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Question

My 5-year old daughter was out with her dad this past weekend for his every other weekend visitation. After returning home and being settled in she told me, "Daddy said not to love you." (me inside my reaction WTF!) I told her that can't be true.

I told her that I love her so much and asked her how did that make her feel. She told me that she felt bad and sad when he said that. I told her that I'm happy that she told me and encouraged her anytime something is on her mind to tell me right away. I also told her that I am not mad at her; nor did I show her I was mad.

Still being mad, I'm ready to confront my ex husband about this. I'm ready to chew him off. Before I over-react, is it possible that may be my daught misinterpret him? Perhaps he said, "I don't love your mom"? Regardless the statement, I don't think he should've said that.

After were separated (now divorced), I told my daughter that even though mommy & daddy doesn't live together that we love you very much

Answer 1

I think I like your 3rd paragraph thought (even though it might be the "brighter side" and not be the factual side). With her being so young, it is possible that she mis-interpreted him. But you are also correct in your statement saying this is probably not great conversation for him to be having with your 5 year old. Or even in her presence as she might have overheard him saying something like that too.

My father used to tell me all the time that he loved me more than my mother did. I used to believe him and wanted so badly for it to be true. He never got on to me, never punished me like my mom did. When I turned 16 I realized he was so full of crap. I could see right through his manipulation. I'm only sorry it took me that long to see and appreciate my mother, because I put her through all sorts of hell until this, acting out because my father was a failure as a father. Even though she hated him, she never bad mouthed him and punished me when I did.

The point is, keep your disposition sunny and be angry with your ex (but not in ear shot of your child), you are right, it's not appropriate to have these types of conversations with her or even around her, but in the end, you'll end up being the victor and she'll see right through him and appreciate you for all you did.

As for dealing with your ex. You can calmly explain to him, even assume that she misunderstood "our daughter came to me so sad and upset because she thought you told her not to love me, now I know as a responsible parent, you didn't say that and I told her that I thought she misunderstood what you said. Regardless of what happened, I need for you to not to discuss such matters around her and leave things open for mis-interpretation as I don't want her to go through any more pain than she already has been through and I'm sure you want the same" end it rationally and speak calmly with him. If he starts getting defensive look confused and say, "oh no, I'm sorry, you misunderstood, I'm not attacking you in anyway, I just want to make sure that our daughter isn't confused by words she hears regarding her parents" Or something to that matter. Don't get sucked into an emotional battle with him it usually turns out ugly.

Answer 2

Now having two adult children went to visit their father and came back with stories...it is always best not to confront, just ask him. Just say the way that you heard from her that you thought there was a possibility of it being misunderstood. Work as a team...it helps the children feell more comfortable. This is much better in maintaining a stable relationship for your children. Don't bring them into the divorce. My ex and I talk calmly to each other and never accuse one another...remember what it would be like to be on the other side. The kids do eventually figure things out on their own and are much more secure in the way they feel.

Answer 3

It's useless confronting your husband. Think: what are you going to get out of confronting him? I think you'll just end up arguing or fighting. And you might be right. Your daughter might have misinterpreted what her father said. The best thing for you to do is to just go on and continue being a good mom. Show to her and let her feel that you really love her and that she can always rely and run to you no matter what and that she can open-up things with you. And also, no matter what the father says, even if he badmouths you, ignore him and don't do the same thing. :-)

Answer 4

I think you totally did the right thing. You handled that in the best way I could ever think of.

And yes, I would confront your ex about it. Just remember, that your daughter said that because someone said it to her. I have a 9 year old son and a 4 year old stepdaughter. With my experiences, I have found that kids don't make stuff up like that. It needs to be addressed now. You don't want to have this back and forth fightng for the rest of your life. It needs to stop now or you're going to have one messed up child.

Answer 5

Kids at that age are pretty honest about the things that hurt them, because they need the adults in their life to help give feedback about why they are feeling what they are feeling. Chances are pretty good that you ex said something along those lines.

