Unruly teenager! what should I do?

Question

My second son is 16 years old, and for the passed year he has been going from bad to worse, he tests my patience all the time. He lies to my face, he drinks when I let him out, he steals ie money & mobile phones or what ever he can get.
He is cheeky, and I keep telling him "someday your mouth will get your jaw broke" on the other hand he can be loving and funny full of kindness.
Is it my fault he's like this? Is it a part of growing up?
I concider myself as an understanding young mum of 5 kids, I have 1 older than him, (18) he has never given me half the trouble as this 1.

Answer 1

well, he's obviously testing his boundaries. i'd say simply be honest, follow through, and don't be wishy washy. if you say "if you steal, your phone will be taken away", do it. don't scream, cuz it'll only make things worse.... i don't know! teenagers are confusing, man!

Answer 2

Oh hunny I truly feel sorry for you, you seem to have got the bad end of teenage angst from your lad. From what you have told me, I would probably say he is severely acting out. As a middle child myself I know I did the worst out of me and my three siblings (three older girls and a younger boy). It must be a middle child thing I reckon! It is most defintely not your fault, it is a product of being in a large family and being second eldest.

One of the most important things you must understand is that he is at an age where he is struggling to decide whether he is a man or still a boy. He probably doesn't feel like a boy anymore, but I suspect his older brother's presence makes him feel he is not a man either. He can't be man of the house cos there already is one.

I would also say that he is testing you to see how far you will let him take things. Just remeber that he isn't a child anymore and taking his phone is not going to do anything. If he is stealing from his family, he will not think twice about stealing from strangers. The best thing you can do is sit him down and talk to him about why he is doing this and what he thinks he is proving. If he can't amend his behaviour then you may have to resort to shock tactics. If he continues to steal then report him. If he is giving you lip give it right back and better. Treat him how a stranger would and show him how is behaviour will be perceived in the real world. I must say that this is a last resort tactic, but it should work. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Unfortunately some teenagers can be total pains and think they have done the world some sort of favor. My brother has a teenage son who always is in fights and is very disrespectful. My brother recently took away all his luxuries, doesn't give him pocket money and makes him earn money through chores around the house. Even after this didn't work, my brother told him he is only letting him stay in the house until he is not old enough to work. Next year his son gets his national insurance number allowing him to work so he said he was gonna throw him out. There has been a big change in the boy. Try it. Although as you say he is "unruly with your fiance" i wonder if his feelings for his dad has anything to do with his resentment, in which case you need to address this situation with him. Good luck.

Answer 4

The second one is always the hardest. Try and get some leaflets on the affects alcohol can have on his physical and mental health .Also ask him to consider how he would feel if one of his siblings had money or personal belongings taken off them by strangers in the street.I bet he will answer that he would want to thump them, then ask him to put himself in the position of the people who he is stealing from and their families and how angry they must feel. Explain to him that you care and that you are worried about his well being. Also that you dont want to see him letting himself or you down as you feel he is worth more than this. He can have a good future if he chooses the right road, or he can end up going to a young offenders institute which he most certainly wont like. Ask him what his future ambitions are, not to spoil himself by acting foolishly now which he may regret in later life.
It is not your fault, just let him know that you will support him and help him make the right decisions. Obviously he sounds as though he has got a caring nature. Ask him open questions let him agree and plan a more positive way forward. Hope this will help in some small way.

Answer 5

A friend of mine had a really unruly son and took him to the local police station and asked if they would lock him in a cell for a couple of hours so he would really understand where his behaviour could lead. He toned down his behaviour from that day forward and has never been in any kind of trouble as a teenager or a young man. I don't know if this would work with a young teenager, or even if you could get him to your local cop shop, but it might be worth a try. I would think a few hours in a cold cell without his mobile, ipod, shoelaces, etc would put any young person on the straight and narrow, particularly if the police did speak to him like he was a criminal, at 16 most young boys are really not that flash around coppers and I doubt he would want to brag to his friends about nearly pissing himself with fear!

Answer 6

i think the answer regarding chemical imbalance may be on to something.... certainly if possilbe, get him tested for dietry deficiences... i know this can often be a root problem. if he is substance abusing it will most likely be the problem.

alot of people are saying being strict... but i don't agree... he has a mind of his own, and it jsut won't mean anything to him.
so he wants to be an adult... treat him like one, take the view that you are helping achieve his goal to be an adult... if he steals, report him to the police. if you can get them to bang him up for a few days with some real crims... that might knock some sense in to him. also make sure he does a s stint in a rehab centre (holiday job or saturday job) so he gets a full eye ball on what drugs do to people. also meeting and talking to policemen will probably be a good experience for him... many of them where rebels before they joined the force and will know what he is going through.

bottom line, i think there is a point where kids (or at least some kids) don't want to be taught by parents and will rebel regardless. they will accept it from other people though.... it is a matter of finding the right experiences for them so that they will learn positive lessons as opposed to negitive ones... and this is all taylored to the individual. the hardest thing for you is to let go and let him have those experiences, and be there when he wants to talk about it. what ever happens, if you fight him, he is going to fight you right back and no one will win.

good luck!!!!

