with my best mate. She's been with her boyfriend for 18 months and basically he's no good for her! He has a drink and drug habit, doesn't work and only now has somewhere to live because my friend moved out of home and got a flat. He's stolen from her and her family. I have lost count of the times I've seen her in tears over him, but whenever I say anything she immediately jumps to his defence. She barely eats, rarely smiles anymore its affecting her health and her job. The sad thing is without the drink and drugs when he wants to be he can be a nice guy but I can only count twice when I've seen him clean and sober. I've tried talking to him, lent him money, even found him a job (which he never turned up for) to try and make things easier for her, but its almost impossible to help him when he can't even admit he has problems. Last night she cried to me that she's has enough but she can't leave because he needs her. I don't want to give up on my mate but I just don't know what to do
2006-10-23 21:54:20 · 19 answers · asked by littlebabygem 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Any advice would be much appreciated!
2006-10-23 21:55:07 · update #1
Take her on a holiday, get her away from him for a while maybe if she spends sometime with people that treat her well she may see the light and leave him.
2006-10-23 21:57:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He certainly does have a problem but so does she. He's the drug addict and she's the enabler. It's a very common pattern or behavior.
Don't get sucked into their unhealthy relationship because, in her sickness, she needs him as much as he needs her. She is exactly where she wants to be and any attempts to break them up will be met with resistance--as you've already found out.
Do nothing to further his dependence. Do not loan him money, do not find him jobs, do nothing to help him remain on drugs. If he asks for help tell him that you can't do anything to help him.
If you want to find out more about this pattern of behavior then you can find it on the Internet under names like "enablers and drug addicts" or "enabling an addict". It should be very informative.
2006-10-23 22:06:40 · answer #2 · answered by Ellen J 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't live someone's life for them, and nothing will make this girl stop seeing this loser until she's had enough of it. Unfortunately, some people seem to be programmed to take other peoples crap, as are some people programmed to give other people crap. The only thing you can do for your friend is be there for her when she needs supporting, only she will leave this drop out when she's good and ready, hopefully it won't be three kids etc later, all the best.
2006-10-23 21:59:31 · answer #3 · answered by mizzsquitz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your an awesome friend and i bet its wearing you at too seeing her like this. Only thing i can suggest seen u have tried to help him is to help her by rewarding her with things that interested in. Like going to the movies, dinner, lunch, going to a park, beach on a picnic, or even a concert if someone she likes comes to town. She needs positive healthy attention. Dont bring anything up about her bf when u do help her, if she does then all you can do is listen, cuddle, and give her your shoulder. Good Luck!! Hugsssss for you too!!
2006-10-23 22:07:22 · answer #4 · answered by -=á?¦ §êÃ?Ã¥ ?=- 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As my mother says each person has to buy their own sense. Which basically mean we have to learn from our own experiences. I'm not saying to cut your friend off but you have to back away. Let her know you are their for her whenever she wants to get out of the situation, but you have know that you can't change or help her behavior just as she can't help or change his behavior. You are in fact enabling an enabler and the situation is not healthy.
When people get sick and tired or bullshit guess what the find a way to get themselves out of it. I mean real sick and tired, so tired in their soul and spirit that they just have to get out, that's when she'll be beating down your door, and I don't know when that's gonna be, just remember to be a good and loving friend and don't gloat and tell her I told you so. Just give her a big hug a shoulder to cry and tell her you love her.
Love makes the world go round and then follows Peace,
Monique
2006-10-23 22:01:02 · answer #5 · answered by moniiluv17 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it's clear that she's hanging on to that nice guy that you yourself have had a glimpse of. I understand that she feels she needs to be there for him, but the truth is she is NOT and NEVER will be the person who can help him, she is to close to him, and the truth is the only person who can help him, is HIMSELF, she needs to realise that the only way she can help him is by letting go, making him realise the position he is in by himself, and by her thinking she is helping, is in fact only prolonging him getting better. If she really wants to be with the nice guy that she knows and loves, then she has to let go and tell him the only way she can be with him is if he goes away and gets himself proper help, and when he is ready, she will be there for him, but until this happens she can't do anything for him, but the truth is he needs to do this for himself not her. I hope this helps, but you've probably said all this to her before, the only thing i can say to you, as her friend, is just be there for her, and don't loose her through him!!
2006-10-23 22:04:14 · answer #6 · answered by xhoneybeex 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have tried all you can and this guy sounds like a loser he ain't gonna change i would be horrified if my daughter was with someone like this.The only thing you can do if you have tried all you can is to let them get on with it but be there for your friend when it all falls apart otherwise you will be banging you head against a brick wall whatever you decide i hope it works out for you and your friend so good luck to the both of you
2006-10-23 22:01:01 · answer #7 · answered by oG33MANo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a good friend. Your friend should leave this loser. If he really loves her, just the thought of her leaving him just might make him see the light and seek out help. Sometimes, a swift kick in the butt ( figuratively speaking )is what a person needs to wake up. If he doesn't really love her and just "needs" her, he will find someone else to take care of him.
2006-10-23 22:05:29 · answer #8 · answered by jim s 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i really feel for your friend, i was in the same predicament, my boyfriend was high on drugs 24/7 moved in with me but had no job, i then had to pay for 2 ppl! He got progressivly worse and i didn't know what to do with myself, he told me every day that he loved me and if i left him he would kill himself!
He then became violent, he found it hard not having a job.
I eventually got out, it was hard but i had to realise that i wasn't responsible for him! I told him that i still cared but had to look after my self, it had made me ill trying to deal with him!
It took him a year after i left for him to get his life back on track but he still lapses every few months which proves to me i'm better off out!
She needs to leave him for her own sake, take a few months out then call him and see how he's doing, it will either make him or break him!
Tell her that if she gets ill, loses her job or worse she won't be any good to either of them!
I hope she will be ok! I know i was!
2006-10-23 22:20:44 · answer #9 · answered by GeorgieP 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time for some "tough love". Don't say anything about him further. Come Christmas give your friend a gift of door mats with a letter saying If you want to be a door mat for this clown i thought you ought to dress as one. Sorry ,my wife's kid is in the same situation,she LOVES being a door mat. It's quite sad actually
2006-10-23 21:59:19 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