He was very angry with me last night!?

Question

I am not sure what should I do? My boyfriend told me that he is under a lot of stress and pressure from his work. He does not like his job, he does not get on with his boss very much, he has got to find a new job before his apartment agreement runs out in December. He is looking for a job near my city, which for him is a different country. He told me the other day that he is sorry for me but he just asks for one thing and that is understanding and comprehension and he asked for patience. But I have not been dealing very well with him being distant with me. He is cold and distant when he speaks to me and if I tell him that he gets upset with me and tells me that I do not understand him and I do not support him and he says this is the last thing he needs now to worry about me as well. What should I do? I am worried I am loosing him.

Answer 1

I'm not understanding what the real question is here. Are you concerned about how your boyfriend can reduce his stress or how you can keep him?

As far as reducing stress through lifestyle changes, understand that these take time. He is under tremendous stress with a job he is not happy with, a boss he cannot relate to and an upcoming housing deadline. Though he will do what suits him, relocating at this time is probably not a very good idea. But then again December is over a month away and he has plenty of time to review his options (so long as he does not procrastinate).

In the event that he does not find a new replacement job immediately, he should have a backup plan. A couple alternative options might be to:

-seek a nearby second job more suited to his interests (even a lower paying one with room to grow, this will eliminate the need to hop from unwanted job to job)

-be willing to commute. If he can't find a job in your city in the time allowed be willing to travel the distance to whichever job, so long as its reasonable based on pay rate and fuel.

-Make due with what he has... make amends with his boss. Chances are his boss doesn't like the feud either. His boss is a human being so there has to be some compassion in him/her. He can clear up any static the two may have by requesting a brief, private moment to lay it on the table. If it sounds cheesy, keep in mind most issues only escalate when there is no positive intervention.

There should be no negative consequences since there is no need for disrespectful behavior from either party. If the boss won't let up, he should respectfully request a different shift. Of course he will have to work his life around it but at least he will be reducing some of the stress while he buys time to find a new job. Make sure he starts off on a good foot with the new boss.

If he hates his job despite the boss but chooses to stay there, he should figure out what other position at the current job he would be most interested in and apply. He may just be having issues with his current duties. He might find that new responsibilities in the same company are just what he needs to get back on track. Already having experience there could encourage them to hire from within.



As far as the relationship goes, if he has already showed compassion and requested your support then the best you can do is respect his wishes. Cooperate with him.

Rather than telling him that he is cold and distant, ask him what you can do to make his day a little better? Keep in mind he is probably at his wits end, ready to throw in the towel at work to relieve the stress. But he is a trooper. He is sticking it out and it is crucial that you be at his side. If you want to keep him do not push him away by doing things he's already showed distaste for. Encourage him to see it through and offer support when necessary.

If you are worried that you are losing him, then your intuition is kicking in. It's telling you chances are you will be--- IF you don't stop your behavior. You have already stated everything here "he asked for patience... tells me that I do not understand him and I do not support him..." If he is TELLING you these things, you MUST listen. Communication plays a STRONG role in relationships and while he may not be as direct as he could be, he is clearly telling you to ease up. Just give him his space. Stop digging and start supporting. Stop calling him cold, it as an insult to him. You need to be a positive source for him right now as things are heating up. Put yourself in his shoes for one day, how would you want to be greeted when you returned from a long, rough day of pressure and uncertainty?

You say your city is like a new country to him. Well kill 2 birds with one stone. Invite him to spend the day with you exploring your city so that he can be familiar with it AND he can forget about his daily troubles for once. An early morning start would be perfect for picking up applications to initiate the job hunt. Pamper him, he needs it. Massage his shoulders, back, neck and feet. Feed his mind, body and soul. Be affectionate. Reassure him that you are his rock. Remind him that you are on his side and you believe in him. A man who has a womans' devotion does not throw away something so precious.

All in all, remember you must give him space but remain supportive. He is under extreme pressure and he needs to hear "You are right. You deserve more. You WILL succeed in this. And this too shall pass.". Be that voice.

Good luck to the both of you. :)

Answer 2

You're not telling your age, so I venture an answer that may sound like your grandma is giving you a sermon. That is not how I mean it to sound, though.
Relationships are two way streets. Understanding and support are vital and should go two ways. To your boyfriend the stress about his present work, finding a new job and apparently a new place to live is the main thing in his mind, right now. And may be his worries about you not understanding him and losing you. To you it is the worry him being distant and cross at you and the fear of losing him.
So.. if you both want the relationship to work, you both should try and understand what is bugging the other, and be understanding and supporting about it. And yes, if your main topic in the conversation with him is about him being distant, he might feel like you don't understand him and don't support him, and then he got another worry: the relationship going down the drain because of it. But then again, he should also really listen to you, and try to take your worries away.
So.. in my opinion you might try to explain to him that you DO understand his worries, and even try and help him finding that job and/or a place to live near where you live (use your network: anyone in the same line of jobs as his might know about a vacancy). But you may also explain to him how much you miss him and that it should help you if he could just let you know every now and then that he misses you too etc. Telling him what you would like him to do or say will work way better than telling him he is too distant, too absorbed in his stress etc. Telling him your needs will not sound like a reproach.. and he really does not need reproaches being in the stress he is in. Have some patience, in a month things will be easier, hopefully!
Good luck to you both,
love from Holland!

