My husband is driving me crazy...?

Question

My husband is studying for a test. Really he is NOT studying--he's procrastinating but every time he comes near me he wants me to ask him quiz him on information he doesn't even understand. So I sit there for about ten minutes asking questions then get frustrated. Is it wrong of me to not want to help him study? We have two boys (one of which is in school with FAS) and I feel like I'm constantly quizzing someone, making a PB&J, cleaning a diaper, or giving baths. It's not that I don't want to help him but I want him to help himself before he needs me. I don't know how to get the point across that it's not that I don't want to help him but that I have better things that need to get done. Does this make any sense? If you were in the situation what would you do?

I forgot to add aswell--he'll say he needs to study then go into our room and fall asleep OR he'll say he needs to study when I need his help. He mostly uses it as an excuse to get out of doing things but never really studies. When he does study...he wants me to help him--but at that point I"ve normally got something to do.

Okay for the last answerer--just so you know--I'm a stay at home mom. I do have things to do. When he gets home he doesn't do anything and then when I need his help--he says he needs to study. No matter what that's his excuse now and I cannot even tell you how many times I've gone into the bedroom after getting the cooking dinner, doing the dishes, getting the boys ready for bed, and sometimes even in bed (normally takes 3-4 hours) I go in our room and find him asleep with his book already shut. One of them is in school but I don't know if you know about the challenges of FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) but trust me it gets tough. He isn't in school all day because he's only in pre-K. Therefore from about 11:30am on I have my hands full with not only one but two kids. On of which has a severe form of almost retardation. If that isn't a tough day tell me what is.

I don't mind caring for my kids. I do however mind taking care of a kid who is 21 and just begging for attention. Don't you think if he might help me once in a while--when I ask--I may help him?

Answer 1

Tell your husband you allready have two kids and you don't need another one right now!! lol... Men are really hard too understand some times, well ok, all the time..
I think if i were in this situation I would just sit my hubby down and have an honest talk with him, make him sit and listen too you, ( men have this habit of really not listening,as I'm sure you know ) Tell him you do want too help him, BUT only if he studying BEFORE he ask you too quiz him on the questions..Be firm..Tell him that when he starts taking studying seriously, you'll help him. Tell him you have your hands full with the kids and the house, and you just don't have time too waste on someone that doesn't even try too study before he's asked the questions!! He should get the point, but if he doesn't, just stay firm, eventually he will..Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you..you've been trying too help him, but he has too start helping himself first!!! Good Luck !!

Answer 2

Tell your husband to find a place out of your home to study. This way he may not be distracted and get a better understanding of what ever he is studying for. As far as the quizzing goes you may find yourself more patient if he can answer the questions correctly the first time you ask. This way it takes up less of your time and he isn't frustrated. He should also set specific times to study that way he can be a good husband and father and help out around the house. I have 3 kids under the age of 7 and a demanding job that requires 10 to 12 hour days and I make a point to help out so my wife remains understanding of my needs as well as keeping her from going insane.

Answer 3

seems to me that you just have had enough of all of this and you need a break. Find time for yourself each day even if its just a hour..you deserve at least that much. Go do somthing for yourself, go for a shop buy a new pair of shoes something, or visit a old friend you havent seen or talked to in a while..anything at all that includes you and only you. Than talk to your husband about all of this stuff thats going on with you. communication is the key as you already know i am sure. But letting him now that you want to help him but its just too much right now with they kids and now him..testing everyone in the house on quizes and things are driving you crazy. Tell him that you will help him out a few times out of the week only if he give you what you want as well. Such as some one on one time with him, a romantic dinner for two or anything that involves just the two of yous and not talking about work or tests. I am sure he will understand and want you to have this time with him as well as time by yourself. But you need to tell him how your feeling so than he gets the right idea and doesnt jump to the wrong one.

