2006-10-23 18:16:41 · 7 answers · asked by ShyGirl_87 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Hello again. (I've posted this same letter twice, now, and also answered you on your third question about this.)
You didn't mention the choking incident here that you talked about in one of your other questions. I'm glad you brought it up somewhere. You have gotten good answers here even though you didn't explain the full extent of the problem.
I already gave you a detailed answer for what to do under your similar question "boyfriend abuse part 2?". I hope you'll read my advice and take it to heart, along with most of what others said. But I thought I'd add something else:
There's nothing you can do that will make things better between you. You can't change any of your behaviors so that he won't explode. Why? It's because you have nothing to do with his reactions. They are HIS. You say you two argue. Well disagreements are normal and healthy. But some men think that for a mate to have her own opinion about something is bad. And while trying to keep the peace, some women stop voicing their opinions. That's a self-betrayal on top of the rest. Pretty soon a woman can forget who she is. I know this from my own experience.
You see, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive family, and my father who is eighty, is still the same guy. At least he's been too old, sick and weak to act it out for the last couple decades. I've had more than my share of self-esteem and other problems during my life because of the way I was raised. My brother and sister both have poor self-esteem, though they are both highly attractive, intelligent and multi-talented. Though my sister escaped the physical abuse, both had problems in their marriages and were divorced. They had married people with similar problems to our father's. My sister, who is absolutely the sweetest, most beautiful and creative woman--(and sharp!), married the first guy that asked because she thought no one else would ever love her. He was very abusive, but in non-physical ways that kept her on constant edge and futher hurt what self-esteem she had. My brother's wife was critical and emotionally abusive and later did him real dirt. He just rolled over and let her and her boyfriend (my brother's best friend) take everything material they had. He's remained unmarried ever since. His most recent relationship was with an emotionally fragile women who was just out of an abusive relationship. The "ex" even threatened my brother on several occasions. My brother is a big muscular guy. The very last time the guy threatened, I believe the guy had a gun. The girlfriend went back to the sick-o. My sister is remarried, to a nicer but controlling man. He'd had bad family dynamics of his own.
Do you understand what happened with my family? You see, we marry pretty much what is modeled by our parents' marriage. Often we don't even realize what's going on in our relationship is abusive, because it just seems "normal" to us. Your relationship(s) will be THE model(s) for your daughter's future ones, unless you are able to leave and get supportive measures to prevent yourself from being attracted to other relationships like this one.
Another experience: In the sixties, my father had a younger friend at work who married a woman who worked in a different department there. (That couple dated for years before their wedding.) We moved soon after that. While I was in college, the wife came to visit during a school break and arrived on a flight shortly before mine. My mom met me at the airline gate, telling me to hurry because the friend was ill and had gone to the car to wait. The upshot was that she lost the baby she'd been carrying on the way to the hospital because of the beating (one of many) she'd suffered right before she left on her trip to see us. She stayed with us for some time afterwards. I could see how changed she was from the vivacious woman I'd known for years previously. And it wasn't just from losing the baby. She actually had seemed all right with that. We thought her reaction was strange until the whole awful story came out. (And I saw her bruises one day when she was washing some laundry in our bathroom sink.) But she was broken somehow inside and far thinner and more fragile-looking outside than I'd ever seen her before. She divorced her husband as soon as she was able once she got back home. We haven't heard from her since. Her husband acted outraged, denied the entire story, accused her of drug abuse and some really crazy things and remarried quickly. We had really liked him before all this happened. He'd seemed so very nice and we had known him even longer than his wife, so it was a real surprise. But we believed HER. Since he had no incentive to change, I suspect he abused his new wife too, but we lost track of him soon after.
[Added this today, which appeared in our "The Oregonian", Thursday, October 26, 2006, "Letters to the Editor":
"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TAKES LIFE
"Domestic violence is running wild in this country.
"My niece, Jessica Koon, was living in domestic violence and her family did not know it. Her family knew that she was struggling financially and sent her money. When she wanted to come home, her folks sent her bus tickets. She cashed them in.
"She was an adult and said she loved the man she was living with and had a child with, Christopher J. Johes. She said he loved her too. Jessica always felt it was her fault that Jones hit her...she had to try harder.
"That was the last conversation she had with her mother; "I need to try harder." He killed her a couple weeks later. At Jones' sentencing, he said that her family need to take the blame for Jessica's death because we "backed out of (her) life" ("Man sentenced to life for beating girlfrind to death," Oct. 20).
"We did all we could short of kidnapping her, and now we wish we could have done that, too. No, the blame lies squarely on Jones.
If you are living in a home where there is violence, get help, call someone--if nothing else, to get help for the person doing the violence." (GJB says: Call Police. Those guys won't do anger-management until THEY want it or the authorities make them.) "I pray that not one more person ends up the way our precious Jessica did.
"ANNE LEFTAULT
Apache Junction, Ariz"]
So, please leave the situation. Your boyfriend's sick. You can't fix him. You also have your daughter to consider. And even though you're a strong woman, it's hard to buck dynamics like that without a little help. If you are afraid, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for support.
Get out, get some good support, competent counseling and build a good life for yourself and your little daughter. You both deserve it. Please take care.
2006-10-26 15:57:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you like him yet does he love you? actual love isn't violent in any way shape or variety. Love is form and expertise, no rely what you're arguing approximately he should not be touching you! a actual guy walks away till now he turns into offended. Your guy has some anger administration matters. Its all approximately You and what you're keen to settle for! You permit him grow to be abusive to you, so now he thinks he can( be abusive to you)his "desirous to hit you" will grow to be him hitting you and probably extremely hurting you. the alternative is yours,initiate by way of loving your self extremely of him locate somebody which will raise you up no longer tear you down. life is to short LOVE and stay in PEACE stable success.
2016-11-25 01:34:57 · answer #2 · answered by mcmorris 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Break it off NOW! I know you think you love him but you will get over it. The situation will only get worse.
2006-10-23 18:24:13 · answer #3 · answered by jrsygrl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are just the type of gal who will get bashed up one day real bad and who will tell the cops that you still luv your guy.
maybe deep inside you, you like being treated like less then nothing....??
if not, change right away before he really hits your *** off real bad or even shoots you who knows?
2006-10-23 18:19:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
RUN, and don't look back. Without professional help he will only get worse.
2006-10-23 18:23:52 · answer #5 · answered by MR HENRY S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well shy girl leave him he is a stupid person i liked your av tar so try to contact me i don't argue
2006-10-23 18:36:01 · answer #6 · answered by richi_richer2007007007 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
RUN, don't walk away from that relationship, it will only get worse.
2006-10-23 18:20:16 · answer #7 · answered by Jack1234 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