What do I do?

Question

I have been dating someone for three years now. I am divorced with three kids and have joint custody. My boyfriend is paralyzed and the weather where we live is cold and snowy and it makes it hard for him in the winters. He wants to move but I am stuck on what to do because of my children.I do not want to leave them and I know my EX would fight me. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions that would be great.

Answer 1

are you crazy!...choosing a man over your children! you must not love them if you even have to ask....you might as well give your children to your ex since he is willing to fight for them.........pathetic!

Answer 2

If you have three children and their father is a good father, you need to put their needs first. If you have a job and friends and relatives where you live, you need to also consider that. Finally, why is this man still your boyfriend? I wouldn't uproot my life for anyone I wasn't married to, period. I'm thinking he's not giving you the real reason he wants you all to move - I think it might not be the weather, but wanting to get you away from the ex. Just some things to think about before you make a decision. Good luck.

Answer 3

For me this depends on how old your children are and how much they need you as a mother in their lives. As a parent I really don't think you can ever put your own needs ahead of your children, so I can see the tough spot that you find yourself in. I would say that your best bet is to go to your ex and talk to him about this. See if you can arrange some kind of visitation that would allow for this to work. You may be the one that ends up having to lose some time with your kids here... I know that it is difficult for the new person in your life, but if he really has to move then he needs to do what is best for himself too. Good Luck. Try to talk it out... find something that works.

Answer 4

It is too bad about your boy friend. You ex has his parental rights too though. The kids really come first, right now they have both parents. If your thoughts are for your boy friend then maybe you need to move to the warmer climes and commute to see the kids. Your ex is really not fighting you, he has a right to help in bringing up the kids. After all you did agree to this when you divorced.

Answer 5

Your children need to come first!
Seriously why would anyone do that to there kids, if your boyfriend is being selfish then tell him to f&^* off seriously your children are always going to be there. You boyfriend needs to compensate with you. Buy him a heating blanket or whaever it takes, honestly if you move your children will never forgive you they'll think you chose the man over then which would be true.

If your boyfriend loves you then he will learn to dealw ith it, your family will be there men come and go as you know this already.

Answer 6

Your kids come first. They grow up way to fast not to put their needs first. If your guy loves you, he will understand. If not, let him go. You, as their mother, can NOT leave your children. I can't believe you would even consider doing that! You will cause them all kinds of problems! You have to put them first, that will do wonders for them. It may be trite to say that kids grow up way too fast but they do. You will have your life back someday to do what you want, when you want, but for now your life is being their mother. They need you.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand that, than LOSE HIM. How could you love a man that would take a mother from their children to meet his selfish needs. And by that I'm NOT talking about his handicap.

Answer 7

Boyfriends come and go but your children are forever.

I'm disabled myself and I would never want a woman to sacrifice herself in that way for me.

Edit: The only reason I can think of that it might be okay to put your boyfriend first is if you are somehow responsible for his current condition, and then that would depend on what way you are responsible.

Answer 8

Tell your nre "boyfriend" how you feel and that you really arent ready to make that move. Tell him that you do not want to move farther away from your childeren, cause you want to have a good relationship with them. Maybe by hearing that he will change his mind...but if he puts up a fight about how you should care about him more than anyone else...I would just leave.

Answer 9

Sounds like time for a choice. Who is more important in you life? Will you move with the bf or stay with the children. How old are the children? Could they travel to meet you?

Answer 10

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you.

I have a 7 year old son and stayed in the same city after my ex and I split up so my son could continue to have a relationship with his dad. We split when he was two years old and being from a divorced family myself I know the importance of children having close regular contact with both parents to ensure positive growth and development.

I ended up moving to a different state last year because my son's dad is in the military and kept getting deployed. I had no support so I moved to my home state to be near family and friends who would be able to help me out so my son could be in a stable environment. His dad is fighting me for custody now even though he is still in the military and could be deployed again. He is not thinking about what is best for his son, he is only thinking about himself.

I would encourage you to think about what is best for your children. I know you have a lot of challenges because your boyfriend is paralyzed but the interests of your children need to come first. Do you have family in your current area that help you out? Would you have support to help with kids AND your boyfriend in the new, warmer location. Caring for someone who is paralyzed presents its own difficulties and you will need someone to help you so you don't become worn out.

If you are unable to take care of yourself because you so busy taking care of everyone else you will eventually be good to know one.

You brought your children into the world and you and your EX have a responsibility to make sure they are well adjusted. That will mostly like happen if your children have both parents involved in their day to day lives. I'm also assuming both parents (you and your EX) are good influences and not fighting in front of the kids or subjecting them to things that would be detrimental to their well-being.

Other things to consider: how old are the kids? how is there relationship with their dad? is there other family in your current area? how far do you want to move away? how often would the kids get to see their dad? what would you do to ensure they continue to have a relationship with their dad? where would the kids spend holidays? how would they get there? who would pay? what if they wanted to live with dad? would you split up the kids? what impact would that have on them? could you live with it if your kids hated you because you took them from their dad (that's what they would think)?

With all that said, if you are still considering moving you should check with a lawyer because depending on what state you live in the court may not let you move with the kids. I had a friend who moved with a new husband and left her son behind to go to the new state to get a place to live, job, etc. Her ex knew it was temporary. While she was doing that, her EX filed a restraining order to keep her from moving. She went to court and they court said the child must stay in the area where their was family and other support. She moved without her son but flew back every 6 weeks to be with her son. It took years for her to get he son back and it was only because she moved back to the state where her son was living with his dad.

Also if you are able to move, the court may make you pay for the expenses of transportation to get your kids back and forth to see their dad because you are the one who chose to move away.

If you can't afford a lawyer you can contact legal aid in your area or if you are internet savvy you can search divorce in your state. The state statutes will give you the laws for moving out of state with your children.

I hope my ramblings were of some help to you. I wish you the best of luck.