! Anything! Even if you aren't sure why - he may make up something later and you can prove it with your copies - whatever it may be. Bank statements, bills, deeds, titles, his paychecks for the last year! (some men turn to working for cash so as not to have to pay child support or alimony - prove it with these)
Take weeks if you have to. Quietly move things out to your apartment each day until you have everything. Then when you can take the last few belongings in one car load -GO!
You can leave a note or call him later to work out visitation with the child! YOU HAVE TO try to do this or else it will look like you are taking her, which could end up you losing her! If he is not the type that you can trust alone with her, then talk with the police and an attorney. You can go to the court and file orders of protection if you have reason so he cannot have her - or at least not until court. (not sleeping, letting go of you, or going to school is a big deal -tell someone about that - police, attorneys, a psychologist)
And through all this I know you will worry about yourself last. Mothers usually do! You will be strong, and soon revived with a new life ahead of you. It will be great! You are smart to move on from this and not let it corrode you and your daughter anymore. Good for YOU!

Answer 4

Leave a note and get out. Dont let him know where you live. If you decide to let him see you daughter meet in a public place. And only let her go for a day not over night at first unless he gets the court order. You well be fine. Living on your own can be hard but it has alot of rewards. I have been doing with two lil girls for five yrs now with no family around anywhere and it can be overwhelming. You just have to trust in yourself and understand you do not need anyone to validate you. Good Luck. You have made the right choice.

Answer 5

i split with my partner of 20 yrs over 2yrs ago now.. i have 3 kids and no family other than them to help me. so basically i was alone during my split.

it was hard at the start but now 2yrs on me and the kids are doing really well and i feel now that it was the best thing i ever did..... things just would have carried on getting worse and the children wouldnt have had any quality of life in that circumstance.

i wish u all the best and if u need any more advice or just a bit of a chat u can find my contact info hopefully on this site.

all the best to u and ur daughter at this very hard time.

xxx

Answer 6

First, well done for doing something for you and your daughter. A child should feel safe and secure in their own home.

Secondly, I would advise you to speak to either a solicitor or Citizens Advice about your concerns regarding your ex trying to take your daughter away. Does he have "parental responsibility"? This is something you need to check as it was only recently given to dad's if their name is on the birth certificate.

Thirdly, be honest with your daughter, but dont scare her unnecessarily with detail either. Tell her mum and dad still both love her very much but that they cant live together any more. Do not use her as a pawn in rows or fights. But do protect her if you feel that he will try to use her as a pawn in his arguments.

Good luck with your new life, it is possible to find happiness (even if its just you and your daughter!)

Answer 7

Can you let your daughter stay overnight with someone else when you tell your partner? You say you are the carer and he works. How do you plan to support yourself and your daughter?
If you are worried about you partners reaction you might consider having a friend with you in the house when you tell him, or even ask him to go with you to a restaurant so you can talk about it over dinner. He's less likely to make a scene in public.

I wish you good luck but be very careful.

Answer 8

What was the question? You're strong, you'll manage. You've made you're choice, now follow through and rely on friends and family.

He can only act within the confines of the law - Unless he's the violent type. Surely you considered all of this before leaving him. I would speak with a lawyer if I were you. Find out if he really can take her from you.

Just keep your cell handy incase you have to call the cops....

Answer 9

As the child's father, he is entitled to see his daughter, but he cannot take her away from you forever as you also have a right to see your daughter. Between now and Saturday, I would involve Citizen's Advice, social services and/or a lawyer. See what rights you have in your situation. I would comment, however, that simply being argumentative on his part is not grounds to take your daughter away, never to see daddy again. Unless you are facing physical, mental or sexual abuse, you will be looking at joint custody of your daughter.

Answer 10

Don't even leave a note: Is there anyplace you can stay Thursday and Friday? Friends, family? You need to get everything you can survive on out of the place you're at now. Go get a restraining order and get away from him. Don't tell him you're leaving. Let him find out when you have him served with the order of child support.