Well, my husband and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have an 18 month old daughter. It seems here recently, that he's not really wanted much to do with me. We been going through spells like this for around 4 -5 months. Only now, our sex life has almost come to a stop. I caught him looking at porn, the sad part, I was laying right there on the couch and this isn't the first time. So he wants to look at porn, but not have sex. I try to talk to him and he says, "y is it so important?" I remember he use to get mad at me when I didn't want to, so what's up with that? what guy says that anyway. He's told me since the first time that I was the best he'd ever had. The other day he said that it was the same thing over and over, then yesterday he said that there was to much stress about it. I'm sexualy frustrated. I'm confused, do u think he's cheating or not interested anymore? He has to go to Iraq soon, is he just really stressed? I change things up, I'm very flesible, is it me?
2006-10-23 14:32:19 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i don't think it is you , he is prob. worried about going off to fight. there has been alot of death over there this month alone an he is most likely stressed. just tell him you want to be close again before he leaves for the war. who could not listen to that....tell him of your worries. ignore the porn for now.
2006-10-23 14:35:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's probably not you. It's him. You have allowed him to fall into unhealthy sexual habits and it is having a negative effect on him, making him depressed and sexually feeble. You need to lay down the law, especially as you two get older.
The issue here is porn. The problem with porn and masturbation is that is is lazy, yet draining and unhealthy. When a guy is young, this doesn't matter much. But as he gets older, his ability to tolerate self abuse drops, sometimes dramatically. A sexual encounter with a real live woman can last hours and there are physiological effects that actually energize both the man and the woman. These are absent with porn, which only drains you. Worse, masturbating is easy and fast. A man can drain himself several times a day doing that where the same thing with sex would take hours and hours. People typically don't have that kind of time so they have sex and then they go through a period of abstinence from hours, to days before they have sex again. During that time, the man's energy builds up again. But when he is absuing porn, the build up doesn't happen. Every time he gets a little bit of energy, he masturbates and out it goes. Before long, actual sex becomes too much effort. Not good. Over extended periods of time, this can even cause impotence. When he actually goes to have sex, he can't. Worse, is the effect this has on his mood. It drains away the hormones and neurotransmitters in his body resulting a lack of energy and very often, symptoms of depression. He can become irritable, even irrational. He feels weak and can't martial his will to do anything (lies around on the couch watching TV whenever he isn't forced to be at work or some other necessary task).
The solution is getting him to give up the porn and practice periods of abstinence....usually not more than a few days at a time, and then have good sex. This cycle of building up energy before having good sex is a part of a healthy sex life.
2006-10-23 21:45:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it can also depend on age. If he's is older he could be going through a mid life crisis. Does he drink? That could have an impact on your relationship. You said you have a daughter, after the pregnancy did you keep the wieght on or have you been able to get back to your regular wieght? Has he been to Iraq before, or will this be his first time? I don't think it's you from what youv'e said. Remember though, that people change wether youy want them to or not. When he asks why it's such a big deal, TELL him. Men use that sentence to catch us off gaurd. If you have to, write him a letter! becarefull with your wording but let him know how you feel. Don't make him feel stupid and don't ever threaten to leave! Don't say anything that would hurt you if he said it to you. You might want start by changing the way you interact with eachother. maybe the way you speak to each other isn't the right way, like too harsh. maybe start hanging out more. Find a babysitter and make plans for something special for you both to do. Not saying that you do, but try not to nag (as men put it) as much. try praising him, like saying thanks for helping me with this, or you look nice to day. I'm not saying to be nice to him even if he's a complete asshole, but if you want a good relationship in the end it's not going to matter who started being nice first or who lost all the arguments. It works. I've had a few bumpy rides in my relationship but it's fantastic right now.. good luck to you beautiful.
2006-10-23 22:05:25 · answer #3 · answered by mistalina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is trying to detach himself from you. I don't think he is cheating and I don't think he isn't interested. Stress plays such a big role in a sex life. He has a lot on his plate right now and I'm sure he is terrified about leaving you and your daughter for I'm guessing 18 months. I wouldn't put too much into the porn thing, I can't tell you how many times I've caught my husband looking at it. He just likes to watch it and nothing more. It's a man thing :) I think what would be a good thing right now is to just be together and bond, put sex to the side for a bit, get yourself a toy if ya need to, but just love him. He is leaving soon, just be there to support him. Tell him that you're there for him with what ever it is he needs.
