I have a 18 years old child who still lives at home with me. Legally she is an adult but isn't mature enough to live on her own. I still have to go after her to make sure she does things at this age (ie chores, school work, telling me where she is going.) I can't actually punish her for not keeping up with her responsibilities. What are my options in making sure she does what she is suppose to do. I am tempting in letting her make her own mistakes at the expense of flunking out of school and having my home look a mess. What should I do?
2006-10-23 04:49:35 · 16 answers · asked by loveNromance 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
She is not employed and going to school full time. I still financially take care of her ie paying school tuition, clothes, food etc. I don't want my money wasted because she is not taking life seriously.
2006-10-23 04:59:50 · update #1
Hello fellow helicopter mom. I just moved out my last child. He's 22. I too hovered (thus the helicopter mom) and took care of everything for him. I made him disabled by not allowing himto make his own choices. I always fixed everything for him.
Now he's a young man and totally not equiped for the real world, but we decided it was time for him to go out, make mistakes, learn on his own and make a life for himself. He will struggle, he will have some failures, but we still love him and will then be able to teach him.
They hate lectures and at the age your daughter is, most of your words fall on deaf ears anyway. If she's still in school, insist she finish high school then tell her you will help her find a place to live. She's going to need to get a job and then let her fly. I am very hopeful my son will make it. If not, then we will have to explore other avenues. He's very happy in his little studio and the rent is such that he doesn't have to earn top dollar to afford it.
The best thing I can offer you is to say, stop hovering, let her fly and be there to help pick her up when she falls. It is painful to watch our children make mistakes, but many of them MUST make their own mistakes to LEARN from them. We can't tell them, they have to live it.
Best of luck to you.
2006-10-23 05:01:04 · answer #1 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly at this point, she has to live and learn. You cant punish her anymore because she is liable to go off and say or do something that you done approve of. If over the last 18 yrs you have had a loving bond with your kid, she should be respectful and thoughtful of everything you approve of and disapprove of. So at this point, you either give her a thumbs up or thumbs down. If she asks why, explain. As far as the living situation, she has to take some kind of responsibility. Either you work or you go to school, or both. Bills still have to be paid. You teach her how to responsible by giving her no other choice. Remember she is an adult now and you ask yourself what are the responsibilities of adulthood.
2006-10-23 06:12:07 · answer #2 · answered by aukasted1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your thinking is correct it is time for you to start "letting her make her own mistakes".
As for flunking out of school...who is paying for her school? Are you? Is it loans? Scholarships? You have every right NOT to pay for her school, if you are. Make a deal with your daughter, if she maintains a certain GPA, then you will pay. If she fails to live up to this, then make her pay for it on her own with loans.
As for having your home look like a mess...just because she is technically adult, doesn't mean you don't have to have ground rules for her living there. Does she pay rent? If not, as an adult she should be and if not she should be paying her way for staying at home via chores. Also, it is still not unreasonable to have a curfew for her staying with you if her coming in a 2am often wakes you up at night. If she doesn't like it she can always go get a job and go live on her own.
NONE of this is unreasonable. Many of my friends when I was going to college had arrangements like this with their parents. I've only been out of college for about 4 years now, so it wasn't that long ago. Not much has changed since then even the continuing rise in tuition, room/board, books is the same.
2006-10-23 05:03:15 · answer #3 · answered by Sherry 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ours is an only child...yikes!we actually made her live in the dorm after one semester at home and driving back and forth. she didn't like dorm life but needed the experience. She decided to get an apartment with a friend and had to pay her own bills plus go to class. the only thing we helped with was groceries. It was the best thing for her. she did move back home once but had grown up so much from being out there and seeing how tough it was. she is very responsible. we paid for college but some of our friends make their kids pay for the first year(cuts down on partying and skipping class if it's their money and if they flunk out their debt as well)I believe they pay for tuition after the first year if grades are good. When ours lived at home the house rules were call if it's late enough that dad will worry...just to let us know you are fine. call if drinking and need a ride...no questions asked...dad once had to drive 150 miles at 3am....no food in room...do own laundry and cleaning of room and respect the rest of the house. good luck
2006-10-23 04:58:36 · answer #4 · answered by mups mom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In My Humble Opinion... many of the problems kids face today in making the transition from teen to adult is the fact that they have either never been sadled with responsility and/or held accountable for when they failed in being responsible. You state that you have to 'make her' do chores, school work, etc. This tells me that you have been doing this stuff for her and therefore she has never been held accountable.
