Just found out about husbands affair?

Question

We have 2 toddlers who adore him. We're getting a divorce. Dont know what to do next?

He says its all my fault, I forced him to do it and he's moving in with her, so counseling and working it out isnt an option.

Answer 1

Whatever happens between you and your husband PLEASE do not let it affect is relationship with your children. It will hurt them more than it will hurt him and later the will resent you for causing the rift between them and their dad.

And I don;t condone his actions by any means, but have you tried or even thought about counseling? This is of course a totally personal decision. If you don't try you'll never know.

Regardless, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let your kids see/hear you fight or speak badly of each other. It will be hard enough on them as it is. My husbands ex-wife got re-married before he did, but still holds everything against him. His kids are miserable because their mom won't quit using them as leverage. Its heartbreaking. Please love your children enough to NOT do this to them.

Good luck, I hope your wounds heal quickly.

Answer 2

If he refuses any counseling or any chances to work it out, then why waste your time with him. Right now is the time to focus on your children. Take care of them and yourself. Maybe your family and some close friends could help you through it. Be civil in front of your kids and I hope the best for all involved. Life will get better.

I It has to be hard, you think to yourself about all the effort that went into raising these kids. These babies that you carried faithfully for nine months. You feel betrayed, hurt, and let down. You keep wondering what you did wrong. As long as you didn't do anything wrong, there are no justifiable grounds for cheating. Just make sure you know that

GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

What a jerk to try and blame this on YOU! It was NOT your fault no matter what he says. He may have said this as a way to take the blame off him, but understand it was HIS fault.

You are wise to start the divorce. This is not a real marriage if he is posting blame on you for his affair. Keep the relationship civil in front of the kids but let your lawyer chew him up.
Best of luck you sound like a very wonderful woman because you are concerned for your toddlers.

Answer 4

If he is willing and you are too, would conseling help? Children NEED both a mom and a dad. Not a mom and step dad. No one can replace either of you. Try to work it out. It is a proven fact that couples that face rough times, and work through it are far happier than couples who split up. After all, when they split up they just take the same problems they avoided facing into a new relationship. Second marriages have a divorce rate of about 70%, third marriages even higher. So why do you want to move into that?

See if he'll go to counseling.

Trust in G-d, too. Most guys when they have a relationship with Christ turn out to be pretty decent cuz they want to obey the L-rd. He says be faithful, love your wife. Good advice if you ask me.

Answer 5

First let me say that I am so sorry and I'm sending a hug your way. Now, if you don't have a lawyer of your own, get one. Even if you don't need spousal support he should be expected to contribute to the financial support of his children--this includes making sure that they are listed as dependents for his employer provided benefits, like health insurance.
If you don't have a job of your own, get one. If you have been a stay at home mom, go to school. Do ask for spousal support in this scenario, at least for a some specified period of time, so that you can afford school and day care for the children.
Also, make sure that you have your own insurance and take stock in your financial situation.
Stay civil with your ex. If you are like me you will still want to claw his eyes out a few years from now. But your children adore him, and you adore them, so do it for the kids. That doesn't mean that you have to see him though. Until you're ready to see him again, you can drop the kids with someone else, like your folks, his folks, a friend, when he's to see them.

Take time for yourself. Enjoy friends and family and don't be in a rush to find someone new.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I went thru a divorce with out kids and it is very difficult and painful. But, I do suggest you go through with it. I know you must be absolutely heartbroken and scared to death. What really helped me get through it was leaning pretty heavy on my parents and siblings for emotional support...and what ever other support they could lend. I just humbly accepted their help and didn't argue with them. They were great. I hope you have some of these kinds of people in your life...

You may or may not need a lawyer. The case of not needing one is if you can both come to an agreement on how to split property and how to handle child care responsibilities. IF you can agree on all of these issues - then you really do not need a lawyer. Lawyers are very expensive and most of what they will do for you in a divorce if force the both of you to come to an agreement on your settlement. If you are not well off some people get divorce papers on-line and it is very cheep and you do not need to pay thousands of dollars in lawyer bills. In either case - you should get a few free consultations from some lawyers in your area.

In my divorce I really didn't need my lawyer at all and it was a waste of money for me to hire him - but I didn't know that at the time. Me and my ex didn't agree on everything - but all the lawyer did was force us to agree on something. If you live in a state like Michigan - where there it is called "no fault divorce" - his cheating will not get you anything. It will not help you win more in the divorce settlement at all. It will still be 50/50 split - or what ever agreement you come to.

I prayed allot. I came out way ahead because he agreed to take all of our accumulated debt and I walked away with just my car, clothes and a few items. But I was debt free. So, God can work in your favor if you are a believer. God can work all this out and make you better off in the long run.

After my divorce I met the man of my dreams - my true soul mate. Maybe you will find such happiness - I truly hope so.

Answer 7

If your husband had an affair, it is NOT your fault. He's just using that for an excuse to make the situation ok for him. I say move on, and know that it will be okay. He had choices, and he chose the road he is living. Let him go and don't look back. Once a cheat always a cheat. Best wishes!!

Answer 8

Really sorry to know this. You will move on with time. Know that this is not the first time this has happened to someone. This has happened in the past with people and will happen in the future. Thats how humans are. Learn from the experience...thats really important. Become stronger and wiser. Let the kids see the dad every once in a while or they can stay with him or something...you can workout something.

Find someone better faithful and compassionate...dont make the same mistake again...

I wish you luck!

Answer 9

Figure out one thing at a time;

-Finances
-Chldren
-House
-Cars
-Bills

Make sure your children are taken care of. Be sure to save some money for their education and try to make him agree to that in court. You have to try and stay civil no matter how much you want to run over and cut his D***K off but think about how much more pain and suffering you would go through them. Sadly, this happens all the time but luckily there are organizations and support groups to get you through. Get everything ironed out with the lawyer, don't agree to anything away from court. He doesn't want child support, get it in writing. He'll give you the house, same thing. Cover your *** because now it's all about you and those kids.

If you have no problem with him seeing the children agree to a custody/visitation agreement. Don't use them as weapons to get what you want. Separation and divorce are very hard on children.

Answer 10

What Sunshine and Joan said. Completely. I've been in your shoes (minus the toddlers - mine was a preteen) and it's not fun. Mine cheated when our son was two. I never completely forgave him. But we moved on and tried to get through it. He cheated 4 yrs. later - I didn't find out about that one for quite awhile (I suspected but that was it). He was later emotionally involved with someone at work (actually all of his extracurricular relationships were with coworkers) but he let that one go when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. After a year of treatments and a few months of recovery he left me for a 21 yr. old, 200 lb. coworker who he stuck with for about 2 1/2 yrs. He just ditched her for someone who works at the apartment complex he now lives in. Believe me - once a cheater always a cheater. He will do whatever he thinks he can get away with - and try to make you feel guilty/responsible for it. Get a good lawyer - DH will have to pay for the majority of the costs (depending what state you live in and the salary differences between the two of you). You will survive. It will be hard for you and for your little ones. Get a very good support network. My son, good family, and great girlfriends are what got me through my worst times. Be well and be strong.

Answer 11

A lie is the way he can manipulate your reactions and emotions. I hope you don't think this is the only time he's lied dear sweet lady. Lies are like roaches: 1. if you actually SPOT one, you can be assured you have a whole colony living behind the walls! 2. There are tell tale 'droppings' that look harmless. (roach dung looks like coffee grounds) 3. There is a distinct smell to both that you eventually become desensitized to.