I am in a real pickle,I do not know if I want to continue to be married...?

Question

I have been married for 10 years. Now I am questioning if I want to continue on. My husband is not the emtional type. However all I have ever asked him to do is to be tender and he instead cuts me down with harsh words and never listens to me. He has never cheated on me or has laid a hand on me. His words are what hurt the most. I am left with confusion and a broken heart and really do not know which way to turn. Please give me some insight on what to do.

I also left out we have 4 kids and I have stayed for them and now I am just tired.

Answer 1

It is so ironic to me that I happened to stumble upon your question. I thought about writing in, yet again (!), for some advice on the EXACT topic myself. Although I have not been that religious for quite sometime now, I prayed tonight that God would give me a push in the right direction because I am so confused about my husband who also provides me no emotional support, what-so-ever...

I am currently pregnant with our second child (due Jan. 12th - another boy). My first is now just 16 months old. I am 37yo and didn't expect to get pregnant again quite so soon, but did want another.

Anyway, this has been a rocky year - my dad died Xmas eve suddenly, his gram died in March (closer to her than his mom), he had major surgery on his ear, his youngest sister had her 1st child, and then we found out I was pregnant again so soon. (There's much more but won't go into anymore details...) There's been lots of stress, good and bad. He started sleeping in our spare bedroom - found out it was so he could sneak and hide DRUGS!! and ALCOHOL!! He had turned to these things, and not me. Is your husband doing either? I was not so shocked about the alcohol, but the drugs! Alcohol was also increased dramatically and was hiding tons of bottles in the connecting attic.

I gave him a surprise drug test (clues were he was staying up all night, sleeping days away and normally he is a morning person, even more emotionally abusive than usual,...) Drug test was bought at a drug store - even Walmart - and tests for most all kinds of drugs. He tested positive for cocaine.

I gave him an ultimatum - rehab or losing us! We "compromised" on individual counseling for him and I am going to my own counselor to help me through this emotionally - until he can get his addictions taken care of marriage counseling has been/will be no use. Well, about a month into it he was having the same relapsing symptoms of the cocaine use and I just KNEW - here we go again! So I insisted on 2X/wk individual counseling and at least an intensive outpatient treatment for drugs/alcohol or he would lose us!

He starts the outpatient on 10/30. (I suspect he'll go, but don't expect him to stick it out. When/if that happens, I have a temporary restraining order typed up to get him out of the house, give me temp child support and alimony, give me use of our one vehicle.) I am currently a stay-at-home mom and am almost 7 months pregnant. No one would hire me now! He has been a good provider - financially, and is a good dad, but he cusses and yells and gets drunk/high in front of our child. He has made my life utterly burdensome and provides absolutely NO EMOTIONAL SUPPORT to me what-so-ever. This pregancy has been so difficult. I feel like a single mom already.

Everything he says is negative and being around him is like being sucked into a black hole. Seriously! Don't know if any of these things are helping YOU or not, but if unsure about drugs, test him.
DEMAND your rights. You do not have to put up with this! (I know, I need to take my OWN ADVICE, huh?!) What is it they say? It's easier to give advice than take it! (Guess God really is giving me that "push" I prayed about!)

My parents yelled in front of me and my siblings all our lives. I actually prayed they'd get divorced. They never did. I used to hate my dad for how he treated my mom. I was never close to him. My mom said she stayed for "us kids". I resented her for that. I used to beg her to leave him! He had her self-esteem so low, as he was the major bread-winner, that she convinced herself she would have to leave with nothing! Truth is, she could've gotten most everything (including us kids!) All 4 of our self esteems have been greatly affected as well - I have suffered several bouts of clinical depression/anxiety attacks, my sister is very non-affectionate and stressed and somewhat of a "wine-o", my brothers have tried to hide theirs but have also experienced extreme stress and anxiety attacks. YELLING/Arguing around kids AFFECTS THEM GREATLY - actually a form of child abuse (as they know now)!! I always SWORE to myself I'd never end up in this situation, but after much counseling I think I ended up here because it wasn't comfortable, but familiar. It's an environment I was "used to". Sad, huh?

I cry when he isn't around - or he'll laugh or make fun of me. And when I ask him for emotional support, he tells me I'm needy, clingy, and need help!! He doesn't so much as hug me when he goes away and comes back home for a week to another country with his job. He blames me for "bugging" him!

I have told him one too many times ("cried wolf") that I will not keep putting up with this and that I'm going to come to my senses when he least expects it. (Truth is, I want so badly to keep believing in him and I love him and don't want to tear our family apart, but honestly, I am just in love with his POTENTIAL!)
Is any of this true for you?

I do know my husband never learned as a child how to be emotional. (Though he is WAY beyond the age of accountability and knows right from wrong, so this is not an excuse!) He was abused as a child by a step-father. His mom is not that emotional, but much more than him. This is why he needs individual counseling. What is your husband's history?

Regardless of your situation and it's differences, build up your self esteem - it has to be low for you to allow this to go on plus his emotional abuse over the years... Go to individual counseling at least. Look at the laws for your state. If nothing else, do it in small doses like me - get a free consult at an atty to see your possible rights. If joint acct, transfer money to your own individual acct - at least put away "emergency funds". Get P.O. Box for address. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE DOING ANY OF THIS! See if he'll go to marriage counseling and if not, when you are ready - give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't follow thru - try to get him out of the house by temporary restraining order requesting the house, car, child support, alimony, etc. See how this effects him. Then if all else fails, take the money you set aside and get separation papers drawn up. Some people have to hit "rock bottom" before they will consider changing. If still no change, go thru with the divorce! If he doesn't change after all that, he was never going to and you'd be miserable the rest of your life! Do you want that? Do you want your kids to resent YOU for putting THEM thru this? YOU have control over exposing them to HIM and his barbaric treatment (either watching him put you down or yelling at you or possible yelling and putting THEM down!)

