how to consider and respect step kids?

Question

I am eary 20s and I have been dating with middle of 30s man for months. we are looking forward to being together forever. I have never been a mum and I am looking for the answer how to respect his children. I will never wish to make them unhappy because, thier dad (my BF) will marry me. his children is 10 and 6, boy and girl.

Answer 1

Just be their friend. Love them as you would any other child. Treat them with respect and they will grow to love you for the wonderful times you shared. LL.

Answer 2

Stay Neutral!
Dont ever punish them, dont talk bad to them or about them.
Let their dad make all of the rules and be the disciplinarian and never, ever say anything nevative about their dad or mom.
Things should work out fine.
I have a boyfriend I have dated for 4 yrs and his children are grown. It doesnt get any easier. The older the kids get, the worse they get...... even as adults. Money is the root of all evil. The adult kids never get on with their lives and see their parents as owing them forever.
Set your own ground rules and expectations and stick to them from day 1. or the kids will eventually run over you.

Answer 3

Definetly a toughie. Being a step parent is pretty challening, you're not a parent, you're not a disciplinarian, but you can be their friend.

The thing to remember though if you can, is not to be too noble, because unfortunately, yeah, the ex wife will always be in the picture, until those kids are done with custody weekends and start driving and going to college etc. So can you handle that? Also can your bf handle making sure that you're comfortable too, and not encourage insecurity in you.

I can tell you it's not hard, But it can become the most rewarding thing you ever did in your life :)

Answer 4

The step-parent is an odd and tricky position. I am a step-dad to my wife's son and she is a step-mom to my three daughters. We had several long and detailed conversations about step parents and step children prior to getting married. My suggestion is that you treat them just like they were your very own children. Love them that way, discipline them that way, have the same expectations and it will be fine. The biggest mistake you can make is to try and be their friend instead of their parent. You will lose their respect and they will stop listening to you. Talk to your future husband and find out how he feels, because many times the parent will feel they need to protect them from step parents and that creates tension. Good luck...

Answer 5

Can tell you this much from experience as I had two step children 15 and 13 when I first got them, and I have two of my own 13 and 6. Its not easy. You constantly get the I don't have to listen to you as you are not my mom deal. Its frustrating. But I can tell you that I have loved them both with all of my hearts and cared for them, provided for them and that is all that matters, eventually they will come to love you too.

Answer 6

I have step kids and let me tell you it is no piece of cake. Just remember that they also need to respect you, you are the adult. Children need time to ajust to their new parent and being older kids they will resent you because their parents are not together. Give them their space and don't push too hard they will come around in their own time.

Answer 7

Im the mother of 3 and step mother of 2.. and im the step daughter to a wonderfullllllllllllllll step mother.. that i call Mom..

First u need to realize that although u will be his wife, that his priorities and obligations will always be to his children first so you need to be prepared to be 2nd in his life.. when it comes to more then just daily routine situtations..

Never talk bad about their mother or anyone on the mothers side of the family in front of the kids.. no matter what she may do.. or not do..

Realize to love your husband completely you have to love every part of him, and his children are an extention of him.. so to love him, completely you have to love his children..

The children dont stay 10 and 6 forever and there are going to be times that they push ur buttons as a way of testing u.. Stay your course, Once u are their step mother, ur no longer their "friend" as far as there are times u have to take the mother role and not friend role.. in your house... and they will need to respect u as a step mother and not walk all over u..(doesnt mean u cant be their friend as well but there will be times that u cant always be their friend and have to do what is right as a mother role model)..

Always do what is right, even if it means throwing how u feel personally to the wind.. they have to come first.. even if it doesnt "FEEL" good.. at the moment.. for example u have a romantic dinner planned with ur husband, and the x wife calls with a emergency in the family and asks if u can watch the kids, it will suck cause u had plans, but the right thing to do is to be there for the kids..

The more secure the kids feel in the situation the better off they will be, so the more secure u make them in letting them know ur not trying to take mom's place, but rather they have someone extra to love them as well .. will help them in accepting the relationship .. make them always feel as if they are part of YOUR family.. they have their own room, their own stuff at ur house, ect to make them feel that dad's house is their house as well, not just some where they visit..

Their mom is going to be a huge key in the scenerio.. if u can get along with her civily it will make the kids adjustments much easier rather then having a woman who is spiteful and jealous feeding her kids heads with hate towards u , which only hurts the kids.. but if she's a psychotic x.. just always stay ur course and try not to let her get to u and when they grow up they will look back and see the truth..

Make sure you and ur husband are always a United Front.. not only to the kids, but to "everyone".. that will be a huge factor.. even if u dont agree with each other always back each other up and argue or discuss things behind closed doors after..

When my husbands x wife asks for certain things for example he will say let me go discuss it with Leigh (me) and i'll call u back.. although to the outside it may seem ridiculous for him to consult with me about things concerning his children, its a matter of not only respect but since im the one thats home a majority of the time, im the one that watches the kids during those times while he is at work and has to make sure that my schedule conicides with what she needs.. this will not only show u respect, but it makes u more then just a fixture in the household and makes u an active parent..

Be involved in all the kids do, go to as many extra cirricular functions and school functions that u can... even if your husband cant make it .. you should be his right hand..

Basically always do what is right.. no matter what people say or think .. do what is right for the kids, go the extra mile then what is expected of you for the children.. u dont have to be blood related to love someone.. and in time love and respect are earned.. and if u follow the right course like my step mom did.. the kids grow up and realize u were always there for them.. and that u did go above and beyond for them.. and they will look at u like a mother.. and not just dads wife..

And for those that are saying stay out of it and just be a friend and nothing more ect.. those are the kinds of people that only do what they "have" to do and arent really a parent..my sister is that way.. and she has so much resentment towards her step daughter that they both can hardly stand each other.. they put up with each other and thats it.. and to me thats disfunctional... i personally want a Family environment, and eventually u'll probably have children of ur own, and u need to realize that your children will be blood related to your step children, and they should always be treated equally .. so dont ever treat your step children less then u would for your own child..u want to make as stable of an environment for everyone concerned..

Answer 8

Treat them nice and always be considerate to them. If you really love their dad you should love them the same way beside its his own blood. By doing that your boyfriend will love you more and you will have a happy family in the future. and one thing more when you have a child of your own surely your step childrens will love your child as it is their own brother or sister.

Answer 9

Just respect the fact that he has a past with another woman, they had kids etc... The kids are apart of him, and if you love him, he's your BF etc... Then you will love the children just as much.

Answer 10

Treat them well,but as a parental figure.Sit down with them and discuss your plans w/ their father.Asking their consent will go a long way to starting a positive relationship.Good luck,step families have their own special challenges.I hope yours are spared most of them.