I found out that my husband was cheating on me after 4 years of Marriage.?

Question

I found out april 17,2006, but he lied to me and told me it wan't true. July 26 (the day after my Birthday) He finially told me that he had cheated. I have given him all of this time to tell my the truth about every thing and to stop lying to me. But I really feel like he is still lying. There are just things that don't add up right. Deep down I think that I really love him, but when I look at him I get sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. I told him about three weeks ago that I didn't want to be with him anymore, but he has no place to go, and I don't have a job to take care of me and my two little girls. HELP me I am going CRAZY. We are still living together, and every night he comes home from work and acts like nothing ever happend. please some one give me some advice.

I forgot to mention that He works for my parents and that they knew he was cheating. but didn't tell me. That is why I won't go live with family

Answer 1

I went through this and even if you forgive him, you will resent him. There is no middle ground here, either you are going to forgive him and get over it (or else you will continue to go crazy and drive him and the kids crazy in the process), or you have to leave and move on with your life. It sounds like tough love, but having gone through this exact experience and 5 yrs of the same argument, trust me that you have to decide what you are going to do and stick to it.

If you forgive, do just that. Dont bring it up anymore, dont argue about it, dont ask questions, just let it go and try to forget it ever happened. Start over from the day you choose to forgive him, and know that if he does do it again you have no choice but to leave.

If you choose to move on, you have to do just that. No phone calls (except to discuss the kids), no visits, no dating, no nooky, no nothing. Move on with your life, get friends, and stay busy.

You say he doesn't have a place to go, and you dont have any source of income. If you have family, go to them for help. Childcare is a big expense, and if you can get help with that you will be able to make a living for you and your children, and not worry about them so much while you are gone. If you dont have family, you have to make him responsible so that you can create a life for you and your kids. If he cant keep them, he has to pay for it.

You shouldn't be so concerned with him having a place to stay. I am sure he has someone that will let him sleep on their floor. If not, he has a car I am sure. Did he care about your heart? You need your heart to live. If your heart doesn't function well, you dont function well. That isn't fair for you to have to live with a broken heart, while he goes on like nothing happened.

But no one can make that decision for you. You have to decide what is best for you, and your children. Then stand by your decision.

Answer 2

It's easy for all these people to say "Get a divorce", but let's talk about what makes a marriage, and what does not:

Relationships/ marriages are made up of four things: Admiration, respect, passion and trust. If the trust goes, the rest of it will too, unless you can restore the trust. If the hurt isn't too deep or too lasting, get yourselves into counseling -- that is, if you wish to save it. The average time for trust to return, even with lots of help, is at least two years. Some people just figure that that is way too long, that they have invested enough time, and hey, infidelity is the biggest betrayal of all, why bother? To best figure out where his head is, you need a mediator -- someone who can help you sort out the issues without the whole thing falling into a shouting match. There are non-confrontational ways to get at the core of things, that you and he undoubtedly are not skilled enough to do..... so the $$ for a session is one well spent.

Does your marraige have anything worth saving? Do you still care? Does he? And has he told you that he will continue to screw around, or is he genuinely sorry?

These are questions only the two of you know answers to...
In the meantime, every lady should have Plan B which includes a skill with which she can earn a living, money socked away for emergencies, even if she is convinced she'll never need it. You should be back in school or in a course where you can learn a skill that pays well. Never, never, sweetie, think that just because you are a mom, you should be supported.... that is way toooooo much power over you......If you have no way to support yourself, and you are unwilling to, then, sweetie, you are powerless........

Answer 3

Sorry about your situation. You have already told him that you don't want to be with him anymore. If that is still true and it doesn't look like your feelings are going to change, then you need to start planning immediately. Your stress levels will go down if you take action, no matter how small the steps may be. If it is necessary to stay with him for now because you have no real alternatives in the short run, then make that a firm choice in your mind. Don't run out and become homeless. Make him continue to support you and the girls. Get totally immersed in planning your new life. That is how you can make it day-by-day until your are ready to split. Whether your plan is ready in a month or a year, you can stop from going crazy by taking charge of your life from this moment on.

