For 18 years of marriage my husband was agressive and controlled everything. Where he comes from men are head of family but I think that position stressed him. I put up with it for the sake of our daughter now 16 but I was very unhappy. However, I loved and still love him very much. Last year I found out he was having an affair and taking Viagra (he is 41). I was very hurt. He said affair didn't mean anything etc etc but he wanted to move out so he could re-assess what he wants to do in life as he always had to please others and compromise. Now he lives alone but comes back to our house every weekend. He treats me really well and we are enjoying our time together, but I can't understand why he needs to live away from us in order to treat us well? When I suggest that perhaps he should stay away in order to work out what he wants he gets upset and says he won't be given ultimatums, but I don't think thats what I am asking. Can't he see what he is doing to me?
2006-10-23 00:17:23 · 13 answers · asked by Nancy S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's playing mind games with you he knows that after 18yrs it's cheaper to keep you he knows exactly what he wants he wants his other women on the side which is why he moved out and gave you that bs line of sh*t that he wants to move out so that he can find out what he wants as he has always had to please others don't make excuses for him he wants the best of both worlds and wants to visit you on weekends because you are his security blanket and he knows this you love him and he knows when the other women throw him away you will be there to lick his wounds move on you deserve so much better than your so called confused husband who feels that he's the man because of Viagra and other women are paying him attention sounds like he's a total control freak both when he lives with you and when he doesn't don't give him ultimatums just tell him or should I say show him you mean business if you have an address for him serve his azz with divorce papers stating exactly what you want in the divorce settlement guaranteed he will magically know exactly what he wants then wish you well.
2006-10-23 01:41:38 · answer #1 · answered by CaliMa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I found out my husband of 17 years was having an affair, I was crushed. I even slashed my wrist with a steak knife when he told me she was better at oral sex than I was. I loved this man very much, and we had 2 sons at the time both teenagers. He moved into a hotel for 2 weeks, and then moved back home. However, the affair didn't stop. He "couldn't decide". Well, I made the decision for him. I found out about the affair the first weekend in March, and April 15th I kicked him out. I don't regret my decision. 6 weeks of this crap is enough. I feel I gave him adequate time to decide; I didn't act hastily. If I ever go through that again, 6 weeks is the MAX time I would allow. You will find a strength you didn't know you had after you get this jerk out of your life. I sure wish I had a forum like this when I was going through my problems. Have strength!
2006-10-23 00:26:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is treating you well because he is happy he is not living with you. He is having his cake and eating it too. He will continue this for as long as possible.
The other answerers were right, he is still controlling you! He may also be treating you well because if time comes for a divorce, he will not get the full anger from you. Why are you waiting for your husband to decide? It's your choice, it's your life too. The question is how long are you going to wait for him? It's your move if you want it to be.
2006-10-23 01:16:22 · answer #3 · answered by wondering 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can't you see what he is really doing? I believe you can, but your love for him keeps you hoping and waiting. Your husband is STILL very controlling.He knows exactly what he is doing and he is happy with things just as they are. He can only control you as long as you allow him to control you. You said you put up with him for the sake of your daughter, but in the process you have raised your daughter to believe that it is normal for a husband to treat his wife in this manner. Do you want the same for your daughter? I would hope not. If you haven't been able to find the strength to get away from this man for yourself, find it for your daughter so she may see that a woman can be strong and does not have to be disrespected by any man.
2006-10-23 00:51:37 · answer #4 · answered by kandekizzez 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It isn't his decision to make. It is yours. After 18 years of mistreatment, you can take control of your own life. I know you love him, and maybe he loves you too in his own messed up way, but regardless, you have to draw the line somewhere....It isn't acceptable for him to have an affiar, talk down to you, or tell you what to do. It isn't acceptable for him to be head of household...as his spouse, you are also head of household.....50/50. You have rights, and you deserve better. I would make a decision and move on. Your daughter is 16 now, which means she is old enough and mature enough to see what your husband has done to you. She will understand if you have a divorce. As her mother and her main female role-model, it is your responsibility to show her how to behave in a relationship.....You don't want her to grow up and be in a relationship with an abusive man, right? Show her a woman needs to stand up for herself.
You can do it! Good Luck!!
2006-10-23 00:46:14 · answer #5 · answered by iloveeeyore 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the better question is Can't YOU see what he's doing to you? You've spent the good years of your life trying to bend and cater to a man who is disrepecting you, doesn't love you and doesn't care that you're hurting.
Why? You need to love yourself more than that, and put him out of your life. Why is he the only one who matters? Don't you matter too?
Be good to yourself first and tell him to stay away. You don't need to be treated that way.
Grow a backbone because when he's really through with you, he will leave for good ,and you'll be left devastated and reeling, wondering why you put up with it for so long.
2006-10-23 00:55:28 · answer #6 · answered by wayouthere 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he may want to keep having affairs but still wants the security of marriage. Living away from you gives him those options. Seems like a pretty good deal to me, but, then, I am a male. It is hard to believe he suddenly changed his whole abusive personality, turned on a dime. More likely, he is sticking it to you in some other way. Sorry, but I had to call this one like I see it. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
2006-10-23 00:23:24 · answer #7 · answered by Jack P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
mmm having his cake and eating it too?
he has his life outside but comes home on the weekends and expects happy families?
Kick him to the curb and tell him when you have made a decision on weahter to continue this relationship or not you will let him know but make sure he stays away, and has contact with your daughter away from the house.
sometimes we love a person becasue we have been with them for so long and especially if we have kid with them, think carefully about what sort of love you have for your husband.
2006-10-23 00:21:58 · answer #8 · answered by ozi_nut 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have already answered your own question... He does this because he wants to maintain control over you. Don't let him in the door. Change the locks! Tell you kids to wait outside for him to pick them up.
2006-10-23 00:47:32 · answer #9 · answered by Jane Smith 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He wants to have his cake and eat it too get on with your life and don't let him control you anymore.File for the divorce and start enjoyning life ..he's a jerk
2006-10-23 03:13:12 · answer #10 · answered by kittykitty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