How do I keep from getting upset when my husband doesn't please me?

Question

I have been with my husband for 11 years and 9 out of 10 times when we are "together" I am left unsatisfied and completely disappointed and its really hard not to be so mad about it
and now he wont sleep with me because he says he had performance anxiety so am I wrong to be mad that I am left high and dry? and if I am wrong what in the world do I do to fix it?

Answer 1

I have a feeling there are other reasons aside from performance anxiety

Answer 2

Performance Anxiety?????????? I find that one to be an excuse. Maybe he's performing on someone else! I can't see you wanting to live your life like this. If the marriage is not working out on both ends of this relationship I would think that it should be time to move on and live a happier life with someone that you can love and love you back the way you should be loved. I realize that 11 years is hard to give up but is it worth turning into another 11 years of unhappiness? If children are involved it may make it harder on your decision to do so but they'll understand as they grow older. You need to be happy before this turns into something that you'll both regret in the long run. GL

Answer 3

Well I have been in that position. I am a man and well I assume you are asking for a little more loving and alot less porno action. Try to get him to love you once a week and let him throw down the thunder the rest. Also to go slow and feel you he needs to be really excited. push the right buttons get him rock hard and he will enjoy the experience a lot more. One other thing you may have to get yourself ready the first few times. He will catch on. Give him time he only knows what he is doind and we are not open to change very often.

Answer 4

You need to speak to him in a very loving and non-accusing way. Communication is key. You should both be able to tell each other what it is that you enjoy most and the other person should be willing to listen to you and do as much as is in their power to do what you're asking for.

If you're telling him about your dissatisfaction the wrong way they you could be hurting his feelings which is what you don't want to do. That will never ever get you anywhere. It will just make things worse. Also, he needs to be open enough to listen to you and be willing to change for you as long as it's possible for him to do so (as you should be for him as well).

If you can't get anywhere on your own then I suggest going to counseling together. A counselor will lay out the ground rules for how to communicate so you do so constructively (not offensively). If you do this you may want to present it in a way that doesn't sound like you're taking him to counseling because you're unhappy about the sex. That would just hurt him more. Just say that you think it would be good for both of you - not because of him.

Try go easy on him. If he's having performance anxiety then he is hurt over this issue.

Answer 5

I know when two people are married, there are times when one or the other will not get satisfied, but if this is a regular occurrence, this can't continue. You have to sit him down and speak with him. Please don't be insulting, this will definitely hurt his male ego, then you will have a real problem. Talk lovingly to him, tell him where and how you like to be touched. I can't imagine any man not wanting to satisfy a woman. You need to take care of this now, because a vibrator is never a substitute for the pleasure derived from the man you love.

Answer 6

Is this 9 out of 10 times throughout the 11 years of your marriage or is it just recently? If so, are you only getting around to saying anything to him about it now? And by "saying" I mean "discussing" and not "complaining", because if you are complaining about it then why would he feel amorous towards you?

My biggest complaint with questions like yours is that they are phrased so as to get people to answer a specific way, not to get a meaningful answer. You want us to feel sorry for you and say that it isn't your fault in any manner, so you state your case to sound that way and leave out important details which would help us, but might make you seem less sympathetic in our eyes.

Answer 7

This is a problem the most women have...It is normal to be upset, but think about it: he feels more bad than you, and maybe he will be scared in a little way the next time so because of that you will be again unsatisfied...It is like a circle...When you get to feel great, to have an orgasm, tell him, encourage him...make him feel good, like he is the owner of your sensation...When it is bad, I mean very bad...you can be a little upset, but kiss him and talk to him...try to find ou what didn't go well: maybe he didn't want it badly, maybe he is stressed, mayb he is tired...Tell him that IS NOT HIS FAULT...maybe this way he woun't feel so bad too...

Answer 8

Talk to him. You're just going to make him feel crappy if you berate him. You get more flys with honey as they say. If you make him feel bad you might not get any at all.

Communication is the key. He might have a 'problem' controlling it. Just try to work with him some on this...See if he'll try to get you off first...

Try more foreplay before hand....and less stimulation on his part...

If you can tell when he's close, try stopping for a moment -

And as stupid as this may sound, there are toys you can use during, so that might help you get yours a bit sooner.

Answer 9

I don't know if u have but tell him what to do in a way that is exciting for him and not a turn off while you are in the act. He's right about his performance anxiety, otherwise give viagra a whirl. It is amazing!

Answer 10

Conversation is the MOST IMPORTANT THING in a marriage. You need to talk about this and work thru it, together. I'm sure it's hard for him. Not much you can do. Biggest man in the world, and still can't control this problem. I'm confident that it can be worked out. Please do your very best not to embarrass him though. There are other ways to mutual satisfaction.

Answer 11

This is going to take some counseling. You could light some candles, put on something sexy and if he starts to resist, just say "baby, I think this is something we both should work on. I obviously aren't communicating well and I want us to get in touch with each other on every level." Let him know it's your fault too and then begin to talk and show each other where the 'good spots' are!