Help! Need advice on asking for a divorce?

Question

I am planning on asking my wife for a divorce after the holidays and am wondering about other people's experiences. What did you say? How did they respond? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Okay, here's some more detail. We have been in counseling for THREE years and, to put it simply, life is too short to be miserable. I realize that marriage vows are important, but sometimes it takes more courage to walk away from something than to fight for something that isn't worth fighting for. I'm simply asking for other people's experiences, not a sanctimonious lecture about values. My mother is an Episcopal deacon, my father-in-law is a Lutheran pastor and I have a Masters in Divinity from Yale, so trust me, I've struggled with this on more levels than you can possibly imagine.

Answer 1

I have never been divorced, so I cannot give you first hand experience.
I am however, as are many people today, a product of a divorced home.
My Father has had 6 wives, my mother only 2 husbands.
I suppose I am only saying to make sure you can't fix your marriage by any means before you give it up. If not, then I advise being gentle and fair with whatever you tell her, and good luck in your future.
this link had some interesting info, as well

well, after seeing your additional details, It is obvoius you have thought it out for a long time. I hope you don't get offended by people's answers, since so many people divorce at the drop of a hat, how were we to know if you were any different?
I suppose I can only tell you how I ended a very long relationship...It was not a marraige, but might as well have been since we lived together for 7 years. Anyway, I simply got to a similar point as you, and told him the truth. I told him I was unhappy, and needed to move on.
I stressed that nothing was his fault, and above all, I tried to be as gentle with him as I could, without leaving any Hope alive, which is the cruelest thing you can do. How he reacted vs how your wife will react, who knows?
Since you've been in long councilling, then she can't be too suprised by this, and may surprise YOU with relief at the idea.
This is a very hard thing you're going to do, probably harder than my experience, which was hard enough! But you're right, life is too short to be miserable.
I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Asking for a divorce is not an easy task. She will probably have some kind of reaction to it, but you have to bite the bullet. You should not stay in a marriage your not happy with. I have been there. All I said to my spouse was that I was not happy in the marriage and I was filing for divorce. My spouse was of course upset but at the same time there was still a mutual respect for each other. We have a marital agreement signed and notarized dividing up property and money. Just handle it as an adult not a child. Don't raise your voices at each other, talk calmly and show her respect. Divorce is hard enough try your best to make it as easy as you can. Make up an agreement.To make it a little easier if she wants to keep items you really could care less about just let her, After all they are just material things.

Answer 3

xxgq gave u some great advice! I am curious tho y wait until after the holidays, y prolong what is already a bad issue, to make nice? Its going to cause both of you pain no matter when you do it if you do it now you both might have some relief during the holidays. Three years of counseling is a long time and effort on both your parts talk to her she might surprise you and feel the same way! I too am divorced and it was easy because the marriage was just bad, all the effort in the world couldn't change it. It was relief for us. God bless i hope it works out for u!

Answer 4

If your mind is really made up then do not tell her you're THINKING about divorce or ask her what she thinks of the idea.

Tell her you need to let her know about a decision you've made about YOUR life. Tell her it's a decision that will have an impact on her life too, but that you are going to do what you can to make that impact on her as bearable as possible. Tell her you know it will cause you both some initial pain but that you're certain you'll BOTH be emotionally better off in the long run.

"Jane, I've decided I can't stay in the marriage any longer, I don't know of a kinder way of saying it. Ending the marriage is the right thing for both of us." Tell her you're sorry for your part of the failure, tell her you know neither of you has TRULY been happy for a long time. Tell her you're sorry you've not realized sooner just how unhealthy, for both of you, the relationship has become and that you're sorry you weren't strong enough to end it earlier.

Be Kind, don't be wishy washy, and don't let yourself get emotional as you tell her. If it's really over it's time to be as matter of fact as possible. Like a funeral director at a wake. Solemn, caring and very business like.

With respect to how she'll respond, that's any body’s guess. That will depend on how she's feeling about the marriage. If she's been going through life with her head in the sand and not NOTICING how bad things are then she's liable to explode in an emotional torrent. If she's been trying to figure out how to bring it up with you she might start with a huge sigh of relief. If she's already emotionally moved on and maybe even found someone else she might just say, "I’ve been thinking the same thing".

I would go in expecting and being prepared for the worst.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Ok i am a divorced guy, who remarried. My first marriage ended when se both went our own ways. Our lives were not shared anymore the only thing we had in common was a house and a child. She finally found someone and had the courage to leave me. Yes it hurt, a part of me was torn.
I went thru a few dating relationships one really broke my heart and made it hard for me to love again.
I now have entered a new marriage. Our lives our not that movie fall in love feelings. But we both have goals in mind and our working toward them.

I tell you all of this, I came from a Right wing babtist backgroud as did my first wife. The divorce was highly fought by our familys we were outcast for it. IT has changed my views on marriage and divorce.
I think you should make every effort to keep a marriage going, But if the time has come to let the marriage end then you must sit down and talk about it. IF you partner wants to be free let them go If you want to be free then you need to go. If they will not let you go understand it will be a long and expensive fight to get out of this marriage.

Its your life go live it. do it your way and God bless you in your choice.

Answer 6

If you have done the counseling thing for this long and it hasn't helped, it may be time to be honest. to you're self and to her.
nothing about divorce is easy, but living a lie won't do a thing for either one of you.
The question you are asking is"What did you say and how did they respond" Well, the truth is - it doesn't matter, every couple is different and what i said was how i felt and why, how he replied was out of hurt and anger- which I'm sure is true with everyone that doesn't ask for the divorce.
You are the one that is married to her, you should know her better then anyone, follow your heart and be truthful. there is no easy way to end a marriage. Saying thing like" I'm not happy, You're not happy, you deserve someone better then me, Life is to short for us to spend it this miserable. All sound good but no matter how you say it, if she doesn't want it to end, she will be hurt and mad! Good luck to you, and i do agree - life it to short- follow your heart,and you will find happiness.

Answer 7

I think it would be best to tell her after you had a calm holiday with her and your 2-year old. My spouse did not even give me that kind of dignity, and honesty. he filed and left me unprepared legally. It seems that you have made up your mind, and you want to be with your old flame who lights your fire. Be fair to her, and have a divorce that is as pain free as possible for her. Let her go with some of her dignity intact. She must already be so in pain with your feelings towards your former love let alone with the knowledge that you will be going to her after you both part ways.
So, I'd advise you tell her as calmly as possible and tell her you feel really sad about causing her so much pain ( you do, don't you? ) And try and be honest about your feelings about the divorce. And also promise to her that you'll be there to help her raise your 2-year old.

Answer 8

It's kinda funny how you talk all big like your better than everyone else because you went to Yale..... yet, you cant make your marriage work. I've found that putting the other person first is the best way to make a marriage work.

Answer 9

Not much background to go off of here.

Why not try counseling first? Let her know how you're feeling. I think it's too easy to get a divorce these days. Try and work on your problems before you tell her you want a divorce

That's so sad!

Answer 10

I completely agree with Mande. You should really approach it in a way of I want to save this marriage. Marriage is sacred and shouldn't be taken lightly. Get counseling, do what you need to to make it work!