2006-10-23 21:40:54 · answer #4 · answered by ~*~frankie~*~ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! It sounds like on top of having the stress of a young child and the stress of your husband having to go to Iraq, you two haven't really been connecting. I think that stress plays a BIG role in seeing a downturn in a person's sex life. I think that him looking at porn is probably just a stress reliever. So...it sounds to me like the answer is for you to spice things up a little in the bedroom. I think he's interested, but probably feels what a lot of married couple feel from time to time, that the fire has gone out of the relationship. Maybe you can try wearing a sexy outfit, maybe putting on an adult movie in your bedroom and seducing him? That might just be the thing that you two need to get back into the swing of a healthy sex life...ESPECIALLY since he will be leaving soon, you want him to leave with a smile on his face!
2006-10-23 21:39:53 · answer #5 · answered by missapparition 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok...A lot of men find themselves in the situation he is in. for whatever reason, he is disapointed with his life. He probably thought things would be different and now that they are not, he is looking for answers. And naturally, men, think it is because of sex. So you probably rocked his world at one time, but not the newness is not new anymore, so the typical male will either cheat, or look at porn. It is common and there is a solution
The solution is.....your man probably feels alone, he probably feels lke he is a failure because his life isn't what he expected and there is absolutely no one a man can talk to about that. He won't come to you about it because he is afraid you will judge him and he will feel more like a failure. He has to still be 'your man' . What you can do? Tell him that you love him no matter what happens or what will happen. He has to be able to trust you with anything. So let him know that you have noticed things have changed and you want to talk to him about it if he wants to and he can tell you anything and you won't judge him because you love him and that is what marriage is....a team. It won't be easy he wil deny it and fight it, but be strong and sacrifice yourself a little. You are a woman, you are strong. Acknowlege his ego and don't attack it. And don't say 'midlife crisis'....that will release the A-bomb.
practice unconditional love
Oh and the 'Wise One' up above me......You create too much of a void and he will think it is over and go get it else where.
2006-10-23 21:44:58 · answer #6 · answered by tightlies 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this is a toughie and no one can really answer it....it could be because he has to go to iraq...thats hard on a person...but you said the spells ahve been going on for 4 or 5 months.....so i dunno....it could be anything.....you should just focus on your daughter and your well being...(im not saying cheat because he might not be cheating..invest in toys or some thing www.adameve.com) But really focus on your mental health and being there for your kid, because when he comes back home from iraq, he could be a totally different man (either better or worse) the best thing to do is stop worrying, remain affectionate (think about how he feels about up and leaving with a possibility of not coming back) and prepare for the worst, because when 'the worst' doesnt happen youll be a lot more grateful..but he might be totally different and more distand when he comes home....he might be closer because he missed you guys....no one can really answer this one..
2006-10-23 21:39:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all dont blame yourself. Men are unpredictable at the best of times. Your probably feeling as though u just dont do ti for him, but its not that. Otherwise you wouldnt be there where you both are today. U need to ask yourself did u ever give him the impression that u werent interested in having sex recently... Cos this may have hurt his pride.
I think u should surprize him with a naughty evening with the two fo you. Get a babysitter, Get into your sexiest underwear, and do the things that used to blow his mind. If this doesnt work, then You really need to find out whats bothering him... Good luck
2006-10-23 21:39:29 · answer #8 · answered by Elena 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds a little like the problem I'm having with my significant other. He said the same thing stress, but I haven't seen him watching porn. He'll come around. It may just be stress. I don't know what else to say. I'm sticking around and if he wants to make love to me then horray, otherwise I'm not going to stress him more about it. Sex is important in a relationship but being for that person is much more important then sex.
2006-10-23 21:37:22 · answer #9 · answered by missdontgivafukusa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A new baby can change your relationship more than you are willing to admit. Are you the one who is the main care-taker of your baby? If so, your husband may feel left out. You should clearly let him know how you feel when he watches porn. If he ignores what you feel, then you have something to think about. There are usually a lot of signs if the man is cheating, sometimes women intentionally ignores them. I think if your husband is not cheating and he is pulling way from you out of jealousy (of the baby) and frustration (baby changing everything in your life), then you need to be the hero and try to make things better. You need to straighten this up before he leaves, otherwise, you will be even more distant later. Hope this helps. Good luck!
2006-10-23 21:44:41 · answer #10 · answered by Hualan L 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it could be a number of things but if he is leaving to go to Iraq that could be the problem that it's very hard for a man to leave his family not knowing if he will return or not we as a wife and a mom some time can't understand what stress a man goes through, and women in the military having to leave there loved ones, when my husband was in Vietnam i was so scared but thank god he came home and he was okay.maybe before he leaves get a sitter and the both of you go out so you can talk and enjoy the time you have now, hope it all works out for the both of you and for your baby.
2006-10-23 21:47:51 · answer #11 · answered by lipsmackinghotauntie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