Here's my suggestion. Set her down for a talk. Do not accept "I Know" as a proper response.. this is just a way to cut you off so they don't have to listen. Tell her the following:
1. Today your life changes. Today you are going to grow up and become and adult.
2. This begins with an understanding of your responsiblities and ends with you being held accountable for them.
3. I will no longer do your house work for you. Here is a list of the things you WILL do as long as you reside here. (Give list of chores around the house.)
4. I will no longer support your extra curricular activies. You will no longer receive any money from me. That includes all expenses such as auto insurance, car notes, clothing, groceries, etc.
5. You have a place to live as long as you are in college. If you fail college or drop out, then you must find another place to live.
6. If you do not abide by the rules of this house, which includes your responsiblities of household chores, then I will hold you accountable for this and you will have to leave.
Not, the tough part. Enforce your rules. Completely. Warn them when they are failing and the set a date for them to correct their actions. If they fail to correct their actions by the date specified, tell them they must leave.
I know this sound harsh, but until someone is held accountable, they will not live up to their responsibilities.
Good luck!
2006-10-23 05:01:06 · answer #5 · answered by wrkey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tough love.
If she thinks she is an adult and can do as she pleases, than she needs to leave your home. You can tell her this, that doesnt necessarily mean you have to make her leave. You need to step up and put your foot down. It sounds like you are letting her get away with a lot because you think she is too immature. The real world is rough. We know that because we are there. We learned a lot from experience. If she refuses to listen, maybe she does need to get a life lesson the hard way.
2006-10-23 04:54:39 · answer #6 · answered by JC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think flunking out of school is best nor wrecking your home in the process, that will only cause resentment on your part in the long run. Flunking out of school will have more detrimental effects on her later. Tell her that she needs to get it together or get a job and move out. She wont want to treat her stuff like that if she pays for it and learns the value of a dollar. Its not fair to you for her to continue on like that though....Good luck!
2006-10-23 04:55:14 · answer #7 · answered by flwrgyrl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have 5 daughters, will say that up front so you don't think I am chidless. I would say let her make her own way, bad grades, dirty clothes, ect.
Tell her to get a job as she is now responsible for her own actions and education. Put the responsibility in her hands, its do or die time.
2006-10-23 04:52:23 · answer #8 · answered by OleMarbleEyes 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You raised her...she is what she is because you raised her! Now you want to control her, now that she has become an adult? My children are all adults, my youngest is in college and is 19. All of my children where raised with the knowledge that you WILL be responsible adults...You wont live with me for years after becoming an adult....you wont be a burden on the government either. You will work and take care of yourself. They all graduated highschool and three of the four went on to college, the one decided he didnt want school and went right into the work force...they all have the right mentality to care for themselves and respect my house (when they visit) because thats how they were raised....I am glad I didnt coddle them to the point of making them dependent on their parents, cause then I would be in your shoes!
What can you tell an 18 year old who thinks they know it all already???? You tell her to either get her act together or take it on the road! Tough love, she has to face the reality of life and that is, momma wont be around forever and you have to know how to handle life on your own and the sooner the better. She is only doing what you allow her to do mom.
2006-10-23 04:59:16 · answer #9 · answered by stephanie_6234 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If she is 18 then she is an adult, legally!!! you don't have to put up with any BS. If wants to have her room like a pis sty then let her. You had 18 years to teach her clean habits and good hygeine it's too late now. If she is in collge and still living with you then she relys on you for somethings. Simply use them as barganing chips until she understands that it your house and she does as you say in your house. if she makes a mess, do provide her with a meal!! Sounds harsh but you only have a few VERY short years left before (Hopfully) she's out. Didn't you teach her these basic lessons when she was 8 -9-10 years old?
2006-10-23 04:57:23 · answer #10 · answered by alberto_devlin 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