In a relationship, should a woman judge a man by the wrongs of men throughout history?

Question

A) If a woman fears that her man will wrong her as many men throughout history have wronged their women, should she be in a relationship with him? Shouldn't she, at least, tell him her fears?

B) If a woman marries a man, shouldn't she give him all her trust and let go of all fears? Is it fair for the man if the woman says with her lips "I trust you as my husband", but in her heart says "what if he's like all the other dogs"?

C) If you learned, (somehow) your man/husband said he trusted you, but trully doubted you in his heart, how would you feel?

Answer 1

a) if the woman is going to judge one man unjustly by assuming he is going to be like many (not all) other men in history, she better expect to be judged in the same fashion. Really she should not be in a relationship at all. She should also tell the man that she is going to unfairly be judging him based on the history of others, not his.

b) If a woman is marrying a man that she does not trust, then she has a problem and should tell him so. If she thinks that he is 'like all the other dogs', she should be in counseling and again should expect to be judged based on the history of women, and not just her own history.

c) I would be crushed. However, it would be better to learn that and move on with my life than to live in a relationship where there was no trust.

Answer 2

No. Judge him by the wrongs he does to you. In answer to A: No, don't tell him your fears. Don't jump the gun. Give him the benefit of the doubt unless and until he lets you down. Answer B: Easier said than done, if you have serious trust issues. If in your heart you wonder what if he's like all...perhaps some therapy would help your sort through your trust issues. Answer C: I would feel hurt because I am true blue and loyal and would never cheat on my partner.

Answer 3

It's hard not to be cautious, aware, as we still lick the wounds of our female ancestors, as well as our own. Yet it is unfair to say all men shall be the dog. They all have "dog" traits, qualities so to speak, it's instinct as well as environmental factors, yet some are quite trainable!
I believe to strengthen trust, those fears need to be voiced. Many times when voiced those fears become weakened. Not to mention, that if given the opportunity, a real man will calm those fears, and be the protector that throughout history, and instinct have taught him to be. Hopefully this is true for this man, and he will stand up to the test.
If your heart is weak, don't rely on it's recollection, yet if it's you GUT that tells you to be weary, listen intently, follow it's direction. Your heart will heal safe behind its guidance.
I do know I am not fully trusted yet, but I love and believe enough that time, and love can heal all wounds. Airing those wounds is a great place to start the healing process. I don't feel saddened by the news, nor have I taken offense. I know where his heart has come from, I know what he has sacrificed, and lost. I appreciate his honesty, and look forward to proving my trustworthiness to him. It's a journey, and a chance to rewrite history, if only within my own book.

Answer 4

The question implies you are having doubts or problems with your partner. Each party should judge the other on their personal behaviour. The past only gives a statistical sample of what the group has done in the past. It doesn't show you what any specific individual will do in the present or future. But you can use it to compare present actions against to have an idea where they may be going.

Is this vague enough for you? If I guessed right then now is the time for the two of you to talk.

Answer 5

A) If she fears, she needs to be wise. How to do that? Don't be desperate, needy and dumb. Don't rely on men to take care of you, blaze your own path in life and follow your dreams. Don't give those up for ANYONE, EVER. Discuss it only with a man that deserves your time and will value your concerns. That does not mean you believe them when they say "I'll never cheat on you". You keep your eyes and ears open and make a good choice in a man. The key...take your sweet time and don't get involved sexually and watch your emotions.

B) If you have rational fears, that is normal, all women should be cautious and wise. But, you need to deal with those fears BEFORE you ever marry anyone. In other words, you need to be sure this guy is not a dog; he respects you, he has a good history, he wasn't a male whore, he never gave you a reason to doubt him. He needs to understand you must be reassured by his behavior, in front of you and when you aren't present. You don't tell someone you trust them when you don't. You discuss that if certain things happen, there will be certain consequences. In other words; "I will not accept this behavior, it is a deal killer".

C) I wouldn't feel so hot, but, then if I knew the background and I loved the person, I would bend over backwards to make sure they never had reason to doubt me. That is love.

Answer 6

A) Trust isn't given, or if it is, it shouldn't be -- the man should earn it. Any woman with a shred of common sense probably will fear that her man will hurt her. But over time, he could prove himself. I think it would be honest for her to share her fears, though.

B) Marriage should come after trust has been earned. But it's good to be safe. My mother loves my father dearly, but she kept enough money hidden for the first 10 years of their marriage that, if she'd had to, she could've left him and started over. He was a little hurt when he found out on their 11th anniversary, but he was also pleased (she used the money on stuff they'd been wanting for the house).

C) I know my husband trusts me, and sometimes I'm sad when he doesn't FULLY or completely trust me. For instance, when I went out to dinner with my gorgeous, genius ex, my husband was wicked jealous and I was pretty annoyed with him for being such a big baby about it. But he didn't try to stop me from going.

I was glad that my husband didn't so fully trust me that he didn't worry any at all (it's good to feel wanted). But I was also glad that he trusted me ENOUGH. I think I can handle the lack of perfect trust, so long as there is substantial trust there (and there should be, if you're married!).

Answer 7

A) If fears like that dictated our actions we would get absolutley nothing done in our lives. I think that a trust issue such as that should be discussed, especially if you care about the individual you are in the relationship with.

B)You shouldn't go into marriage with those feelings. It shouldn't even be an issue. You are vowing to spend the rest of your life with that man, and he deserves your full trust and respect. If you are unable to give him those two things, don't get married.

C) I would be truly devastated.

Answer 8

First, you need to work your trust issues out before you commit to a relationship or you will be doomed from the begining. Second, you can't judge an entire gender based on perceived misdeeds done by one of their members (also- remember there are always two sides to every story). I was upfront with my boyfriend about my cares and concerns and we keep an open and honest dialogue. If you can't trust someone it doesn't not necessarily mean they are untrustworthy, you could be projecting your own fears.

Answer 9

a) Never tell a man everything! You don't know everything that's going on in your mind anyway, and it might change tomorrow. Meanwhile, he'll be stuck back on what you told him last week!
(Note: The Bible says, "Perfect love casts out fear.")

b) It depends on what the topic is. If he's weak with money, be careful. etc.

c) My husband did that. It felt like infedility to me. I was so hurt, so furious. It was so totally unfounded. I am not responsible for what anyone else has done. I have never been unfaithful.

Answer 10

No, a woman shouldn't judge a man by the wrongs of men througout history. We may be able to learn from past relationship situations, and thus be mindful of the clues that may alert us to past behaviors, but judging, no.