Answer 3

i have found from past experience that finding or starting a new job, needing to earn money and move home can make life very stressful. It puts a terrible strain on relationships.

if you were now both jetting off on holiday instead and things were a bit more stable and certain i'm sure you would be getting on just fine.

try and have a laugh together and be positive. Outside influences crop up all the time, don't let them get in the way of how you feel about each other.

He must be feeling low at the moment. Give him a hug and make him laugh. This feeling of doom and gloom won't last for ever.

It's not you and him- it's outside factors that is the problem. Stick with it and i'm sure all will be well.

Don't take life too seriously.

Answer 4

You know, I've been married thirty years, and if my husband was stressed out the LAST thing I would do is try to get him to talk to me or share what's bugging him. I've found when most men are under pressure they do that "mental go in the cave" thing, basically hold it in until their issues are resolved.

Draw back - he's got enough on his plate without you pressuring him, too! You sound a bit insecure. He's moving from another COUNTRY to live near you and you're worried??? Give the man some space, hon. Think of him as a rubber band, he may seem like he's pulling away but he really isn't, and the last thing you want to be is clingy. He's asked for strength and support from you. Now is SO not the time for you to want reassurance from him!

I know this sounds corny as hell - but when my daughter got married I gave her the videos "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". She thought it was meant to be a joke until she watched them - then made her husband watch them, too. If you can find the videos, or the book, check them out. My husband and I even learned a thing or two, and like I said, we've been married forever!

Be easy.....

Answer 5

ok so hes under pressure with his job - with his boss - finding a new job in just over a month and trying to move to another country and you're on his case over this?
hun - take a step back and look at it from his point of view - right now you need to support him all the way - without crowding him - why dont you try and help him find a job or an apartment near you - try and take some of the pressure of him.
Just grant him what he wants - as if you do keep pressurising him you WILL loose him. xx

Answer 6

Apology means a sincere feeling that you did the man wrong, apology also means that you don't expect him to say sorry back. Your husband must be a very miserable person having to deal with a bossy wife like you. When my wife and myself disagree, we give each other space, even if it means till the next morning. When i tell my wife to leave me alone. Just respects my feelings, and does leave me alone. My wife NEVER tells me to come home at a certain time, regardless whether she's hungry or not. She makes me feel loved, appreciated and trusted by not even asking where I was and when will I come back home. I respect my wife for having such a strong character and self-confidence which makes her not needy nor clingy nor naggy... I respect my wife for having a life, and for not being a drama queen. My wife appreciate the hard work I am doing. She also appreciates that i need space and time for myself and with MY friends, not alony with my clients. My wife respect the fact that I bring home income, and she COOKS each and every meal to show that she appreciates my hardwork and that she wouldn't waste our money on takeouts. I appreciate my wife and love her so much even more, because when I was stupid and abusive to her, long ago, she just stood behind me, and helped me instead of putting me down, and making me feel like a bad person day and night! If you were my wife, you'd have been my EX the minute you set a curfew to come home because you are "hungry".

Answer 7

you seem to be showing him all the understanding that he needs but
it could be a way off him saying he do-sent want to move to your city i hope not but it seems as if he has a lot on his mind but he shud also stop and think about u
he really dose need to stop being so cold and distant as hi is pushing u away

Answer 8

lets see... he is looking for a job near your city, which is a different country than his..hmmm this is a really big step for him he is taking a lot of chances here... new country, new job, living near his girlfriend which is you.. honey, I think you need to chill out, put your relationship worries on hold and be there for him.

Answer 9

chill both of you, take some time out go out and discuss what and how you both feel both be open and honest, everyone has worries and stresses i laughed when i read that as its minor compared to mine so trust me you will get through it if you love each other id swap with you anyday... work out what you both have to do to get through it and whats the best approach to take and start what ever you do straight away.. let each other know how you feel... problems im sure will be resolved if you both do honestly love each other.. good luck

Answer 10

It sounds like you have to give him space. Don't pressure him to nuture your feelings when he is under stress. Just remember that things will eventually change for better or worse.