Need Relationship Help! My wife is short tempered and we started fighting a lot more since we had 2 kids.?

Question

I have been married for 6.5 years. In the past 2 years, we have had 2 kids. Before the kids, we were happy, but since their births, we have been fighting more, she is very short tempered, and our sex life is terrible. We have sex maybe once per month and it involves me being very persistant (she never initiates anything EVER). On top of that, we are struggling with finances. She is a stay at home mom and with her maternity leave running out, we are left with my salary for everything.

1.) Should I starve our sex life until she initiates it?
2.) Should I start an affair to satisfy my desires?
3.) Should I attribute it to lack of sleep and irritability?
4.) Should I be patient and wait 3 years until we get back on track and pay off our debts?
My fear is that if I start to wander from the relationship, we may divorce and then some John Doe will start raising my beautiful children. I tried talking to her, but she gets frustrated, and doesn't want to talk anymore.

NEED HELP

Answer 1

No wonder your wife is irritable. If I had all that going on, and two children, I'd be going nuts too.

Your wife is staying at home with two young children. My guess is that she spends a lot of her time supervising them, cleaning up after them and them chasing after her for every little thing. By the time you get home, all she probably wants is some peace and quiet. If the kids have been touching and tugging on her all day, then the last thing she wants is to be touched by anyone, including you. You persist in having sex with a tired, irritable wife and have terrible sex. Yes, I'd be freakin irritable too.

1. No, you should not starve your sex life until she initiates it; you call a relative or sitter to take the kids for a night or two. You bring home dinner or take her someplace nice; when you get home, you say "I know it's been rough the last couple of years. Tell me how you've been feeling and how we can make things work: AND JUST LISTEN!! Resist the temptation to jump in and take over; make notes if you have to so you can come back to points that are important to you, but just LISTEN.

2. Don't start an affair to satisfy your desires. That just makes you a man that is unwilling to work out his problems. If you think your wife is irritable now, wait until she finds out about the affair. Don't be fooled, she will find out. Most men leave little clues because they want their wives to know what's going on; the object of you sexfection may find a way to tell her or make your life a living hell. Affairs are never good. Try explaining that one to your beautiful childen.

3. See paragraph 2. Also, consider that she may be on leave from a job she loves, one that gives her a sense of purpose. She got to talk to grown-ups all day, not to needy children and a husband pressing her for sex.

4. You should sit down and reassess your finances. Maybe your wife is willing to return to work full time or even part time. If you don't have a written budget to see where your income goes, now might be the time to sit down and work that out...TOGETHER.

You haven't said anything about how much you love your wife, or that you want to work things out with her. You come off as though you're annoyed that she doesn't want to have sex with you and you have to have yours. She's probably picked up that vibe. So not only is she dealing with young children, no outlet for herself and a sex starved husband, but she probably doesn't feel like anything other than a nanny to three children (one just happens to be employed and potty trained).

Having children changes everything, and this probably isn't the blissful existence the two of you had envisioned. After you talk to your wife, continue to find ways to spend some time alone. No, not just for sex, but to reconnect with each other; to have discussions without distraction, to be close and intimate without intercourse and orgasm being the goal. Once you warm up to each other, the rest will happen quite nicely and to everyone's satisfaction.

Communication is key. It involves listening as well as talking. Think about this situation from her point of view, and she'll be more willing to consider yours. Good luck!

Answer 2

Whoa, give the poor woman a break. She has had 2 kids in 2 years. That makes me exhausted. Being a stay at home mom makes her isolated and cranky with two little babies, it's even harder. No wonder she is short tempered. I wouldn't want to have sex either if I had to deal with having a baby every year. Her being this way she has low self esteem and depression, I am sure.

Look, all the issues you list.... Are SUPER stressful alone but together it is down right impossible to deal with and be happy. You need to let her have a week off and YOU be with the kids FULL TIME to see what she goes through. (and no cheating by getting someone else to help you!) I bet 100.00 bucks, you'd be just as cranky and worn out as she is right now. And YES Sex would be the last thing on your mind after those long hard days dealing with puking, diapers, crying, screaming, feedings, laundry, housework, groceries, cooking, etc.