I wouldn't even bother asking him if he did it or not, a creep who would say such a thing to their own child will not have a problem lying to their ex. I'd just flat out confront him with it and tell him if he continues to mess with your daughter's head you'll take him back to court so fast it'll make his head spin, and get sole custody so he can no longer manipulate her.

Answer 6

I'm like Judge Judy - love your child more than you hate each other. I would have been like WTF too! But calmly talk to him about this kind of stuff (it's possible she could have misinterpreted it) because it should NEVER touch your daugher. . we don't make our children disfunctional because things didn't work out between the us - you make them well rounded by letting them know that even though we're not together we love you dearly and we have your best interest at heart. But don't over-react dear - because if he is being foolish you will still have to be the voice of reason - - remember this: mothers = security. Don't you be a fool cause he is - - we as women and mothers ALWAYS HAVE TO TAKE THE HIGH GROUND.

Answer 7

Such a difficult and painful subject. My ex told my daughter to call her new husband "daddy". It ripped my heart out when we were all together and she called for "daddy" and wasn't talking to me. It was almost 20 years ago and I'm getting mad writing about it. Don't overreact, just make your feelings known (to your ex) and realize that they will probably have a more significant impact on her life, just because of proximity. If you do anything rash you'll drive them away, which will keep her away, and you'll regret it. Show and tell your love, she'll know. You sound like you have a level head, you'll know what to do.

Answer 8

This is a good job. it's well-organized and inclusive, and explains its points clearly and without wordiness or repetition. There were no faults in grammar or spelling, yet it does not sound like a barely-rewritten copy of something from an encyclopedia. I edited it slightly for smoothness: The Columbian Exchange In 1492, Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas, introducing the Old World to the New World. The following flow of new animals, foods, and diseases transferred between continents in known as the Columbian Exchange. The consequences of this mutual sharing, both positive and negative, can be seen in our past and present. With the introduction of the Old World to the New World and vice versa, many positive changes occurred. For instance, many of the foods that we have today originated in the Americas. These include maize, potatoes, tomatoes, cassava, and sweet potatoes. Plants introduced to the Americas include bananas, oranges, onions, coffee, rice, wheat, apples, soybeans, sugar beets, sugar cane, barley – and the dandelion. Many of these are common staples of people today. In addition to this, Europeans brought along with them their domesticated animals -- hens, cattle and horses. These were quickly adopted by the natives and were highly useful to the people of that day. But not every exchange was helpful. Instead, the Europeans also introduced a number of destructive things. For example, the Old World diseases brought by the Spaniards and other Europeans wiped out a recorded fifty to ninety percent of the natives over the two centuries following the discovery of the Americas. Although this was unintentional, this was only one of the atrocities that occurred after the discovery of the New World. The Spaniards were blamed for the mistreatment of the natives, and it is understood that many natives were killed or abused during this period. In addition, slavery became common at this time, and later on during the early days of the United States of America. The Columbian Exchange is remembered as a massive exchange of ideas, species, foods, culture, and people on an intercontinental level. The Columbian Exchange following the discovery of the Americas, coupled with the Spanish settlement of America, was one of the largest influences on the modern world as this global sharing of resources ultimately led up to what is now our society.

Answer 9

for some advise your better off sitting down with your ex and talk to him.... lil kids would pick up on a lot of things and saying things like that dosen't make anything better it tends to do the opposite and if she was to get out of control later on (not respecting you) it would all lye on his lap and I'm sure he wouldn't take the blam... also let him know that he has to be careful on what he says around her.... your lucky she didn't say anything around a teacher, they would not have any problem calling the child services.... he has to think before he says things (he could of been upset) but still should of known when to hold his tong..... also your right it's best to tell your daughter to let you know everything and to be open with you b/c later on he could try and make her turn on you... I think thats what's he really up to b/c of the child support... but I could be wrong... try to build not destroy each other..... best wishes

Answer 10

She's only five, please dont jump to conclusions. Hopefully she didnt hear what he actually said. A word here....a word there, in the wrong place, can make all the difference in the world.
It's seems hard to believe that he'd be having that sort of discussion with a 5 yr old. Remain calm, while keeping your eyes and ears wide open!