What is the right age to have "the talk" with my daughter??

Question

She had just turned 10 and is a very young 10, she has not yet discovered boys and I do not wish to scare her.

Answer 1

A cousin who lost her mother at a very young age asked me and my wife this same question because she didn't have her mother to help her. She had to learn it from a school nurse.

Perhaps you could just tell her in little bits so as to begin preparing her.
start with, " In a few months you might start noticing some changes in yourself and I want you to know they are perfectly normal. Every young girl goes through this and it is nothing to be afraid of."

That will put the thought in her mind.

Then a week or month later begin prepping her about menstruation so that if it happens some time when she is at school or at a friends house it won't scare her to death. A friend at work didn't prep her daughter and one day the kid ran screaming into the emergency room of a hospital. Thought she was bleeding to death. That cost mom and dad $150. The nurses there calmed her down and explained everything to her. She was mad at her mom for a whole month!

Most kids can absorb things if given a chance to do it in segments and usually that doesn't blow them away. They really are quite durable if handled with love and concern. If your daughter is slender and very active she might not develope until 12 but that is just a guessing game isn't it? It is the girls who have a bit of surplus body fat who develope the youngest.

Just be gentle and constantly reassure her that all of these changes are normal. She will do just fine. Expect her to check what you tell her with her friends. Kids are like that, constantly looking for reassurance. We have an 11 year old granddaughter who came to visit last week and there were little "straps" showing outside her sleeveless blouse. I'm not sure if I'm ready to see my little granddaughter start growing up so soon, and here I am trying to give you advice.
Actually, I'm just repeating what my wife told our cousin. My wife is a nurse but we never had a daughter to go through this with.

Answer 2

Well, the sooner the better I'd say. Girls can achieve menarche as early as 9, the usual age is about 11 or 12 now I believe. You certainly don't want her caught by surprise, and have to have the explainations from anyone else do you?
If you are feeling nervous about it, there are plenty of books on the subject of growing up that should be of help. She probably knows more about the subject than you realize already, especially if she goes to a public or private school. It's better for the information to come from you, and then you don't have so much dis-information to correct.
Mind you, you don't have to give the full story all at once. She is still young, so unless she asked directly, I should think explaining the changes which are going to happen to her would be enough for now. It's not as if this discussion is a one time good deal anyway, as they will continue to need guidance in regards to boys and sex for several years to come yet. Once you have gotten the basics of her changes done, then most logically later you would discuss the changes which occur for boys.
Try not to be visibly squeemish about the subject, difficult as it is to do. You want her to feel comfortable talking to you about all of it, and if she thinks you will squirm she won't. It's okay to tell her it's hard to discuss, because you still think of her as your baby. But you have to recognize your baby is growing up and it's time you had this talk.
I was really nervous to discuss the subject with my oldest children, but I figured it was better for me to squirm and have them learn properly and be prepared. I always remember one poor girl when I was in 7th grade who was totally unprepared. We girls found her in the bathroom just terrified, sick and upset, because she was sure she was dying. The school nurse had to have "the talk" with her, after which she was absolutely embarassed to face the rest of us. Not long after I went to work on the ambulances, we picked up a 13 year old in labor, except she didn't realize she was pregnant. Had no idea how you got pregnant, although obviously she was pretty knowledgeable about other things. We had to make the explainations on the way to the hospital, while she panted and puffed between contractions. I'm sure that's not you current situation, but in both cases, the person doing the explainations was not the person who should have had to do it. So no matter how you do it, no matter how clumsy you feel doing it, please do it soon. You've seen her through every other development stage, and this is no different. She will hear it somewhere, and better it should be from you. Prepare her now, because if you don't and somebody else has to, she will never forgive you for it. You can do it, and there's no better time than the present.

