I have a serious problem with my daughter-in-law and son.?

Question

I asked a question about this a while back and from the answers I received, I agreed that I needed to talk to my son. The problem was that my daughter-in-law has been rude, snotty and difficult to get along with from the beginning (married son 3years..they married young). Since their first child was born a year ago, she has become unbearable. I have never said or done anything to her or about her. I've always told her that I love & respect her. I've given them their space, money & lots of love. A few months ago, she really stepped up the nastiness. She has become even colder to me. As if that was not bad enough, I recently caught her in a big lie (that really hurt me) & she retalitated by not coming over any more. Okay...talked to my son and hoped things would get better, but he went & told her God knows what! Now her & her parents (they live with them) have banned me from their lives. I can't see my grandson, and I'm told I'll never see them.Please help.I am despondent & so depressed.

No, I've not done something along the way to tick her off. She is snotty to everyone. I've done so much for her. More than any human should have to do. I give them space, I don't bug them, I buy things for them or give them money when they need it. I do not give them advice. I have apologized to her when she was angry with me, which is all of the time. She gets upset with me if I hug her, upset if I give her too much space. On and on. For three years I have tried to build a bond with her, but it has not worked. Need an example? She gets mad at me if I arrive to pick her up 10 minutes early for a ride to the business that I opened just for her because she wanted it so badly...not normal. So please..no answers telling me to apologize anymore. Been there many times. Right now the only thing I care about is seeing my son and grandson, which I am not allowed to do. Even her mother is "in" on it & yelled obscenities at me when I went there to speak with my son. Please..only real answers.

UPDATE

So much wonderful advice. I can't thank all of you enough. Especially right now when I feel like my world has shattered and my heart melted, hearing kind words at least gives me hope.

I took advice and talked to my son again. It wasn't easy to be allowed to talk to him. He said he can't see me for at least a year, maybe longer. He needs to stay loyal to his wife. I am hurt beyond hurt, but, I didn't really expect any more. It will be especially difficult to not see my beautiful grandson. Some one advised to get on with my life. I have no choice, so I will.
If there is anyone out there who needs a "mom" to talk to, I'm here. I have lots of love to give.

Answer 1

How awful for you, my heart goes out to you. What on earth did your son say, doesn't he have control over his own life honestly he needs to get some balls and tell you what is exactly is going afterall he must know. the daughter in law sounds like a nightmare but she must give your son a reason for the rudeness surely. Speak to your son again and ask him exactly what her problem is I mean they can't hurt you anymore than you are now. There must be some reason and if your son is not man enough to tell you well I suppose you will have to give it time and do the best you can, and that means taking care of yourself try to look at it as their lose but keep sending your grandson birthday cards etc and maybe in time and I truly hope this doesn't happen he will be old enough to make up his own mind.
Look after yourself,
God Bless

Answer 2

Daughter In Law Problems

Answer 3

Difficult Daughter In Law

Answer 4

I know exactly how you feel! First off don't be a bank anymore.They will only use and abuse and will not learn how to budget if you continually help.Next time when you do get together just concentrate on the relationship with your son and grandson. Speak to her but don't confront or involve yourself in their problems.If you know she is lying just keep it to yourself. That is their problem. If she lies to you you must consider if your hurt feelings are worse or not seeing your grandson and son is worse. You can put up with a lot for them! Eventually your son will see how she really is and that you haven't changed from being his loving mom.You cannot be involved with their marriage, debts, fights, etc. but invite them for meals or a day and keep things nice and easy.Just tell them, together at the same time so they can not hear an embellished story after it has been told a couple of times, them that if you give them money or advice then it makes you take sides and makes you feel uncomfortable and you would rather have a nice relationship with no strings/$/lies/arguments attached!! I wish you luck and best wishes!

Answer 5

I assure you there is nothing you can do as long as her parents are that close. Your son, sorry about what I am about to say, seems to be a big part of the trouble as well.
Allow time to pass, they will sooner or later will return into your life. They first need to get away from her parents.
If her side of the family has money then they are staying where the money is. Sooner or later your son will need a favor...it's up to you what you do then. Forget your daughter in law, she will always be a problem. What goes around comes around, so all their days will come.
You don't cut children off from their grandparents and not get a bad responce from the kids now and down the road in time. Children will grow up sooner or later speaking of your son/his wife. Until then, be Thankful when the ----hits the fan with her family, you are not in the lime light. Give it time it will happen.

Answer 6

I wonder why your son would tell her about the conversation? I wonder why she has such a hold over him? Do you think your son is really happy being with her? In any case there is more to the story than they are telling you.

Unfortunately, at this point, you cannot force the issue. It will only make matters worse. As hard as it will be, you will have to stay away. But I would make an attempt to speak with her parents, if you have not already done this. I think with a little time things will change a bit.

You should seek help from a mental health professional. It does not mean that you are crazy. A good therapist can help you to reinforce your coping skills. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

It is horrible, isn t it? I know how you feel. My daughter-in-law is heartless. My son is in the middle trying to keep his family together and be the father to his three children. I admire him for that, and as heartbreaking as it is, I understand it is better for the grandkids to have their father in their lives. I have steped back, again. The last time, I didn t see them for 5 years. They were too young to know better. This time they are 10, 8, and 4, and we all love each other so much. I worry that the kids will grow to hate me, or at the least, wonder why I m not around any more. Prayer has helped my heart and soul. Try to stay focused on the happy things in your life. Keep busy. I keep a journal that I allow no more than 5 minutes a day to write down what I want to say to them. That way, if I pass away before I can see them again, they can read about my love for them. Best wishes, and take good care, Terry

Answer 8

I'd set up a casual meeting, maybe lunch, with your daughter in law and express your feelings. Be reasonable and explain how you feel to her. Also talk to your son. Make sure you all are on the same page. If this doesn't help, you may be better off without them. (sorry to say that, but there are things you really don't have a control over. I personally feel that it is also your son's JOB to strenghten things out between you and his wife. I am wondering why he isn't bothered by the whole thing. He should be the one who is concerning right now.)

Answer 9

Wow! I can understand why you are so upset. I'm sure you are going to get a wide variety of answers on this one-- everything from "tell her off", to "puncture her car tires." I don't know if you are religious at all, but as a Christain, I look to the Lord in situations like this. Only He can change her heart toward you. If you take the high road and continue to love her, she'll eventually probably see the error of her ways. The Bible says that treating your enemies with kindness is like pouring burning coals on their head! Since blood is thicker than water, I'm sure your son won't let this go much longer without some intervention. Maybe some professional counseling would be in order with your son involved.

Answer 10

First off...she must have really done a number on your son for him to actually allow this to go on. He is your son, and you have every right to see your grandson. To be honest, I think she pretty much has him wrapped around her finger, and uses petty threats and lies about you in order to get him to do as she wants him to.

You, in turn, need to put your foot down and stop allowing them to walk all over you. If they refuse you visitation, then maybe it's time to get a laywer and start legal action against them. Or perhaps getting them to go to counceling, if they even agree to go in the first place. I know he is your son...but he sure doesn't act like it. I am sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope that things work out for you...without going to court. Also, if they are spreading negative things about you...your grandson will also pick up those negative lies and will grow believing that his grandparent never loved him, etc. So take action as soon as you can to try and stop this.