Answer 4

If you want to stay with him you both need to go to counseling. Forgiveness is essential if you want to stay together. You have to both acknowledge why he cheated and address the real issues. I don't encourage divorce, but if you do decide to separate, don't even think about him not having a place to go. You need to really get in touch with what it is you want to do, set some goals and work toward them. The first one would be to find a job that pays a little better so that you can take care of your two little girls. Ultimately he will have to pay child support, but I suspect he will not pay, and that will be a constant battle with the court system.... If you have a church or something similar, I would suggest you first start with someone there for some individual counseling, then counseling for the both of you.

Answer 5

I'm sorry, that is a tough situation. I know how much it hurts when your forced to remain with the person you love but can no longer trust or feel close to. Without trust there can be no marriage. The fact that he comes home each night and acts like everything is normal has to just drive you nuts. The best thing you can do is go talk to a lawyer. As a stay at home mother you should be able to get enough alimony and child support to continue to survive without your husband.

Answer 6

You should really think about what was said and how much of it you believe to be a lie. Lying doesn't make you trust him any more. I have been through the same thing, just not married. I hope you open your eyes and don't get too wrapped up. If you feel like it doesn't add up, it probably doesn't. Try asking him something you have already asked in the past and see if he gives you the same answer. This may help to trap the liar.

Answer 7

What do you want? Decide what you want (either a divorce, or to stay together) and procede accordingly. You need to make a decision about what you want and how you want to live. If it's a divorce, you'll need to discuss the particulars with your husband and probably a lawyer. If you decide to stay together, you'll probaby need some marital counseling to rebuild the relationship and trust.
You might not be able to decide today, but you can tell yourself you will decide after the holidays, or next week.
Meanwhile, until you decide what you need to do, you need to provide a calm, secure, stable home for the kids- so for their sake, pretend things are fine. No drama, no emotional crying, screaming or fighting. Just decide when you'll decide, and focus on being a good mom until then.

Answer 8

Wow, that is tough. I know alot of people are gonna tell you to kick him to the curb. But It is not that easy in real life.

What you need to do is make up your mind. You can't stay with him and pretend everything is ok. If you let him walk all over you he will do it again and again and soon won't even hide it.

I guess you need to find out where you can go or tell him he needs to get out. Take the kids and go to a family members house and file for divorce. Get child support and try to move on if that is what you decide.

If you truly think it can be mended then you can try, but it doesn't sound like he is too remorseful

Answer 9

it's going to take some time.......but go find a job, or two if you have too. save your money. start taking the steps towards your own life and become more independent from him. you have to do it for your girls. you will probably never learn to trust him again, so right now, don't think of "working it out". it will just hurt you in the long run. cheating is like a death sentence to marriage. it the worst feeling and virtually impossible to get over. so it's probably best if you just pick up the pieces of your life and move forward without him. DO NOT LET HIM BLAME YOU THOUGH FOR HIS CHEATING!!!! for some reason, cheaters never own up to what they've done. they blame it on the spouse......which is just a bunch of bull. be strong for your girls. distance yourself from him. and as time goes by, you'll discover yourself again. you'll rise above the pain. and if he is serious about his commitment to you, to get therapy and truly be the husband he should've been, and if you still love him, then consider going back. but you need to be 100% sure he is willing to commit himself to you and your marriage.

Answer 10

The surest way to lose you husband and marriage is to believe he is still lying to you. It will show in your actions and manner. A lot of people figure "if I'm getting heat for it anyway, I may as well do it" Try sitting down with him and laying it out plain, "Yes, I love you, but if this is what it is about, I deserve to know so I can figure out what my options are at this point." Coming across non-judgemental will promote honesty on his part. You could also remind him that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but needs cutting anyway. In other words, you need to tend where you are, no matter WHERE you are. Good luck to you girl.