Answer 3

Well, I'm 15 and I still haven't had "the talk". I think my parents know/knew that I already know about sex. We learn it in school. We learn about the organs, when puberty developes and how we start changing. I didn't really want to have "the talk" with my parents because it is kind of embarrassing when they tell you about sex. Quite frankly, I thought it's pretty stupid say the whole "birds and the bees" speech. But I've been told I'm a very mature 15-yr-old and sometimes I agree. But when your daughter does start asking the questions, that is your que to start answering them.. Don't become embarrassed and shrug off the question for another week or so. You may say you won't do that, but many parents I know, have done that because they don't want they're children finding out about sex and boys. You might have to let your daughter know that she can come to you when she has those sorts of questions, tell her not to be scared. It's hard to see your baby grow up, but you can't put it off forever.
So when she starts asking the important questions, don't fully blow her mind.. Gently push them into her mind, but don't force it because then she will become scared...
!! GOOD LUCK !!

Answer 4

The way the media, TV programs and commercials are these days it is probably not to soon. She probably knows way more already, then you think. It is very touchy. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a place to send them to so you wouldn't have to do it. In our state the girls go to a maturation class for 2 hours at school. They explain about the body functions and when a girl starts her period and why. I feel the mom needs to talk with their daughter before that happens. I started my period when I was 11. Some girls do start at ten. It scared me because I didn't know what was happening and that wasn't good. Think about it a lot. Our local library has books to help. You can take her to lunch and make it a private thing so you won't be interrupted.

Answer 5

unfortunately the world we live in today is much more dangerous then it was way back when. there are people out there that have little or no concern for children. If i were you i would sit her down with some very basic info (don't go further unless she asks more) i think its better for her to have a bit of knowledge then possibly getting stuck in a situation where she wont know how to handle herself. sometimes once you provide some info the initial shyness (from talking to mom) disappears and she may actually want to know quite a lot more than you thought she would. If you see shes getting uncomfortable try taking a different route. Hope this helps.PS> my daughter was 11 when we had "the chat"

Answer 6

It really depends on how mentally mature your child is before you have the talk. If it's too late, you're going to be having the "You just walked in on me and your father in bed and now you're going to be traumatised" talk, rather than just "the talk."

My daughter is only 6, but she knows a fair bit for someone her age. She is pretty perceptive, but she's been deaf her whole life, so she relies on what people do and how they interact, rather thean their words.

So I have sort of given her the half talk. I explained what it all is in a broad concept, but not going into specifics like sperm and egg kind of thing, as obviously she's too young for that.

You could try the same with your child, but she's probably going to be all "EWWW! Boys! Yuck!" and not listen to anything that you say. When she's a little older, try again if it didn't wok. Maybe around age 13, or when she starts her period. If you don't feel comfortable, you can always leave it up to the handy little books in your library and leave one conveniently placed in her room.

Answer 7

12

Answer 8

I have a ten year old daughter and have been slowly educating her with little bits of information when things come up. She is ready to expect her period and has already started developing. I think that little bits of information from you may get the ball rolling and she may start to ask you some questions of her own. If she knows she can talk to you about these topics she probably will. If I were you I would be looking for opportunities now.

Answer 9

Soon so that she knows she's not dying when she gets her period. My mom never gave me 'the talk' except I got "don't have sex even if he says he loves you" she also never knew when I started liking boys or masturbating and I didn't tell her when I got my period. In high school I was subjected to the Christian form of abstinence only education. Both my mothers attitude and the 'education' annoyed me because I knew both the statement from my mother and the abstinence only training that I got was just plain stupid and misogynistic. I picked up the information along the way and formed my own opinions. I feel sorry for my mother and her odd worldveiw and the other young women of 'abstinent only education' especially when it's spewed on them by women haters. Maybe the abstinence only educators wife doesn't allow herself or isn't allowed to physically enjoy sex or masturbate but, I sure do!

Answer 10

Don't have "the" talk. Have many little talks. You need to give her the information as she is ready. You don't want to overwhelm or scare her and it can be a lot for a young girl to take in at once. If you have several short conversations, she will be more comfortable and it will be easier for her to approach you if she has questions. You need to at least get her ready for her period and stuff now. many girls her age have already started.