How can i do these,please help me!?

Question

i'm a married woman and have what i think is a loving husband,but sometimes i seem to doubt that. since i lost my child in February this year, he seem to have been lost interest in me. We used to have sex any time of the day but since then we do it sometimes once in two months. He started working very late and have more female friends which i don't have a problem but my problem is the messages he sometimes shows me unaware sayng:"i love you", " i missed you this weekend","thanx for everything you doing for me and i love you for that". Once i try to ask him who are these he will tell me it's his clients. Help me if I'm wrong but this man is cheating on me and i need to know why? I can't confront him because once i try to my heart stops and loose strenthg. He is very much aware but he doesn't care. I love him very much and can't let him mess up with his life like this. i'm willing to make things better for him to open up and tell me what's bothering him but how can i do that?

Answer 1

First, my condolences for your loss. I know how tough that can be. I have recently gone throught he same issue with my fiance. We lost our daughter in the sense she was taken from our home for child abuse allegations that were later disproven. However, he went through the same things. When we did try to have sex, he would lose his erection, he was dating other women and I would hear messages from them that let me know he was basically "in relationships" with these other women. Sweetie, I had to let him go in my heart. I tried to hold on, cried, begged for him to talk and the more I did, the more he did things that hurt me. So, we had a very candid conversation one day (men aren't as dumb as they let on - when we have a feeling something is going on, they KNOW WE KNOW). I told him I don't know what I have to do to make him happy during an already trying time, but I can't keep putting my feelings out there for you to step on them, so when you figure out what you want, call me, BUT I cannot promise I will be there waiting. It took about a week of holding out, I would talk to him as a FRIEND, I never let my feelings show and finally he came out and told me that he was upset and did not know where to direct his feelings and I was the easy and accessible target. He apologized and it still takes work. HARD work. But, my point to you is, a man doesn't always know how to deal with hurt because they don't have to deal with it as often as we do. Let him know that you hurt too, but you don't need him hurting you on top of that. Sweetie, I am not saying give up on your man or not love your husband, but YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF MORE. Always, and once you realize that, it will move you to make a decision to tell him exactly how you feel and he has to make a choice. And you have to be strong enough to handle that choice. I am not sure of your religious background, but I have had to pray for strength as I needed it, not once a day. You have to find yourself again and if he loves you like he may have at one point before, he will realize it and get on the ball. But you have to protect YOURSELF first because if you don't do it, who will?

Take care and I wish you the very best.

Answer 2

losing a child is hard on anyone involved.

My suggestion: Tell him your concerns about how your relationship with him seems to have been affected since the loss. And ask him if he would be willing to go to counciling with you. Don't make it seem as though he is the one that needs it, as I am sure that unaware to you, he may see things that you do in the same light. He may think that you are the one that has closed him out since the loss, and this is how he is dealing with it. But tell him that you think it would be a good idea to go see a counselor to help you get over the loss, and you would like very much to have him come with you to see if the counselor can help you two get back to some sort of normal in your life.

Life will never be the same after you lose a child, you can only try and become strong again and move on.

Take what I said with a grain of salt as I don't know you nor your husband. I just know from experience as I too have lost a child. I was preg with twins and we lost one of them early on in the pregnancy.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck and am so sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

I am sooo sorry for your loss, but sometimes people to lose interest in times like that. Does he blame you without realizing? You seriously need to seek counseling together. If he doesnt make the effort to save your marriage then its sad to say but it cant be saved it take two to make a marriage work and if you are the only willing participant then it just wont. You cant make him feel something he just cant do anymore or right now. But you can stop the cheating and sneaking. If you are that unhappy then you should go but try counseling first. Good Luck to you both.

Answer 4

Give him time or seek counseling. He's probably still trying to cope with the loss of the child. People handle grief differently.

He's could be depressed or in the "Isolation stage" (see the link below). As we all know, sex is the last thing on our mind when we are depressed.

As quoted: "Loss of sex drive is a classic symptom of depression. About 75% of depressed individuals report it."

I'm not sure what you were saying about clients and messages...I would be uncomfortable with him hanging out with other women. Men need guy friends, not female friends...that is suspicious.

I'm not sure if he's cheating. If you can't ask him, then hire a detective or do your own detective work. Monitor phone calls, follow him...whatever...

Answer 5

Sweetie you need both couples and individual counseling. He is cheating and if you can get passed that then OK. First you are going to have fix you. You can not fix him. You can talk to him. You can try and reason with him but the truth is he will go down what ever path he chooses. You just need to gather all the strength you can and be ready for that long night of fighting that might be ahead. You must talk to him. Giving him time is just condoning his affairs and destroying you. You cant let anyone tear you apart. You have a right to be happy but you are going to have to make a plan on how to get that way. Good Luck

Answer 6

okay hes definetley cheating i think it just happens with every marriage or couple or whatever it may be. yes its wrong and yes it hurts but i think it sometimes just happens. A lot of times it is the women to blame, they throw themselves on a man when hes weak and that sucks to. i dont exactly know what to tell you id hate to say leave him because it sounds like you love him very much. i think that the best thing you can do is find ways to help him remember why he fell in love with you in the first place, talk to him, make sure its not something your doing, call the phone numbers leaving those messages, follow him fiqure out jis routine. Bring back the feelings that you guys once had. dont let his affair win, it is almost like a competition. but i think what i should have said first is make sure he is having an affair before you ever say anything. you dont want to blame an innocent man. just get your facts in a row and then go from there, good luck and it sounds like you love him very much so just do what feels right in your heart/.

Answer 7

You got very few options. First of all you have to make yourself brave enough that you can face bitter truth if it happens. May be there is someone in his life where his interest has shifted, or may be he is getting bore from you. Best way is to ask him directly. I am not saying to argue with him because that might leads to a fight. Just talk with each other & try to solve the problems you have in your relationship. Remember the time when you got married, how's life? Try to recreate same environment between you and your husband.

Answer 8

First of all and most important is the sorrow for your loss, it must be very difficult for you and now not to have a husband to lean on is devastating. Yes he is cheating and is most likely going to leave you. I'm sure you can waste your time trying to keep him, but it is a waste of time, I'm sorry. I do not know why he suddenly changed but I'm sure it has something to do with the loss of his child. Maybe counseling could help, might be worth a try. Most cheaters will continue, because they know they can and also that you will not force his hand. My advise, get an attorney and file for divorce, it will either make him see the light and what he is about to lose, or it will set him free. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 9

I usually don't say counseling but in this case I definitely would. Apparently he has some strong issues with the loss of your child and is doing things that are ruining your relationship because of it. Since you feel you can not talk to him on your own, it would be easier with a mediator there to help him understand where you are coming from. Sorry about your loss. Good luck and best wishes with the relationship.

Answer 10

You both lost a child, you both need couseling to deal with that then to deal with your marriage. He is lost, he may not show all his emotions, but he most likely blames himself for the death of his child. Men are taught to protect their family at all cost, no matter how your child died, he wasn't able to protect that from happening. He most likely feels like he failed you and your child. If he isn't willing to go with you, go on your own, but ask him to please join you. That's the first step on the long road a head of you both. Good luck and condolences to you on your loss.