can u think of funny or rude jokes?

Answer 1

Here 4joke 4u.


Once Upon a Time Little Red Riding Hood...

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat...
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties."

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother's house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties."

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, "No he won't I have a big gun in my basket ...." She pulls out the gun "See, nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother's house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house...and knocks on the door...no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, "Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!"

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"

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A Fishy Story


Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Golfing With Wife


A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

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Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

Answer 2

There were four men on an Airplane Flight, the Pilot, the World's Smartest Man, a Hippie, and a Priest. The plane began having engine trouble. It started descending at a very rapid rate. The pilot informed his passengers about the engine trouble and that they would have to bail out. There was a problem; there were only three parachutes. The four men started talking over the situation. The Pilot stated that he has to use one of the parachutes so he would be able to tell the FAA what happened to the plane and that by doing this doing this would save countless lives. The other three agreed, so the Pilot took one of the parachutes and jumped to safety. The World's Smartest Man said he had to use one of the parachutes because the world relied o him for his knowledge and leadership. The other two passengers agreed, so the World's Smartest Man took a parachute and jumped out. The Priest and Hippie looked at each other. The Priest told the Hippie, "You take the last parachute because the good Lord will look after me." The Hippie said, "Thank you Father, but there isn't any problem, the 'World's Smartest Man' jumped out with my back pack on. p.s. I think the penguin joke above that another person posted is missing the punchline. The guy is told to take the penguins to the zoo. The next day he returns and the penguins are still in the car. Someone asks why he didn't take them to the zoo. He says "I did, and they liked it so much that today I'm taking them to the park!"

Answer 3

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Answer 4

There's a Englishman Irishman and a Scotsman all working on a building site. All three work their asses off til finally its lunch time. They all settle down with their lunches and start to eat.
'Oh bleeding hell' saids the Englishman 'Jam sandwiches again! If I get jam tomorrow I swear I'm throwing myself off this building site!'
'Well, at least you ain't got cheese, I hate cheese!' Says the Irishman ' If I get cheese tomorrow I'll be jumping after you!'
'I won't be far behind if I get bloody tuna again! Says the Scotsman
The three men make a pact there and then that if they get the same sandwiches the next day they would jump off the building site.
Lunch time comes the next day and the three men warily sit down to their sandwiches. The Englishman opens his lunch and sure enough its jam. Without another word he jumps from the building site to his death. The Irishman and the Scotsman finding cheese and tuna in their sandwiches leap to their deaths not long after.
A week later the Englishwoman Irishwoman and Scotswoman are all gathered at their late husbands funeral.
The Englishwoman is sobbing uncontrollably 'Its all my fault I thought he liked jam!'
'Mine too! I thought Jock loved tuna' Cried the Scotswoman 'He never said he didn't!'
The Irishwoman looks at them both and says 'Well it ain't MY fault fecking eejit made his own blood sandwiches!!!!!'

Answer 5

yeah a fair few: -

2 eggs boiling in a pan 1 female 1 male... the female turns to the male and says 'look ive got a crack' he replies 'no point telling me im not f*ckin hard yet'

man says to wife... 'your *** is the size of 3 burner bbq's' later, in bed, he says 'how about a bit??' wife says no ******* point lightin the bbq for half a sausage!!!!

I could go on... but i wont!!!

Answer 6

It's pretty pi** poor but might bring a smirk to your face on an otherwise dull tuesday!

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were Going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*** * *ng menthol"

Answer 7

I can think of a few..... but they'd probably get me banned !

Answer 8

certainly!
haahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaa - I'm thinking of one now - haahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaahaahahahhhahhhaaaahhhaa

Answer 9

After the elections two friends are talking. One says:
- Did you vote?
The other says:
- No, f*** them! Did you?
- Yes, f*** them!

Answer 10

go on to

funnyjunk.com

humourarchives.com

They have some sound!! ones