As Dr. Phil would say, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." (And it would take a dramatic, immobilizing life event to ever change either of our husbands! Depending on how they internally feel about us, as their wives, and their kids - that may be a start if they really see they are losing us and not just us crying "wolf" again! Actually going through with it! But, that cannot be our main focus, we have to do it for US and our KIDS because we truly deserve better. It may backfire if we are only doing it to gauge their reactions!)

My heart is with you! Writing this helped ME organize MY thoughts... Thank you... Email me ANYTIME!

Answer 2

Belive me, you want to be married, but not to him. And you should be, but not to him! Ask for a divorce, give him two of your 4 children. He's never laid a hand on you? That's good. Then maybe his hurtful words are true, and he doesn't know how else to say what he's trying to say. If the only problems are he never listens and is never tender to you, then you need a new husband.

Answer 3

Do you have kids? That always adds a twist to things.

To answer your question, it is an unfortunate fact that some men just aren't tender. My husband doesn't cut me down with harsh words or anything, but he definately is not the one I turn to when I need someone to be "tender". I find girlfriends are better at this than my husband.

I was having some problems with my husband a few years back. I took an antidepressant for about 8 months and it really helped. It made me realize that I was contributing some bad behavior of my own to our relationship that in turn caused him to react to me in the negative way he did.

I'm not saying any of this is your fault, but sometimes we get in a vicious circle in life and it is hard to find a way out.

If your behavior is provoking the situation, it is best to try to resolve it or you continue this bad behavior in your next relationship.

Answer 4

Was he like this when you married or is this a recent development? If it's recent, what has changed? Why is he doing this now? If he was like this all along I would have to ask why it's all of a sudden bothering you now?

The only remedy I see is to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart letting him know that your emotional needs are not being met and that you are lonely. Ask if he's willing to try to change. Ask if he's willing to go to counseling. Tell him you love him and you want to work things out but that there is a real problem here and it needs to be fixed. If he is unwilling then he doesn't care enough about you to be in a marriage with you.

No easy answers to this one. God bless you sweetie! Saying a prayer you make the right decision.

Answer 5

I have been in some harsh relationships like emotional and physical abuse. Women need that emotional loving as well as physical attention. Emotional abuse is just as bad. Tell him what you want and that there may be something to happen if it doesn't change. Give him a chance. Don't expect it to change in a day. I know that it has been 10 years although he may need you to show affection of this is serious and to step up before he looses you. I will help you through this. I am here if you need more advice or to talk.

Answer 6

I have never been married and o do not have kids but i'ev seen my parents go through a divorce. you guys have been to gether for 10years that is along time to be with someone and i think you should sit down with him and tell him i want you to say it like you mean it tell him this is your last chance and if you do not change your ways soon then you are leaving and takeing the kids a kid should not see him treat you like that i saw my dad treat my mom like that and it made me hate him so so bad and i was glad they got a divorce but a year latter they got back together and now they are great he is alot alot better then he ever was i would give another chance and if it didnt work then i would leave you diserve happiness and some one who is going to love you more but i hope the best for you and your kids hopefully everything will work out God Bless You All.

Answer 7

Emotional abuse can be just a harmful as physical abuse..The question is, "Do you LOVE this man ?" You haven't given much info regarding your relationship. Are there any kids? How old are they? Do you deserve better, or are you a total B**** from Hell? Is this his and your first marriage? Have you been unfaithful ? Give us 10 reasons to leave today and 10 reasons to stay. Also tell is all about your sex life...most marriages run into difficulty for one of three reasons, 1- Sex. (One of you is no longer satisfied)2.-Money..(Not enough or Too much) 3.- No longer physically attractive. (Somebody got Fat....the other one is pissed.)

Give us a little more infor...if you really want answers...

Answer 8

Emotional abuse is still abuse. It may not leave physical scars but effects every aspect of your life. Your children deserve better too. Staying for them can actually hurt them terribly in the long run. Think about it would you want your children to grow up thinking that this type of relasionship is normal and ok. Get out now and don't look back. You also need to get counseling for the damage he's already done. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better.

Answer 9

You deserve to have happiness in your life. Do not continue to live a lie. You have tried to make it work for 10 years. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE so don't ask him to anymore. Sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. If you have children, tell him that you are not going to try and take his kids...). Don't tell him how you are feeling until you are ready to walk out the door. Then just go. After spending time apart you will have more insight into the situation...and so will he.

Answer 10

My husband is not the emotional type either, deal with it. Harsh words and not being listened to are soul destroying though, I know this one too. Counselling is alot cheaper than divorce and it worked for us. I also bought a bunch of marriage work books and read them to him at bedtime and they helped ALOT. You really need to exhaust all options before tearing apart 4 childrens lives.

Answer 11

With children it always makes it harder. i know cause it sounds like what I'm going through. I've asked my husband to do the counselling thing but he just says he doesn't have a problem its me who has the problem. We have to stand up for ourselves and also the future of our children.. Our children can see the effects of this damaging relationship and it is hurting them even if we don't think so. we try to say we're protecting our kids by staying married but i'm not sure we are! I know I have to do something to get out of this relationship, but it is hard.I'm going to go talk to a counsellor by myself, since my husband won't. Maybe it'll help...it can't hurt. i suggest you start with the same and the best of luck to you!