How to get rid of your mother-in-law without being mean?

Question

I hate my mother-in-law she now has my husband taking her side and is always yelling at my kids. She doesn't know if she wants to stay or leave and I want her to leave. How do I do it without her or my husband think I'm being mean? Lord knows that I want to but I don't want to lose my husband. I had a great marriage untill she moved in.

Answer 1

EDIT--if you have already read this, please reread as I have changed it and added more to it.
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she is his mother and the reason you had a good man was because of her. Seriously, you can't deny that much of who we are is due to our mothers...who try hard to rear good and wonderful people. Please show her some gratitude for this. Someday your kids will be grown..would you want their spouse to shut you out..try to imagine yourself in her place.

Obviously, she moved in for a reason and with both your consents. You will have to revisit that reason and see if you can brainstorm ways for a different solution that everyone is happy with.. Have a list of solutions ready for when you eventually address it so you will be offering solutions not just making problems (from your husband and MIL's point of view.

You need to truly look to the good in her and the beneifts she brings. to all of your lives. The bible tells us to respect our elders and honor our parents for all they have done for us.
I understand that it is not a good idea for moms to live with their married kids, but she is there now.

f you hates her, as much as it seems, she will resist you further to pay you back ..She will work that much harder to win her son to her side and tick you off as you have subconscioulsy (because body language usually relays our true feeling and women are generally more adept at picking it up than man) put her on the defensive and perhaps angered her. You need top work on her seeing you as a friend and her seeing the two of you in a partnership to improve your marriage and turn out good kids..

Also your kids may pick up your attitude and learn to disrespet older people...or their grandma or dad. Your husband will go more to her side, the more you hate herm, the more he will defend her. He loves you both..this is his mother...In fact, that probably has a lot to do with why he is taken her side. Try to see things from his point of view also.

It may seem that you are being asked here to do all the giving and work and compromising, but you are the one who is being hurt the most and wants this marriage to work, so you will be the one who needs to change. It may not be fair, but it is reality.


You should reevaluate your heart as hatred is not good for you or anyone. It probably destroys you more than her for it eats at your soul, occupies your mind and damages you spiritually.It makes one bitter. You are doing ti for the family but ultimately for you as it will benefit you and all concerned. Practive patience, tolerance, and understanding. If your husband is not on your side, then give yourself validation by bring there for you.

I do understand as I had the mother-in-law from hell, but
you would be better off learning the spiritual lessons this situation brings and building bridges and a genuine relationship with her. Do it right and one day, she will sing your praises and love you dearly.

Talk with her about how she handled such and such problem with her kids, take her advice sometimes, do fun things together, and act lovingly even if you don't feel it. Forgive even when it is so hard. For you are reaping a harvest of benefits in your character by doing so.

Resolve to change yourself because you can't change anyone but you but in you changing, she may also change in response to your changes. Draw her in rather than push her away. Look to her own childhood and see how her hardships have affected her. That helps us to forgive..Maybe she wass pushed asie as a kid and now clings to her chiodren to try to fix the original problem pyschologically.

Have better argument on your behalf if you want your husband to take your side..speak with her about what is and isn't acceptable with your kids as they are your kids. Yet look deeply at the situation to see if she may be right in trying to alter their behavior..if she is acknowledge it and brainstorm with her a united way to try to resolve the particular problem with your child.

If you have a possible solution, enlist her help in implementing it. remmeber, to, she has a lot of parenting experience, so draw on it and learn from it if possible.

Work on this plan for awhile, bind your time, try to think of alternative solutions for the problem she faced that first brought her there and that keeps her there.

Tell your husband (after you have adjusted your attitude and tried to like her better, etc for at least 6 months, that it is straining the marriage if it still is, and tell him how you have tried to fic the problem but it isn't woking (if it isn't still).and how might it be possible to plan for her to move out after a while.

Find some benefits to her from moving out to use as talking points and assure her of liberal visitations with her son and grandkids...ajnd be sure you keep your word if she moves out.

Being older and losing your kids is not easy for a woman. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Be the change you wish to see in her. I am dhocked noone said anything similar to this..some seem to have no tact or diplomacy.
Ask yourself, do you just want someone to give you permission to do what ou want to do and validate your point of view or do you want to genuinely handle this the right way for the long term effects. If it is the latter, try this program out without bitterness and see if things improve. Good luck!

