I need sound advice regarding my stepdaughters. The girls are twin 12-year olds and they idolize their dad.?

Question

The problem is that they have not liked me since the day that they met me as their dad's girlfriend. He & I have been married now for 5 years, and my relationship with his girls has only gotten worse. I try to make myself scarce when they visit and my husband is getting tired of it (although he keeps it all inside). The girls do not talk to me, even when asked a direct question. They are very possessive of their dad and clingy. They won't let him out of their sight, hardly even to go to the bathroom. They have no hobbies or interests so there's no common ground to build on. I know I have some resentment toward them because of issues from my relationship with my father, who I never even knew until I was an adult, then shortly after that he committed suicide. I need to learn how to accept and love the girls and them me, but I don't know how to do this. This situation must improve or our marriage will suffer and I don't want that. I cannot afford counseling

Answer 1

I had this problem also when I married my husband. I have 2 sons (ages 16 and 14) from a previous marriage and he has a son (age 10) from his previous marriage. It was a little difficult at first for all 3 boys, but here are some things that have helped us over the years....
* Always assure the kids you are not there to replace the biological parent. My kids needed to know that my new husband was not replacing their father, but he was there as a friend and also as a person they could talk to if they couldn't talk to mom or dad.
* Don't force a relationship. It will happen naturally. Especially with teenagers, you have to give them time to adjust.
* Never argue with your spouse when the kids are around. They will naturally take the biological parents side and look at you as the "bad guy".
* You and your spouse need to team up. It might be nice if your husband can encourage the girls to develop a relationship with you.

I don't know what the situation is like when they're with their mom, but who knows if she's feeding negative stuff to the girls and they see you as the "perpetrator".

Bottom line is that you don't want to live in constant war with your spouse and with the girls. I know you have issues from your past that need to be dealt with, but the girls should not have to pay for these issues. Search the net or maybe go to a bookstore and try to find books that will help you cope/deal with your past issues.

When you married your husband, you kind of married the kids too. It was a package. I know it's hard to see right now, but those girls can become your biggest fans. Just be patient and love them regardless. In time, they will come around. This is a battle that can only be won by having a lot of patience and loving them through all this.

Good luck!

Answer 2

When my mom announced she was getting remarried in 1991, I was 12 going on 13. I cried. I hated my stepdad. I didn't want to share my mom either. In the end, she never asked for my opinion, she simply informed me that was her choice and that she felt it was best for her and our family. I am now a grown woman with 7 year old twins myself and she just celebrated 15 years of marriage. As an adult and a parent, I respect my stepdad more than ever and I do have a good relationship with him now that I am grown.

My first instinct is to say, Give it time, they will grow out of it. But then my second instinct is to say that your Hubby needs to really sit down with you and the girls and set things straight. Stand together as one solid front. This will continue to go downhill until your hubby stands up to his daughters and tells them that you are there and you are not going anywhere. 5 years should tell them that he isn't blowing smoke. I wish you luck...this is not an easy situation to be in.

Answer 3

First of all they are disrespecting you and they dont HAVE to like you and you dont HAVE to like you BUT no one should be disrespecting ANYONE. How dare you or your hubby let the girls get a way with not answering you when you talk directly to them. The situation will continue to get even more worse if you and your hubby are not a united front when it comes to the girls and the expectations. You have been married to their dad for 5 years now....SOMEONE needs to get a grip. All of the adults (including the girls mother) should have a sit down and get it together.

Answer 4

An outside third party is best. If you can't afford counseling, check out the county programs, or call the Family and Welfare office and ask if they can help. If you're religious, a Pastor or Priest may be able to help. After my divorce, I had my son live with me for a while. I had remarried and he put me in the middle of him and my new wife, and there was constant tension. It got so bad I had to ask him to leave. Good luck.

Answer 5

Just keep doing your thing and don't let it bother you--i mean they are 12 and YOU are married to their dad, not them--i mean he loves his girls, but he obviously did not let it stand in the way of him marrying you, so he does care about your and his happiness--if it gets too out of control as the girls get to be teenagers, put your foot down--tell them that on no uncertain terms you are his wife and what they are doing is unacceptable--you had no control over what your father did, but you can control this--be the adult here---if they live w/ you guys full time, sign them up for sports or something, ballet, swimming, anything to get them a life of their own so they can stop being little brats--they need to have stuff they value so they can be trained and punished---ie, camp, sports, friends, maybe a cell phone, stuff like that--then when they misbehave, it can be revoked as means of punishment---or just kill them with kindness---ask them if they want to do something just the girls, or make them go shopping or out to eat just the 3 of you, make them talk about themselves and get to know them better----where does their mother stand on this? does she even know? or does she not care because you are the wife now? Keep us posted!

Answer 6

Well, at 12 years old it is up to the both of you (United Front) to sit them both down and let them know how you feel and what your position is. "He chose you he got stuck with them", I hope his mind isn't clouded with his daughters because this could pose as a problem. Don't make an effort to accommodate them nor spare their feelings, as you know teenage girls can be the most arrogant, vindictive filled creatures there for you have to remain firm with them. Don't ever feel like you have to step aside, marriage meant you are at his side not beneath those twins and it is up to you and the him to set some common ground. Have you ever thought their mother could be planting poison in them toward you?

Answer 7

They sound very spoiled and they are probly trying to chase you away, because they don't want to share their dad. Don't let them win. Be as nice as you can so they don't have any reason to blame you for anything. Also you could find other things to do when they are around so that they can spend "quality" time with dad and you don't have to watch them make fools of themselves.
You will always be his wife, but they will eventually grow up and become someone else's wives. (poor husbands)

Answer 8

The dad should not have let it get this bad. For this to be going on for 5 years is uncalled for. I understand it is hard for fathers to stand up to their daughters (especially if the daughters don't live with him) but he needs to sit them down and let them know that you're not going anywhere and even if they don't like you (sorry!) that they need to show you some respect and be civilized to you. He needs to make sure they know that them being mean to you is also hurting him. I'm once they've straightened up their act it will be easier for you to get along with them better.

Answer 9

I think it's great they love thier dad so much but, Your husband needs to talk to them and tell them he loves them and he also loves you, and you are trying really hard to be a part of thier life.
He needs to tell them to give you a chance.. Kids at that age feel like your taking thier dad away, it's time he steps in a speaks up for you..You can try telling them your not taking thier dad from them but you would like for them to give you a chance to be thier friend, take them to the mall or take them somewhere they like if they will let you.. I hope everything works out for you..just remember talk to your husband about him talking to the girls let him know your feelings are hurt because they have not yet accepted you in thier lives..

Answer 10

It's sad when children's parents screw them over by divorcing, then dating, then marrying someone else. How stressful and distressing is that for a kid? They get clingy and possessive and grow into dysfunctional adults.
If you can't afford counseling, then go to the library and start reading and studying books on parenting, step-parenting, child development, effects of divorce on children, relationships, and marriage, communication, etc etc. If you want to change things, you have a lot of work to do.