You need to be Bi--- Slapped for even thinking of an affair!!! If the roles were reversed, would you want your wife to have an affair on you???? I bet NOT. If you are waiting to get out of debt.....That's silly...'cause once you get out, it starts over again. Debt is a NEVER ending cycle.

Give the poor woman a break, some time to heal, and learn to deal with all this mess you are in. If you value your relationship, you will stay faithful and loving. If you didn't want to be married, why did you ask her?? (there must of been something about her that you loved other than the sex.) Life is NOT all FUN and Games! Good luck and I hope you will see many more years together.

Answer 3

Been there!!!
You are approaching things from a combatant view.

Today good home and act happy and throw your self into helping out. I mean like crazy. Make dinner, clean up, take care of the kids. Remember you get breaks and lunch breaks in your day. She's NON-STOP. If you do this then and make her feel you are doing just to be help and no alternative behind it (THOUGH YOU ARE DOING IT FOR SEX) she will be far more willing for some over time under the sheets.

1.) She's tired that wont work
2.) That's stupid and will most likely blow up in your face
3.) In part yes
4.) NO- it takes 30 days to make a habit (good or bad). If you wait 3 years do you have any idea how hard it would be to have her break that habit???

Your fear is real. Talking at this point is MORE WORK. She needs a break. Send her out to get her nails done or take your kids to the park and give her a break. The key here is she NEEDS a break from being NEEDED. The kids need her you need her everyone needs her.

Hope this helps

Answer 4

As a mother of three children under six, I may be able to give you some insight into what your wife is feeling.

1) How much do you help around the house? I know you may feel that you are the one bringing home the money but her job is 24/7, with no rewards, its stressful and she feels mostly under appreciated. Show her you care by helping and giving her some space without the kids. Also if you aren't helping it may cause her to resent you for making her do it all, which in turn will translate to not wanting to be intimate with you. Women have trouble being intimate when their are emotional problems.

2) She probably feels isolated, she needs some adult time. Let her go out with a friend or take her out yourself, atleast once a week or every other week.

3) After having kids you feel unattractive, this may be why she isn't initiating sex. She just doesn't feel sexy, find ways to show her you still find her attrative, (cards, flowers or some kind of romantic gesture)

4) Lack of sleep will deffinetly leave her irritible. Give her some time to rest, take the kids so she can nap. ect.

5) Before thinking of divorce, see a marriage counseling. It may even be post partum depression which she can easily get treated.

Answer 5

That is a tough situation, and probably all too common. You don't want to get out of your childrens lifes, because they might never let you back in.. My dad did so, and 10 years later, we're still not close.

Don't have an affair, don't even think about it, it cannot be an option.

Don't starve anything, overload your lifes with communication, talk, talk, talk. Get together, each make a list of what is working, and what is not working, but be positive, don't just write down everything thats going wrong. You have 2 healthy children, okay, you have money problems too, but you have children- many couples can't even achieve that..

Look at eachothers list, each week take a step to fix something that isn't working, so that you can add it to the working side, and so on. It might work, or be way too Dr. Phil-y for you, but you never know, dorky things like that can solve problems.

Oh yes, don't forget to tell you're wife how much you appreciate her, how wonderful of a mother she is, and how beautiful her face is. Kindness can go a long way, you might have her wanting to make you feel good.. (sex)

I hope something works.

Answer 6

Being a new stay-at-home mom with babies is EXTREMELY difficult, I am speaking from experience. In fact, I half considered that you might be my husband posting this questoin accept for a few small differences in situation :-). Your wife is probably on an emotional rollercoaster with all of her new responsibilities, the lack of sleep, and add the finanical situation you are both under leads to a great deal of stress. Here is my advice:

1. Be as understanding with her as possible. Try not to respond to the short temperd-ness, if you under-react it might difuse it.

2. Try and help out more around the house. Taking over responsiblity for the laundry, for example, would probably go a long way with her.

3. Figure out how the two of you can have a date night at least every other week. Can you trade babysitting resonsibilities with a neighbor, for example? The two of you need time alone to keep the romance alive.

4. Are you affectionate with her outside of wanting sex? I know I am much more interested in sex when my husband holds my hand, snuggles with me at bed time, tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, gives me hugs, strokes my hair, etc. I can't stress how key this is. When he does this it makes me feel attractive and special, and that almost always leads to sex.

