I cheated while I was married?

Question

I was married and my husband useto be physically and mentally abusive to me I was so scared I didnt know what to do. I ran into an old friend that i hadnt talked to in years and we started getting close. I told him the things my husband was doing to me and he said he would help me in anyway. As time went on I desided to leave my husband cause he woudnt stop the abuse and ended up sleeping with my friend a month later. 2 months later my friend wanted to be with me and I was all for it i had bill pilled up from my ex and my friend payed them I couldnt afford to leave on my own he payed the rent he paid everything til i got on my feet even though i refused the help he payed anyway...4 years later we are still together anf our love is strong we also have a daughter ..should i feel bad for cheating on my ex husband even though we were separted (he use to pulled knives out on me and guns. me and my ex have common friend still and they say i was wrong for cheating.

we have common friends and they just started bring up the subject. they say i was wrong i should have stuck in there...I hate my ex-husband i dont even want to hear his name or see him he put me though hell i havent even though of him til our common friends brought it up and now i wont talk to them either...i went through counseling for the abuse i went though and no i am happy with my boyfriend and child

now i am happy with my boyfriend

Answer 1

Nah- some people will say you should b/c you were still married but sounds like you checked out emotionally long before that. Sounds like your ex never really checked in. Ultimately, you are the only person that can decide what to feel guilty about. Life's too short for the guilt. It especially shouldn't be wasted on a big loser like that. HE should feel guilty for abusing you. Let it go, move on, and be greatful that your "friend" has been there for you. Some of us had to go it alone :)

Answer 2

This is one of those Monday-morning quarterback things here, but if I were asked for a cut-and-dried, black-or-white ruling, I'd ask you whether you had told your husband you were leaving him before you slept with your new partner. (It's *almost* clear from your initial question, but not quite.)

If you told him first, then you're okay -- you had communicated your decision to break the agreement before you took action with your new partner.

If not, then yes, technically you cheated -- but under the circumstances it's a comparatively small mistake. Pulling guns and knives on you is FAR worse than finding a new partner before the divorce was final.

For anyone else reading this, it's probably best for all SORTS of reasons to GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE FIRST when a spouse is abusing you, particularly if the threats involve guns and knives. That has to be job 1 -- your own safety. The risk of starting with another partner first is that it gives the abuser a great excuse (in his own mind, anyway) for more violence.

As for your so-called friends who are ragging on you for cheating -- you don't need friends like that. Staying in touch with them is a smaller version of staying married to an abusive husband; you don't have to let them talk to you that way any more than you have to let your husband point a gun at you.

We all make mistakes in our lives, and have to come to terms with our guilt over them. You need to come to terms with any guilt you still have over the way you left your abusive ex-husband, but believe me -- any guilt you feel should be basically insignificant under the circumstances. You might consider talking to a counselor (psychological or religious, depending on your preference) about how to acknowledge the guilt you feel and what you can do to feel clear of it.

And if you only feel guilt when your so-called friends are rubbing your face in it... well, check some of my other answers on how to find new friends.

Answer 3

Your ex ended your relationship way before you cheated. He did not keep his promise of marraige. When he treated you this way God had seen everything. I feel that God knew your pain and suffering and perhaps sent this wonderful man to your rescue. Everything happens for a reason. Things ended up wonderfully and from what you wrote you would never cheat on your present partner.

Your mutual frend is just that, a friend to both of you. She never walked a step in your shoes. People find it hard to understand domestic violence.

You are lucky to have found someone to stand by your side as you went through some very tough times. What a happy ending to be still in love and share a daughter.

My thoughts on whether you were wrong to cheat. Is yes it is always wrong to cheat on a husband. But you no longer had a husband. He distroyed that with every name, all the violence, every insult, and all the harmful things he has ever done to destroy your marraige. I have walked in your shoes and I fully understand why. I am glad that the man you are with is wonderful. No one should ever live in fear and be knocked down emotioally and physically, especially by their husband. Some one who should have kept his vows. The vows were broken way before you cheated.

I have a very hard time with divorce. I am the one who filed and I feel guilty when I think of God and if I am wrong to leave my husband. But I keep telling myself he ended the marraige long ago. I prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness and understanding. But some how I feel guily from time to time. He was mean and abusive towards me and ended up taking it out on his mother and our children I had to end things.

I think the reason why you and I might question ourselves is the left over control and abuse that our ex husbands have left behind.

Answer 4

Look...you are happy now and have a good man. No need to keep having a pity party for your ex because trust he is not worried about you hurting his feelings at all. Learn to live drama free and go on with your life. The past will only stay in the past if you let it go. Just be thankful enough that there was someone there to help you get away and that you still have your life. Think about that and I guarantee you will stop worrying about WASTING TIME AND FEELINGS THAT IS NO MORE and stop ignoring your man you have now. JUST BE HAPPY...HAPPINESS IS ACTUALLY REAL.

Answer 5

Well, technically you didn't cheat...maybe legally you did. Do not let anyone put a guilt trip on you. You had a rough time and finally found someone you deserve, don't pull this baggage with you. Sometimes people don't like to see others do better for themselves and they try their best to find any little thing on that person and throw in their face discreetly and flat out. Don't be ashamed of what you have accomplished and do not let the opinions of others sabotage you current relationship. Just thank God you found someone who makes you happy.

Answer 6

I am sure you realize that cheating is wrong, regardless of under what circumstances it happens...However, i suggest you accept this and forgive yourself for your mistake.
I am sure you would not have done it, if you were not going through what you went through...As long as you are aware of what went on, and what you need to do in the present and future, don't stress over it. People, especially friends and family, will always have some input...It is only yourself that you need to convince, about anything, and everything that went on.
If they insist on talking about it, let them know that it has already been 4 years, and that you want to put this behind you, and don't deserve to be constantly reminded of your mistake. Everyone makes mistakes...and everyone has the right to learn from their mistakes as well.

Answer 7

If you found love with your friend, given the circumstances of your marital relationship, you didn't really do anything wrong.You were induced and compelled to cheat because of the abusive treatment meted out to you. However, you should have made a clean break from the abusive relationship,because, who knows, if he found out you cheated, he might threaten and hurt you more, leading you to a path of lies and deception.I would say always be on your guard lest his abusive nature surface again, leaving you feeling defenseless and betrayed.You need to protect your daughter too.

Answer 8

get rid of the common friend you and your ex have together,it's been 4 years and you did okay, you were one of the lucky ones. two wrongs never make a right but it's time to just forget and forgive yourself. it was your ex husband's abuse that caused you to feel unsafe, and caused you to seek refuge in the arms of another, yes u did cheat but it's over now, u don't owe anyone any explanation at all.

Answer 9

That was four years ago and for some that's an entire life time. If you really feel bad then confess to a priest, pastor or do it yourself to God...ask forgivness.....then forget about it and move on with your life. Regardless of the circumstances you have proven that you are a quality woman and needn't bother with the ex.....anymore.

Answer 10

This would be the one in a thousand story where this is beneficial.
You really do not need to be guilty for leaving a physical abuser.
Your marriage was actually over before you got involved elsewhere.