Constructive Criticism?

Question

Okies, so I wrote this for some anthology thing.. Tell me what you think... I welcome constructive criticism, oof, and please tell me what ideas or what pictures it puts across. =)

''Sufficiently Overdosed by your touch,
Perfectly Intoxicated with your affection,
Intensely Suffocated with your kiss,
Extremely Overpowered by your eyes.
Amazingly Stranded in your arms,
Sufficiently, Perfectly, Intensely,
Extremely, Amazingly, Dangerously
...In Love''

Well, yeah, constructive criticism, be honest now! Lol.

Answer 1

It seems to me to be too scattered. Let me explain.

You start most of the lines with terms that sound vaguely technical. "Sufficiently overdosed", for example, is something I'd expect an examiner or a policeman to say. Yet we lose this thread as the poem progresses... I cannot imagine those people using the word 'amazingly' in a report. So while it starts with that impression, it sort of goes away.

Likewise, I get that analytical impression again when you summarize your adjectives again. In order. And all with capitals for emphasis. Yet again the remainder of the poem doesn't exactly speak of analysis.

The remainder of your poem relates to your love, and it's inconsitant even in this. Sometimes it's 'by', sometimes 'with', and sometimes 'in'. Which may seem like a small difference, but one implies action on your love's part, one cooperation, and one happenstance. We're all over the map here. Is she complicit, or not? We'll never know.

And to make matters worse, in the end you throw all those capitals at us and combine the negative senses with a squishy happy word like 'love'. It's confusing at best.

So there are a few different ways I think you can go with this.

If you want muddled feelings, you need to muddle them much more. Downplay the logic and structure a lot more. You've already blown off rhyme and meter, I'd recommend discarding more grammar as well. Don't capitalize anything (Your Left Brain Wants To Capitalize - Don't Listen To It). Maybe lay off the punctuation too. And I'm not sure those prepositions or the summary are even necessary. You might want to experiment with unusual indentation schemes and spread your lines across several lines. Now THAT'S muddled, and it still gets the point across.

On the other hand, if you're trying to portray the disconnect between the rational and the emotional, then you need to connect things a little better. In this case, it IS your left brain speaking. You need to clear up who is doing the acting in this case... do you want to be your love's victim, or the victim of your instincts? You should also make the progressions more logical. For example, eyes and affection usually precede kissing and touching... try to order those as they might occur in a relationship or in a single encounter. Your initial adjectives should also increase in subjective intensity as well so we get more of a building feeling. You'll also need to be much more careful with your verbs: being suffocated is something that is almost always done to you by something else, which being stranded is something that almost always happens by yourself.

On the other, other hand, if you're trying to portray the agonizing intensity of physical attraction with some irony, then I think you've got the entire poem backwards. Instead of describing your reaction first and the stimulus second, you should provide the stimulus, let the audience summon an idea, and then hammer it to the side with your unpleasant-sounding description of the same thing. You might want to use dashes or colons to more empasize the stimulus-response link instead of just making sentances.

All in all, your work seems somewhat evocative, it's just a little all over the place for me. Still, you have the potential for a number of good poems in here... pick one and get on it! ( :

Answer 2

beneficial criticism is criticism kindly meant that has a purpose of recuperating some component of yet another’s individual’s existence or artwork. in lots of circumstances beneficial criticism refers particularly to the critique of somebody else’s written or inventive artwork, in in step with risk a instructor/scholar placing, that could enable that individual to extra advance the artwork or to advance their physique of recommendations to destiny endeavors. notwithstanding, beneficial criticism can be conscious to a serious reasoned prognosis of a individual’s habit, as in a affected person/therapist placing or a team medical care placing. mom and dad additionally attempt to hire beneficial criticism to assist their toddlers advance their lives.

Answer 3

this is phenomenal there is nothing to criticize about this. the idea it puts across is that you are really deeply, madly in love and the picture it puts across is well long walk on at nite on the beach

Answer 4

I think this speaks volumes......
My only suggestion is to add a line to coincide with "Dangerously".....

other than that, this is beautiful.

Answer 5

Big words confuse me. LOL! i really liked it you sound really smart!

Answer 6

I like it...