Ok - I'm not a prude, and neither is he. We've always been open about everything sexual, and I even share my embarassing fetishes with him. Recently, he's pulled away from me, and he has become VERY distant. I took a hunch tonight, and checked his computer - sure enough - there it was.
Like I mentioned before, we're not prudes. I've actively asked him to share his fantasies with me - but I was unprepared for some of the "barely legal" sites he has hidden in his cache.
My normally open minded self is sensing there may be a problem, but I don't know how to approach the subject with him. He's very sensitive to a lot of things, and no matter how gently I try to talk about some things with him, he puts up a cold front.
Should I forget it, and focus on my own life? We're starting to drift apart and we haven't had personal intimacy in over 9 months.
Any advice here?
2006-10-23 22:45:03 · 15 answers · asked by pyrrhic_victories 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
BTW - We're in our mid thirties - and I know why he's turned out by it all - we've discussed it before - but I found out he's hiding more than just this - new email addresses and new online names...just found this out.
I feel like he's blocking me out of his life, and the urge to leave is strong.....I'm just trying to get the broadest range of perspectives possible here before tacking the subject with him in the morning.
2006-10-23 23:00:14 · update #1
Also - he literally recoils when I touch him or act forward. He's been hurt by a lot of women in the past, and is very insecure.
I just don't know how to appeal to him anymore - and I've tried everything I can think of.
All I can do is wait for him, and that never happens.
2006-10-23 23:01:40 · update #2
What is making you stay? Did you come to this earth to be the sad little half of a failed relationship? Or were you born to live out your life in the most fantastic way possible? To experience as many new things as you can, to learn to not only give love but to love yourself enough to receive it? We were all blessed with the gift of life, now go out and live it, don't offer it up in the way you're doing, all you will receive is misery, pain and rejection. Go out there sis, and make a splash, set a time line in your head and promise yourself that things will be different and better in time, and lose the baggage that's holding you back, all the best.
2006-10-23 22:51:57 · answer #1 · answered by mizzsquitz 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly I don't think the "barely legal" thing is really an issue. I wonder how old this guy is. I always had a thing for older women but as I've reached my 30's younger women are more appealing to me. Am I a pedofile? Hell no. I think it's natural that as a man ages he seeks some of his youth by looking at younger women. Now my understanding of barely legal is college age women. If he had pictures of preteen girls or the 16 year old next door that would be a problem but don't confuse a guy looking at 18 or 19 year old females with a guy that is messing with little girls. That is just sick. On the other hand if you haven't had sex in 9 months there's a major problem and I would suggest counseling if you want to continue this relationship.
2006-10-23 22:56:32 · answer #2 · answered by oduck99 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know from talking to male friends whom I trust that many people have fantasies that they don't share even with the people they love most. What's ringing alarm bells about your query are 2 things. The first is that his activity is "barely legal", the second is that your "personal intimacy" has closed down for so long.
Do you love this person? Or are you just dependent on being part of a couple?
As first steps I'd say:
1. Tell him that you're concerned that you seem to be growing apart, that you don't want to pressure or rush him but that you'd like to talk about the future when he feels ready. Be ready to listen but don't expect an immediate response. He sounds to be in a troubled psychological state.
2. In the meantime get really busy on your own account - see friends, plan and go on solo trips, or trips with friends, go to classes, films, concerts, the gym, go running, whatever is available - GET BUSY ON YOUR OWN ACCOUNT.
3. Think hard about this "barely legal" stuff - do you really want to be associated with whatever it is? Because you are, if you stick with a person who uses it.
There are loads of good people in the world, as friends and partners. Value yourself. Good luck.
2006-10-23 23:08:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Barley legal? if it is underage stuff you need to confront him straight away no beating around the bush, but before you do this make sure you have options open to you if you need to spend a few nights away from your home.
If it is just fetish things that shocked you, really it is not as bad as you first think. If it is fetish he may be feeling guilty that he enjoys this sexual area.
Either way you do need to sit and talk to him. he will not be happy thinking you have been snooping on him. You also need to sort out the deep rooted problems in your relationship if you have been drifting apart from each other for some time.
2006-10-23 23:02:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok - in your first sentence you say you are not a prude, and also describe your fetishes as 'embarrassing'. That seems to be a bit of a contradiction to me.
If his fantasies are legal - even if they are 'barely legal' - they are ok.
I suspect the problem with your relationship doesn't lie in this direction. You need to discuss with him why your relationship is not working at the moment, and what can be done by both of you to get it back on track.
2006-10-23 22:49:24 · answer #5 · answered by langdonrjones 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was sitting here coming up with an answer... until you said no personal intimacy in over nine months.. if hes getting no intimacy with you and hes not hooking up with any other girls... maybe porno is his only outlet. but dude just find a new man 9 months??!?! if you want to make things work then go out of your way this week to give him a fat BJ DOME session, and restore intimacy, every day. if this doesnt work against the porn than dont stay because it makes you uncomfortable so there shouldnt be any room for that in the relationship.
some people advocate porn on the side in a relationship but dont get brainwashed, if it makes you uncomfortable its wrong!
2006-10-23 22:50:09 · answer #6 · answered by bootleg_310 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first clue would be the 9 months of personal intimacy. If he is not getting it from you then he is getting it from somewhere. End this thing with him and focus on what makes you happy. There are plenty of other guys out there that will put you first on their list.
2006-10-23 22:50:23 · answer #7 · answered by Captain Comment 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know i am really surprise how dumb and stupid the female population is listen to yourself repeat after me 'We're starting to drift apart and we haven't had personal intimacy in over 9 months'. wait listen to this also ' Should I forget it, and focus on my own life'. Now its one thing not to know the answer but to have the answer and not use it is the worse.
2006-10-23 22:51:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's into that "barely legal" stuff, there's nothing to talk about unless you can get him to seek help and are willing to stay with someone who could become a pedophile some day.
2006-10-23 22:48:13 · answer #9 · answered by *babydoll* 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like its just habit keeping you together. Either make the effort to get things back on track or break up.
2006-10-23 22:48:07 · answer #10 · answered by huggz 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