Not the first affair in our 30 years (we had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement for both of us). He broke our rules for not harming the other by carrying on with a woman I know, for 14 mos. in our small community. I was the last to know he was humiliating me here. He took her on trips, spent money on her and was completely obsessed with holding on to her. I found out and made a terrible scene on catching them together We have agreed we love each other and are building a new marriage from the ashes with the help of counseling. I'm depressed, on medication and can not stop thinking about her/him. I'm suffering nightmares and fear my unhappiness will destroy our hopes for the future. We have happy times then I fall again in to the sobbing pit of pain. He is devastated by his actions and is very supportive and loving.
2006-10-23 02:46:19 · 14 answers · asked by Carole K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all, I am so sorry you are in such pain. One of your problems seems to be "your don't ask, don't tell" policy. What kind of deal was that? If the other one is cheating, don't tell? If you live in a small community, you knew that was bound to get around fast. Your husband betrayed you, broke a sacred trust, this is why you are in pain.If anyone destroyed your hopes for the future, it was him. I hate to give you bad news, but if he thought nothing of doing this once and had affairs after 30 years of marriage, he will do it again. If you wish to forgive him, you are a better woman than I am. Listen, I know this is hard for you to see right now, but there is a life out there for you beyond the horrible pain you are suffering now. I want you to wash your face and make a pact with yourself to cry tomorrow, not today. Today, you will devote yourself to healing and feeling good. Can you go somewhere and take a vacation by yourself? Maybe a spa? Get some exercise with a friend and go out for lunch. Start planning your new life. Envision yourself and where you want to be in 5 years. Work towards that goal. If you decide you do not see your husband in that vision, the best thing to do is leave. Cheaters always cheat. They never change. My ex did the same thing. I had to pick myself up and move on. I thought I would go nuts at first. Then I came to realize there is a life beyond the pain. I worked through everything and found I could not live with the betrayal and lies anymore. I left and found a man who does not cheat. You can too. If that is what you want. Just remember, you will not change your husband. The only person you can change is yourself. I went from a person who was willing to take all the humiliation and pain to one who would not put up with it. I moved on to a better life for myself. I found a better man. You can too. You have the ability to build a better life. If you decide to stay with your husband, I would scrap the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. If you find out he is doing this again. Leave for good is my advice. Take all you can with you to build a new life and don't look back. It is not worth crying over. If he gets involved with the other woman again, just remember, he will cheat on her too. A cheat always cheats. She did not get a prize package. So, kick him to the curve and move on.Keep your chin up! I will be praying for you.
2006-10-23 03:23:58 · answer #1 · answered by Marie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think one of the first steps is to acknowledge that though this has been going on, its really him that did it. One of my best friends told me that he had been cheated on by every girlfriend he had ever had. His way of dealing with it was to acknowledge the infidelity, realize that he had done nothing wrong, terminate the relationship, get at the reason he was attracted to that person in the first place, and don't do it again. In other words, YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE, you're lucky if you can control yourself. Also, if you intend to stay together, for your own peace of mind, you need to find out what was so attracting for him to behave in this manner.
The psychological side of this is that this is truly who he is. You know him better than anyone. You've had a don't ask don't tell policy, so obviously this kind of behavior is accepted. If you intend to stay together, then you have to accept that this behavior may be repeated at some point, though if you're married for 30 yrs., I'd guess that the two of you are in your 50's and at some point biology is going to intervene. This may have been a one time event before he finally settles down. You know his history better than anyone, "most leopards can't change their spots".
Strange dynamics in that age group; women thought that at some point, sex would be less important, but Viagra changed all that. The fittest men will out live the unfit, and inherit a world where there is less competition, and more choices.
2006-10-23 03:08:35 · answer #2 · answered by sanjuanmiguel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will be miserable - I am sure you are embarassed to carry on as if nothing happened when something did. Take your mask off and face what has happened. Perhaps it is time to end this so-called marriage. 30 years is a long time, but look how you feel after 30 years - it isn't worth this kind of heartache. This happened to my husband's parents and they ended up being divorced. Not to mention before the divorce was even final he moved the "other woman" into their house. I think if anything, you need to go spend time apart and see how he REALLY feels. At least then you can move on and if he truly is devastated he can work on the relationship - or not. Just an idea . . .