Answer 7

i have given my mother so much unecessary grief. usually it was a cry for help when i didnt even no myself. i wouldnt let anyone in.even now i find it difficult. ur son is no doubt hanging around with the wrong kind of ppl. try and casually bring him out for the day, spend some time together without him thinking hes in for what i call "the chat". then when hes comfortable talk about ur youth what u and ur friends did or didnt get up to and how sometimes u wished things had been different. he has choices to make but hes scared. say ul b ther for him no matter what but what hes doing is effecting not just him but the whole family. he needs responsibility, a father figure as such so if ur not married ask one of ur guy friends to maybe take him on board,
dont blame urself, u sound like a great mom.at least u care!usually its peer pressure outside the home but dont get angry with him, he'l bak away if u do. set rules he needs them. all the best

Answer 8

Well it has been said that no two children are ever the same!! You are not to blame - its just a phase he's going through, trying to find his independence, not to mention the raging hormones! Being a teenager today is twice as hard as it used to me, so many more pressures on our kids today. If you don't condone stealing then don't put up with it, make him realise there will be consequences if he does. Follow through! At the same time you need to let him him know you love him but stick to your guns. You know the old saying, gotta be cruel to be kind. he probably won'd understand a word of it now, but when he's older he'll be thankful he had such a caring mum xx

Answer 9

Tell him YOU have a problem and you need his help to put it right. Ask him to come for a walk with you if you can't get a quiet space at home. DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE OR ARGUE

Start off by telling him you're unhappy because you want him to be happy but you're afraid he's going to end up by cheating himself out of a happy future because of the things he's doing now. If he says 'What things?' just say 'you don't need me to tell you, your an intelligent person, you know'

Tell him that you think there's something that's making him unhappy and angry. Try to get him to tell you what it is. Ask him if he's being bullied by anyone. Ask him if you are the problem and if he says 'yes' then ask him what he would like you to do to make him happy.

Tell him you respect him being an adult and you really don't want to get involved in what he does or doesn't do any more. Tell him he is free to do whatever he wants because he is an adult and he knows what is acceptable behaviour and what is notl

KEEP YOUR VOICE SOFT - DO NOT SOUND AGGRESSIVE

But tell him that it is his choice to make decisions, but he will have to learn to live with any problems he creates for himself.

Tell him that you love him and that is why you have tried to help him behave in a responsible way, but maybe now it's time for you to just be there if he needs and wants your advice. Tell him you will not interfere anymore because he's a young adult and must make his own decisions.

Ignore his lies - he'll stop eventually, don't restrict his movements at all and if he drinks when he's out then just wait until he gets really drunk and sicks up - he won't do that again too quickly.

If he steals money you must make sure that the family money is secure where he can't steal it. If he steals other people's telephones and money there must be a purpose. Perhaps he's selling them on to raise money for something. If he's cheeky introduce some humour - don't give a serious response - he'll get fed up eventually.

You never know, one day he might even come home with a bunch of flowers for you when he realises that you are on his side and letting him learn how to grow up without interfering unless he asks for advice.

You just have to end by telling him again that you love him and that you don't want the stress of having to get involved in his life. Then ask him if he minds if you 'butt out' because that would solve your problem and he can relax and do his own thing because he's old enough now to look after himself.

He is rebelling against something. Do try and gently ease out of him what it is that.s making him so angry and unhappy.

Answer 10

I know a woman who had a child like that when he was a teenager. He spent 2 years in jail, until he was 18, now he's married with a child and has made it thru all of that. He's a pretty good person.

I think parenting has a lot to do with it. He needs a spanking and some time to spend at home with you. Don't let him out of the house until he can behave. you have to be strong, and sit him down and tell him that what he's doing is going to land him in prison, or worse. If you are working, you need to take time off of work to deal with your child. If you can't, then I suggest you just start spending more time with him. Let him have a party at the house, meet all of his friends, and let him tell you things that he would normally get in trouble for, and don't punish him for telling you things. He needs to feel like he has a friend at home, and a mother. JUST LAY DOWN THE LAW.

Answer 11

I have a few sugestions. First, being one of many syblings, I know that I sometimes do stupid stuff for my parents attention. Could this be it.

Cussing cant hurt anyone. let that be, but let him know that some girls dont like to introduce him to there father like that.

Drinking: Have a drink with him yourself. Or two. Make him think that since you do it, its no longer cool for him to do it.

The steeling money: Make him a deal, and lock up your purse somewhere. Tell him that if he does the dishes 2 times a week, takes the garbage out 1 time, cleans his room...etc, etc he can have 50 dollars. But, make it a reasonable amount.

I dont wanna be the bear of bad news but if he is stealing money, do you know where it is going? Maybe drugs if he steel alot... Call his friends parents and search his room, but remember that when you search his room, you are on a mission and that mission only. You are not in there to find a bunch of crap on him.