If you wander from the relationship you are right to think that could very well lead to the end of the marriage. If you really love your wife try what I suggest. If you don't really love her then that is another issue altogether.

Good luck.

Answer 7

My husband and I have been married for two years and have a 12 month old. I sympathize with your wife. Are you helping out around the house or with the kids? Or do you leave it all to her? Sometimes, men just don't realize how hard it is to take care of two kids and the house. I couldn't wait to go back to work and now I have three jobs (career, taking care of baby, and taking care of household duties). Plan something special--cook her dinner and take care of cleaning up; don't ask her if she needs help: offer to do something instead. I'm not saying it's your fault, but from my own experience, she may be feeling overwhelmed, tired and underappreciated. Whatever you do, don't have an affair because you will loose everything!

Answer 8

Hi, I understand that you are in a very bad situation. Lets see it this way. Most women face this part of their life. After having kids, and getting more into their daily chores, they gets disinterested in sex and gives lesser attention to their husbands. This is a mistake they often make and regret later. Talk Jim. Thats the only option. Your wife may be really irritating at times. And the fact that she no longer gives you what a wife has to give, also burns a big volcano within you. But still, you have got two beautiful kids. Remember about the time you and ur wife spent happily together. It can all be brought back. Let her understand whatz going through your mind. Make her realize that sex is a very important component for a family to go on. I understand that she might explode when you try to say all these things. Approach a psychologist or a family counselling service and explain your problem. Get her to them and let them explain and act as a mediating element. There is nothing more valuable than communication in a family. Trust me. And, alternate sex. NO. dont go for it. It might satisfy your sexual desires momentarily. But just imagine, if you were in such a situation and your wife gets sexually starved, and you doesn' realise its importance, should she go for another man? See, when your lives get back to normal with full of colours, you will regret that you strayed. Never let it happen. It will burn you through out ur life. Try to give more attention to your beautiful kids. May be your wife is tensed about ur financial condition or whatever. Try to talk to her. If it doesn't work out, seek professional help. Never spoil a relationship out of lack of communication. Please.

Answer 9

First of all, please try to stop thinking in terms of game-playing, pay-back, etc. etc., and try to adopt a problem-solving approach. (This way of thinking will serve you well in other areas of life, as well.)

You say you try to talk but she is short-fused and tunes out. To me, it sounds like she has needs of which she may even be unaware. Is it possible to formulate questions that might help her to think deeper than what's troubling her in that moment? For instance: Are you happy? What do you imagine it might take to feel happy -- or even just less misery? Would you be less miserable if I were out of your life? What do you imagine it might take to make our family succeed? Are you aware that I have needs, as well? Do you know that all I'd like is a little affection? Do you no longer love me? What happened to us?

It is to be hoped these questions might get her thinking about the effects of her words and deeds on you -- her caring, supportive husband.

Is there a chance your wife feels performance anxiety (it's not just for guys anymore, y'know?!)? Do you think maybe that's why she is unresponsive and unreceptive to your overtures?

You say this began when the kids arrived. Being a stay-at-home Mom can be a crushing experience. Her entire world now revolves around these two needy children. Then you come home and want your needs fulfilled, when all she wants is some space, peace, and maybe even to be taken care of, as well.

Look, no-one ever said marriage and child-rearing would be easy -- not for Mom, not for Dad, and not for the kids. But your children are so impressionable; whatever you and your wife do and say affects them -- and not nbecessarily in good ways. The last thing you want to do is raise damaged children because they grow up to be damaged adults. Just look at all the troubled people around you. What do you think was done to them?

I digress. I hope this helps...

Answer 10

It's a tough road for a husband/father. I will not disagree with you.
Try to understand that maybe she feels a lack of protection from you. Are you letting anyone disrespect her? Are there people in your family who are snooting their nose at her? Perhaps the money matters are really too much for her to handle, see if you both can make a budget (if you haven't already). She could be apprehensive about going back to work. Assure her, let her know that if things don't work out with her going back to work (but they usually do and her self esteem will be much better and sex really does get better after that..I KNOW) Explain to her that your really afraid of how things are going and your getting a little nutty (pardon the pun) and really need to have a good go of it. Just a quickie...she won't have to do anything!

Hang in there...you're a fine man/husband