2006-10-23 03:09:32 · answer #3 · answered by Michaela 4120 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say it but letting each other cheat in the first place was probably what did it. Casual sex isn't always that casual, sometimes feelings get involved and it looks like that's what happened with your husband. If you want to fix your marriage then you have to learn to trust. Don't try to rush it because it will probably take a very long time....even years. Just keep working at it and keep trying. Stay with the counseling even after you think everything is okay. It will get better, it just takes time to learn to trust someone again. And that's really all you can do is give it time.
2006-10-23 02:52:28 · answer #4 · answered by Beach bum 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Dear Sister! I fully unde4rstand your frustration, anger and depression.Yes! He had done an unpardonable sin by going on with another woman. But you initially said that you had a dont ask & dont tell agreement between yourselves. Understand that you were also at fault in not guaging your husband properly and aloowing him to continue with his extra marital affair for more than an year!!! Still you did not know...eh? Was there some errands in your life also during that time? Like neglecting him,motherhood etc? If you both could get what each other wanted, this would not have happened. There should have been a strong motive for his errands. Thats why when he realized his mistake and your love, he was devastated and but he is ready to forget and support you.And he has been patient and faithful. I feel that you should now consider things of past as past and look forward to a brighter future as if you both are going to be newly married. All the best!! There is no wound that cannot be healed by time & determination!!
2006-10-23 03:30:59 · answer #5 · answered by THE WORRIER 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Umm....I am kind of shocked that it hasn't happened before. Infidelity is nothing to be taken lightley, as you are now finding out. You are just going to have to take yout time, this is not going to go away for months, years, ect. Trust is not something that was even built into your first attempt at marraige with the don't ask don't tell policy that you had. What makes you think that trust is going to magically appear now that you want fidelity in your relationship? Take your time and go slow.
2006-10-23 02:51:10 · answer #6 · answered by The Nag 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
he has got no idea how you feeling and he DOES NOT CARE. Why are you still with him? You must really wake up and get out. he is braking you, you taking medication for that! That is just bull sh@t.No man is worth taking pills and hoping everything is going to be ok. If he cared he wouldn't have cheated on you in the 1st place.I cnt believe u still with him.you dont deserve him and im serious.he's still doing things behind your back.he will never stop!
you sound like a kind person, and there are alot of kind men out there. Life is short, u have to enjoy it.
2006-10-23 02:53:23 · answer #7 · answered by Lady_Y 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You the two made this up, or you're stupid. first of all, of direction your loved ones (quite your sister!) act unusual around him. they're preserving on eye on him making particular he would not start up molesting them at any 2d. 2d of all, there isn't any excuse for cheating so the undeniable fact which you have been being lazy with out a job (on an identical time as that could have sucked for him) continues to be no excuse. in case you want to stay with him, settle for the undeniable fact that no relatives memebers will ever be vacationing and on no account deliver it as much as him returned. while you're no longer prepared to try this, then you definately quite do no longer want to be with him so depart.
2016-10-16 07:22:52 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Dont ask, don't tell" is something that has no business being in a marriage. He didn't break the "rules" he broke his marriage vows and has a problem keeping his pants zipped up. Surely the counseler pointed this out to you. He probably is supportive and loving, no man wants to be taken to the cleaners.
2006-10-23 02:55:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
"He who angers you, controls you". By suffering as much as you are, you are allowing EACH of them to control you, your happiness, your life. I KNOW where you are coming from. You really just have to let it go, despite how hard it is. There is no magic wand that will make it go away-I wish there was. And, I know it does not help, but the feelings will just resurface every time you see this woman. But, you cannot let it show. You be the bigger, better person. If you and your hubby are going to work things out, you cannot continue to beat him down over this. You risk losing him that way. You can forgive & forget or you can harbor your anger and risk doing so alone.
If you need a friendly shoulder to cry on, email me.
Best of luck to you!
2006-10-23 02:53:26 · answer #10 · answered by laneydoll 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