Answer 4

My husband is currently a grad student right now and he is a perfectionist as well as a procrastinate...those to don't do well together...If he needs help studding maybe he can join a study group with his peers....maybe he can go into school early say at 8am through the week and study there that way he doesn't have interruptions and yet u don't have to worry about him falling asleep too....if he is having that much trouble to where he needs your help all the time than maybe he should take fewer classes or get a tutor....my husband doesn't really need help allot my problem with him mainly regard to his time management....so he started arriving at school at 8am and stays till about 4 pm that way he gets most of his stuff done at school when he comes home its family time after our daughter goes to bed we either spend time together or he works on his stuff till no later than midnight..that way he gets enough sleep...it's great that u want to help him but then again he needs to take advantage of doing his work at school because that is where he will more than likely get it done at a faster rate and the teachers would be available to answer any questions he might have....some schools offer help labs for writ ting and math too....good luck

Answer 5

Well, if you have any children of your own, maybe he could see the difference between the two sets of behaviors. You may see if you can find him some support groups or counseling to see if there is something he can do within himself to set up some boundaries. The bad part is that this children have been conditioned to their behavior for a long time and will carry this through many other relationships. Children may get upset to find that the parent has changed 'hats' and is now being a genuine parent, but as far as losing them, I think the only thing they will lose is their lack of respect for him, and maybe build some respect now that they see he has a backbone. Good Luck to you both. : )

Answer 6

Maybe your husband has a learning disability. My boyfriend does and he has a hard time concentrating. He's in Special Education. I'm in the gifted program. I noticed about the gifted kids that they are able to concentrate and often sit and study for a long time. Maybe he's worried because the test is for a better job and he's afraid of letting down his family. I think you should stroke him and tell him you love him and you're really proud of him. My mom does that to my dad when he's stressed about his job. My dad is a police detective but he's always getting in trouble with his supervisors and co workers because his methods of working are very unorthodox. In spite of that he's one of the best they have and they don't dare get rid of him because he solves most of the cases he gets.

My mom said that men never completely grow up. They go from there mothers to their wives and always have the "little boy" in them. Reassure him and tell him you love him and SUPPORT him so he can do the best job on his test and earn more money for his family.

Answer 7

I feel your pain. I told my husband that he is responsible for his own education. That I would be happy to give my input on his papers and things but that I was not going to be as invested in his schooling as he has to be.

Tell your hubby that he needs to learn good study skills now, or school will only become more difficult. That once he has the material down you would be happy to do a 15 minute review with him once the kids are asleep and you have time, but not until he has the material memorized and you are ready to help.

Answer 8

Your husband is an adult, knows what needs to be done, and should be responsible for doing it, or suffering the consequences. Don't help him again unless he has done the background reading and studying. If he flunks the test, maybe he'll wake up and take it more seriously next time. Let him dig his hole and then fall in it - it's the only way he will learn.

Answer 9

OK so here's my opinion, I am a 40yr old husband and father and have been married for 21 years, and to me it seems a "man" would be busy supporting his family and not going to school, or playing like he needs to decide whether or not to grow up just yet. you sound like a woman who is trying not to be her husbands mother, I am a little sad for you because he is playing this game. BUT.... you picked him and its a little hard for me to believe that you didn't know that he is immature and child like in his thinking .....anyways..... I feel it would be in your families best interest if you put your foot down with him because its your responsibility to do so.... tell him that he is not acting like the man you supposedly married, but more like your eldest son. and tell him you need him to be the MAN and FATHER he should be......I hope you both get past this so you can enjoy being a family again.

PS don't be his mother any more,,,,what you said makes a lot of sense... he needs to grow up schooling or not he has a family. don't let him wimp out on you...his mother did that while he was growing up she let him be wishy washy and turned him into a mamma's boy and now you have to remind him he should be a man now

Answer 10

I would help him, or prepare for a divorce. Your husband is asking for your help. You are telling him that he's just going to have to fend for himself, and that the children are more important. One of them is in school, which means that for at least part of the day, you've only got one child on your hands. Keep this up, and he'll realize you don't really care about him, and that you will "help" him only according to your rules and your standards, and if he obeys them, then you'll help. The line about how you have "better things" to do was especially nice. What do you think it feels like to hear that? If you don't start making his needs a priority, he's going to leave.