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear about your situation; however, I am more disappointed to hear that your husband is backing his mother in this matter. A man should always back his wife, unless there is something about your situation that has not been completely explained.

You need to set the record straight with your MIL that her behavior is out-of-bounds. It is YOUR home, and you set the rules. You can politely but firmly tell her that her ways need to change, or she can leave. If she thinks that is mean, then it is her problem.

You might also want to look at some marriage counseling, because it is troubling for your husband to be acting like a "mama's boy".

Answer 3

show him this question. sounds like you hit the nail on the head with '' we had a great marriage untill she moved in''. you two chose to make a future with each other, not the three of you. and if mom inlaw is yelling at your kids you have to ask yourself is she in any way in the right?? what are the kids doing to make her yell at them? try setting up some ground rules like if she's going to stay there she must watch the kids so you and your husband may get away for an evening or for a nice dinner or something... a good marriage is based on communication and if you can't communicate with your husband then thats a problem you need to address

Answer 4

Arsenic worked for me. Boy, I don't know what to say. This is really a Hobson's choice. Either way you choose to go about it you will be stepping on toes. Maybe he might listen to friends of the both of you if you want to involve others. It might help him to see how his mother's presence is hurting your marriage and the children. Good luck. I would suggest using a counselor, but that is too easy of an answer, and he probably wouldn't go.

Answer 5

I can totally sympathize with you. I have a mother and father-in-law from hell. They have had my husband and I talking to divorce lawyers several years ago. Our only saving grace was they lived an ocean away. But when they come for visits they stay 3 months at a time. Now they want to live in the states permanently. Hopefully someone will have an answer for both of us.

Advice in the meantime, try to keep your husband out of the middle of it (if possible). He loves you both, but is most likely feeling pretty torn between his loyalties.

Try to talk to your husband about your feelings. Getting her to leave is something he is not going to want to do, because he will not want to hurt his mother, no more than he would want to hurt you.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow. I'm so sorry! Start a plan with your husband for moving out. Tell him it's for the children's sake because children are better off with a mentally healthy mother! I let my own mother into my first labor and really regretted it. You are totally justified in feeling hurt and frustrated but stop trying to explain it to your husband (it just puts him in the middle, which is awkward) and give him a JOB to do--get you and your baby and baby to be OUT OF THERE. And try to get away from her as much as you can....talk a walk outisde, whatever, just protect yourself.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

The question here should be why is your husband allowing his mother to interfere? He should not be taking sides with his mother. You are the mother and the buck stops with you.

Pull your husband aside and let him know how you feel. Trust me he will see the error of his ways when he realizes this puts him in jeopardy of living with his mother without someone to keep him warm in bed at night....

When she raises her voice to your children, I would gather them up and remove them from her presence. Take a little walk if possible and be consistent and do it every time she interferes. This will make you the peacemaker and let you discipline your children as you see fit.

I struggled with my own mother at times as I did not use the same form of physical punishment that she got so much enjoyment out of with my children. Fortunately she didn't live with us and I only had to deal with her in small doses....

She will get the hint pretty quick when she see's you are not going to tolerate her behavior towards your children.

Who said parenting would be easy????? And who said we have to love the out-laws?

Answer 9

Well I can't say I know how to get rid of her, but to get a break from her, tell her you think she's been stressed lately and get her a trip of some kind or send her on a cruise or something. Get her a nice far far away present. It'll look nice to her and your husband and you'll be rid of her for a few weeks and she might.... be nice... when she gets back.

Answer 10

You need to explain to her that marriage is hard enough without a third party involed in it.You should tell her that your marriage is the most important thing besides your kids in your life. Let her know that since she has move in your marriage has been strained.That it would best for everyone that she find somewhere esle to live.That you believe the way things are going there is to much tension in the house and you want things back the way they were before she move in.I say be honest with her...Good luck

Answer 11

Ouch. Sounds like a bad situation. Sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him that if she's going to live in your house she needs to respect you, leave the parenting to your children's parents, and not get involved in your marriage. If she can't agree to those simple guidelines tell your husband to find her somewhere else to live. She's his mother, his problem. Good luck.